‘Impact Wrestling’ Review (Sept 16th 2021)
Welcome to this week’s Impact Wrestling review, right here on Nerdly. I’m Nathan Favel and we have a doctor putting his hand on your crotch and telling you to cough. KAFGH!!!! Hey. Supposedly, we got a big tag match for the main event. The teacher with a dynamite ass always says that you should drop your pants if you want me to raise your grade. Well, Mr. Nathan is in the room and last week’s assignment is due now. Does Impact have questions 4 through 10 finished and ready to grade? The last few projects we’ve had like this, Impact got lazy and tried to copy off of the slow kid’s paper. Vince McMahon! Stop chewing your foot! Tony! Why are you sniffing Vince’s ass? Cornette! Stop hitting everybody! Keep your hands to yourself or I’ll send you to detention with Vince Russo! That was not a call for McMahon comma Vince to start playing with himself. Stop farting! I hate you little bastards! Impact, you better have this week’s assignment finished! I want to see lots of longer matches being booked with proper finishes and the full context explained about why these matches are important. Do you have that? Vince! Stop strangling the other promoters! Eddie Gilbert! Go to the office! I asked you if you ran over Jerry Lawler and you said no! Did you lie? Jerry Lawler! Will you stop taking your pants off in the preschool room? I hope you weren’t doing anything else in there. Impact, come to the front of the class and read off your report. I hope it’s well-written and researched. I…Vince! Just because your the water-head boy of the class, doesn’t mean that I can’t send you to Principal Muchnik’s office! Ow! Who put this thumb-tack here?! Paul? Paul Heyman, did you do this?! It was Gabe Sapolsky? Well, I’m so glad you’d never lie about anything. Gabe! Go to the office…and don’t leer at the cheerleaders this time! Impact…it’s time to start, dear. Herb Abrams, will you stop snorting cocaine in class?! If you don’t have enough for everybody then you can’t have any in here!
[Author’s Note: Moose, who was accused of domestic abuse/battery, is on this show and if that alarms or upsets you, then viewer discretion is advised].
Match #1: Decay (Black Taurus & Crazzy Steve) def. Violent By Design (Rhino & Deaner) w/ Eric Young & Joe Doering
The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:
Violent By Design looks to get back on track as their rivalry with Decay continues here tonight! Rhino blindsides Taurus to jumpstart the match and gain the early advantage. Rhino pummels Steve from the apron, allowing Deaner to remain in control. Steve bites Deaner as the crowd goes wild! Steve heads to the top but once again, Rhino gets involved. Deaner inadvertently hits Rhino with the VBD flag as Steve capitalizes with the jumping DDT to win.
The Verdict: 6 out of 10 – By the numbers with a bit of panache, this was a zesty way to do the same thing as before and not offer anything fresh. Everybody sold just as they did in other matches, as if this was a video game. It’s a nice game, but since wrestling isn’t a video game, you’d think that you’d want some excitement bordering on…excitement? Eh. I lost my train of thought. Oh s–t! Ahhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!! I gotta get off this track! My foot’s stuck! Ahhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!! Bruce The Moose: Hey Ray! That fat potato baby got smushed by a train. Ray The Moose: Eh. Who cares? At least the opening match for Impact was quick and easy. Bruce: You got that right.
Match #2: Petey Williams def. TJP
The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:
Petey sends TJP to the outside with a slingshot Codebreaker. Petey hits a side Russian legsweep to remain in control. TJP turns the tide with a running boot in the corner but Petey avoids the follow-up Mamba Splash. Petey locks in the Sharpshooter to do some serious damage! TJP counters the Canadian Destroyer but Petey is able to catch him in a pinning predicament to win!
The Verdict: 7 out of 10 – This was over too quickly for my good, but these guys were able to breeze through this without any issues. They never went over the top or lost sight of what they were here to do. The match was reserved in the stunt department, but packed full in the wrestling department. Department Head, Rory Kadank: Favel! Get back to work! Me: OKAY…b–ch. Petey and TJP always grappled and always tried to keep the match logical. It felt like a contest rather than a circus show. Wrestling that looks like wrestling. Ain’t that quaint? Rory: Favel! Get back to work! Me: YES SIR…b–ch. Next match.
Match #3: John Skyler def. Laredo Kid
The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:
Laredo hits a jumping neckbreaker, then collides with Skyler with a big dive to the ramp! Skyler brings Laredo’s momentum to a halt with an overhead suplex on the floor. It’s a stalemate after both men take each other out with double clotheslines. Skyler pulls at the mask of Laredo, then rolls him up with a hold of the tights to steal the victory!
