‘WWE NXT’ Review (Aug 19th 2020)
Welcome to this week’s NXT review, right here on Nerdly. I’m Nathan Favel and… my Grandma died. I’ve gotta go a long distance to get there, so I’m leaving this review in the hands of a…”friend”. He’s a little…yeah. Don’t worry, he’ll do his job…mostly. Here he is, Dick Bawls.
Hey, man. OH SHIT! I’m like…writing. Wrestling sucks ass. Do you got any pot, man? Whoa! What the hell man?! This thing’s repeating what I, like, write! Shut up, man! Get out of my head! Okay, like, I watched this…show, man. We’re cool, bro. Hey, you wanna buy some crack? I…OH SHIIIIIII… Nathan: Ummmm…he’s dead…I think. I think he got killed by some rival crack dealers. Well, I do have this back-up guy…well…a duck who thinks he’s a swan. Okay here’s…
I AM THE SWAN! Bow mortal! I bringeth unto thee thine grandest heart’s desire…a sound reviewing of the NXT! My feathered brow bats upon the wind that passes beneath my beak as this review begins anon!
Match #1: Johnny Gargano def. Ridge Holland – Entrance In The North American Title Ladder Match At NXT TakeOver: XXX
The following is courtesy of wwe.com:
The Johnny Gargano Way may still lead to a second North American Championship reign. Gargano used his signature craftiness to overcome the much larger Ridge Holland, surviving a nasty head-first collision earlier in the match to defeat the hulking Englishman after hitting the One Final Beat DDT.
My Opinion: 3.5 out of 5 – So was the strength of such a display, from the ringing of the first bell to the bellow of the second! The Italian and the Dutch Rock were as physical as two men of certain skills can be. Ridge, soeth he calls thineself, was evermore so as such a pillar of might, always using his arms and his torso to block the Noodle’s offense. The Fish Sandwich fought the Ridge with stiff strike like that of the native men of his home country to their wives, because it’s Tuesday. Looketh away not could I, for it was evermore my duty to brave this cradle of flesh in the search for the soul of the warrior, and found it I did. The Alfredo Man brought the Ridge to his knees and claimed the prize with One Final Beat of the DDT. So endeth the first match’s review! …and now…to the second!
Match #2: Dakota Kai def. Jessi Kamea
The following is courtesy of wwe.com:
Dakota Kai pinned Jessi Kamea in singles action after blasting her with the Go To Kick.
My Opinion: 2.7 out of 5 – What tripe is this?! How cometh thou such a match couldeth be so short and meager, like Ethan Hawke’s cocketh?! Lo behold so miniscule a bout of competition of the stickless gender! Correct is the word to say of the winner, but not of that top! Vomitrocious!
Match #3: Legado del Fantasma def. Isaiah “Swerve” Scott & Breezango
The following is courtesy of wwe.com:
Isaiah “Swerve” Scott and Breezango joined forces to finally even the odds in their fight against Legado del Fantasma, but it still wasn’t enough to knock off Santos Escobar and company. “Swerve” finally got his hands on the NXT Cruiserweight Champion, overwhelming him with offense. But when it came time for a cover, the referee informed “Swerve” that he had inadvertently tagged Tyler Breeze. Legado del Fantasma took control, and Escobar planted Breeze with a Phantom Driver for the victory.
My Opinion: 3.2 out of 5 – The Spanish attacked The Inquisition in a battle of two halves of a phrase! In the mind’s eye, this match could do no more than so little. Couldeth so a match from a cadre of such talent be offered a booking evermore worthy of the reading? I weep for this “Swerve” who struggled to bring the urgency of the hour to the eleventh, but was given so late a stroke of the clock, he brought little more than the midnight gonging! Piss was this and soeth so it always be, but perhaps piss of so slight a stench that one could love the sight of it all the same.
Match #4: Rhea Ripley & Shotzi Blackheart def. Mercedes Martinez & Aliyah w/Robert Stone
The following is courtesy of wwe.com:
Rhea Ripley had been wanting to get her hands on Mercedes Martinez for costing her a chance to once again become NXT Women’s Champion, and she got exactly what she wanted. Ripley laid out The Robert Stone Brand’s newest signee with a vicious powerbomb over the barricade to the concrete, while Shotzi Blackheart connected with a top-rope senton on Aliyah inside the ring to pick up the win.
My Opinion: 2.9 out of 5 – Rhea was like raucous thunder, striking down her opponents with furious anger! The punked she-witch known as Shotzi fought with the fury of the trailer-park, as is her way. Hillbillied though the match may have been, nevertheless was this encounter one of the destined ones and their path to glory!
Match #5: (Main Event) The Velveteen Dream def. Finn Bálor – Entrance Into The North American Title Ladder Match At NXT TakeOver: XXX
The following is courtesy of wwe.com:
The field is set with Velveteen Dream earning the final spot in Saturday’s North American Title Ladder Match, but His Purple Highness didn’t get there without controversy. Cameron Grimes, another competitor in the Ladder Match, took it upon himself to grab a bird’s eye seat on top of a ladder positioned at ringside. The rest of the field — Johnny Gargano, Bronson Reed and Damian Priest — soon joined him, and all hell quickly broke loose. The biggest difference-maker in the brawl, however, was Timothy Thatcher. Thatcher ambushed Bálor, leaving him easy pickings for Dream, who planted him with a Dream Valley Driver and Purple Rainmaker elbow drop to steal the win. The chaos continued from there, and Reed stood tall over his fellow competitors when the dust cleared.
My Opinion: 3.5 out of 5 – SABOTAGE! Thievery! What depths hath this Vinced McMahon sunken to that so rudimentary and simple a decision was ignored, nay trounced upon, to favor a lesser mortal?! The valor of Bálor was betrayed by this cruel, twisted fate, this nightmare, nay, Velveteen Dream. Hateth the fool do I, for his alleged sexual indiscretion against the children and for his feeble intent in the offensive. Lo, this lame and whisped decision to reward a man whose skills, while acceptable, were not but a gust of wind in the tornado of the Finned One. Look to the Finn in the name of this match’s greatness, for it is such a moment that so desperate a salvation can be attained. Damn the purple fool in blonded goatee and praise be thy name is Almighy Finn, the man with two “n”s!
News Of The Night:
- Adam Cole and Pat McAfee collided in a battle of wills.
- Io Shirai and Dakota Kai brawled before Kai’s guardian, Raquel González, attacked Io.
- Timothy Thatcher attacked Finn Bálor and cost him his destiny of victory.
Final Verdict: 3.2/5
Disappointeeeeeeeeed! Soeth mine heart cries as…whateth the fucketh?! Dick Bawls: Hey man, a talking duck! The Swan: How dare ye?! Thou amest The Swan, master of all! Dick Bawls: I’m gonna fuckin’ eat you, man! The Swan: Thou shall noteth… [Man bites bird] NOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!