The Verdict: 6 out of 10 – This wasn’t as good as the match they had on Before The Impact recently, but it was a nice little taste of what they can do together, all the same. Skyler looked like a credible fighter here against the ever-thrilling Laredo. It wasn’t too much in favoir of any style here. They did a bit of everything in a subtle blend that felt like it was a professional match. Snail Man: I’m slow. Me: Ummmmm…yeah?
Match #4: Trey Miguel def. Matthew Rehwoldt
The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:
Trey Miguel has been a thorn in the side of Matthew Rehwoldt ever since he arrived in IMPACT Wrestling and they’re set to clash in a grudge match here tonight! Rehwoldt matches Trey’s speed with a running dropkick, then sends him toppling to the floor with a clothesline over the top. Rehwoldt remains in control when he drops Trey head-first on the apron. After several minutes of dominance from Rehwoldt, Trey begins to build momentum with a springboard dropkick. Rehwoldt catches Trey in mid-air, then hits a modified fireman’s carry powerbomb for two! Rehwoldt crashes and burns with the Swanton, allowing Trey to lock in a modified heel hook to win by submission!
The Verdict: 7 out of 10 – Trey won and…should he have? Does Rehwoldt need to win to be a threat to Trey? Trey was in need of the victory though. There’s the booking quandary you find yourself in. Trey should have been winning matches the whole year so he can lose to Rehwoldt now and get him over in one match. Now, Rehwoldt will have to go back and get a victory over someone just to stay relevant, let alone credible. As for the action, it was solid and steady the whole way through, with Trey being the house of fire that burns hot no matter the weather. Rehwoldt showed a very odd yet interesting way of grappling here. I don’t don’t know if Rehwoldt looks like a star to all who sees him, but he does have a way of wrestling that could prove to be very interesting to those that would like a different sort of fighter on the card. Bambi: Someone shot my mom! BANG! The Terminator: Hasta la vista, baby. Me: Who wants venison?!
Match #5: (Main Event) Christian Cage, Josh Alexander, Chris Sabin, Eddie Edwards & Sami Callihan def. Ace Austin, Madman Fulton, Brian Myers, Moose & W. Morrissey
The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:
It’s an unprecedented main event as Christian Cage and Ace Austin lead their hand-picked teams into a colossal 10-man war just two nights before they clash for the IMPACT World Title at Victory Road! The match quickly breaks down as the fight spills to the outside. Callihan catches Ace with a mid-air forearm shot, followed by a Piledriver to Sam Beale who isn’t even in the match! The distraction allows Myers to blindside Callihan, giving his team the control. Callihan takes Fulton off the top with a bulldog. Alexander and Sabin play mind games before their X-Division Title bout at Victory Road, tagging themselves into the match. Eddie sends Moose flying with a belly-to-belly suplex. Eddie is perched on the top but Morrissey distracts him, allowing Moose to dropkick him all the way to the floor! Christian Cage flies with a top rope Frog Splash to Myers but the pin is broken up by Morrissey. Christian Cage finally gets his opportunity to square off with Ace Austin but Ace hits a low blow! Eddie hits a Superplex on Ace, sending him crashing into a sea of humanity on the outside! Christian Cage hits Myers with a Spear, followed by the C4 Spike from Alexander to win!
The Verdict: 7 out of 10 – As main events go, this was simple and easy. Picture a seven-course Italian dinner that is all small portions and moderately filling. This doesn’t quite hit the spot, but it does touch it a few times. Everybody hit their spots well and made room for the next guy to get in there and do their part. Nobody got in the way of the match itself. Merlin, The Great Wizard: What does that mean, stupid man?! Me: It means nobody went into business for themselves, asshole! Did your momma have no kids that lived?! Were you born fallin’ down the steps?! Merlin: Get out of my head! Me: If you are looking for a mechanically efficient bout that delivers fitting wrestling action for a big main event, then you got the stuff here for that. Yeah! Toast!
Final Verdict: 6/10
Well Impact, there were some dumb promos in here and the matches weren’t quite as long as they should have been, but at least they were good choices. Fritz! Fritz Von Erich! Stop pointing that gun at your son! You are in school! Wait until you leave to do that! Christine Jarrett! Will you stop telling everybody what to do? Toots! Mr. Mondt, do you have anything to to say to Impact after their report? No? Then shut the f–k up! The Sheik! Stop blowing fireballs at everybody! Impact, I give you a 6 out of 10, because you had the right idea, but you needed to make some revisions to improve the concept of this week’s show. Perhaps the main event should have had some backstage training videos a la the UFC to increase the interest in match? Why not show footage of the different wrestlers fighting each other from earlier matches when reminding the audience of the main event? Remember, wrestling is a visual profession, not a verbal one.
