03rd Sep2021

‘Impact Wrestling’ Review (Sept 2nd 2021)

by Nathan Favel

Welcome to this week’s Impact Wrestling review, right here on Nerdly. I’m Nathan Favel and former Total Non-Stop Action Wrestling/Impact Wrestling and World Championship Wrestling star Daffney Unger, whose real name was Shannon Spruill, died after what many have assumed was suicide. Shannon had apparently pointed a gun at her chest while on Instagram Live in what were her last words to the general public before killing herself. Shannon wanted her brain sent to Boston for it to be examined after her death for CTE. Shannon desired for other wrestlers and all others to be careful of the damage that can be done to your brain from physical trauma. According to her family, Shannon had been dealing with mental illness for some time. Shannon’s career as a wrestler took her from WCW to TNA/Impact, where it is purported that (a tweet from David Bixenspan on Twitter account has recently expressed this possibility) under her Daffney guise, Shannon was one of the most consistent and successful ratings draws TNA/Impact’s history, which is made more profound given this was when this was when Impact was on Spike. It should be mentioned that if you at any point feel the desire to commit suicide or harm yourself, then you should not hesitate to talk to a trusted confidant and/or trained professional about the issues you are distraught about. To Shannon, I hope you are at peace. Let’s review Impact.

Match #1: Taylor Wilde, Jordynne Grace & Rachael Ellering def The Influence (Madison Rayne, Tenille Dashwood & Kaleb With a K)

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

The odds have been evened for Taylor Wilde as she’s joined by Jordynne Grace and Rachael Ellering to take on The Influence here tonight. Jordynne hits Kaleb with a running boot on the apron. Madison pushes Jordynne off the top rope and The Influence gain control. The Influence wear Jordynne down as they cut off the ring and prevent her from making the tag. Moments later, Jordynne creates separation and tags in Taylor. She quickens the pace, spiking Kaleb with a tornado DDT. Madison is holding on to Kaleb in order to stop Taylor from delivering a German suplex. Jordynne kicks her hands away, allowing Taylor to successfully connect for the three count!

The Verdict: 5 out of 10 – This never quite got off the ground due to a faulty engine, but at least the plane had enough fuel in the tank to at least make the attempt. The match moved along well from spot to spot, but since the issue was what they were doing in the ring to begin with, I’d say that we had some limp noodles in the pot for a meal that needed al dente like no tomorrow. Wilde and Grace matched-up well with Tenille and Kaleb, but the match didn’t have enough with those four to lift the tent up…might’ve needed another pole too. Bob McKenzie: Hey. Nice pole analogy. Doug McKenzie: Analogy? I thought the ladies liked it better when you didn’t try to get analogy too much, cuz’ it hurts too much? Bob: No…not anal… Doug: That’s what she said. Me: The match was lively though and… Doug: That’s what she said. Bob: No she didn’t. Doug: What did she say then? Bob: Pick up eggs. Doug: That’s what she said. Bob: Yeah…she did. Me: Stop it! You’ll wake up Dr. Demento! Dr. Demento: I’m a Christmas tree! I’m a Christmas tree! Wild Man Fischer: Santa lets people cut down me! Demento and Fischer: I’m a Christmas tree! I’m a Christmas tree! Me: Oh God! Bob: Hey. You guys got birch? Doug: …and beer? Bob: Yeah. Got beer? Me: Next match! Next match!

Match #2: Decay (Black Taurus & Crazzy Steve) def Fallah Bahh & No Way

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

Before the match begins, a member of No Way’s conga line attacks Rosemary with a Codebreaker! They remove their mask and it turns out to be Tasha Steelz. Havok chases her up the ramp where she’s met with a thunderous clothesline from Savannah Evans. The match is underway as Fallah looks to conquer his fear of Decay. Fallah hits Taurus with a splash, then gives Decay a taste of their own medicine as he bites the hand of Taurus! No Way pummels him with a series of repeated kicks in the corner, followed by a vertical powerslam. Both No Way and Taurus take each other out with a double clothesline, then make tags to their respective partners. Steve rolls up Fallah for a very close near fall. Taurus soars with a slingshot crossbody to No Way on the floor. Back in the ring, Steve bites Fallah and hits his signature jumping DDT to win!

The Verdict: 3 out of 10 – Not too much happened here in a wrestling sense, but No Way walked a lot. That’s not fair. Decay handled the excitement portion of the match, so if you can handle watching a clown and a bull beat the s–t out of Jorge Garcia and Afro Jones, then you might just… Cheech: Hey man! That’s my familia! Jorge! Afro! My peoples! Ahright! Chong: You’re related to those groovy cats, man? Cheech: Oh yeah man. We used to sit around and groove man. We’d eat these brownies and freak out real good and our neighbor Kris would come over after delivering toys to the projects and getting shot and he’d bleed real good and groove with us and he died… Chong: Far f–king out man! Me: What is this, the DMV? I’m trying to finish this review. Chong: Did Santa ever get off the reindeer man? Cheech: Oh yeaaaaaaaah man. Donner used to get so hard once he got past Delaware and Santa would have to pull off to the side and hand-f–k the chit out of all of those hairy dudes man! They’d all see Donner gettin’ off and they wanted to get in with that! Me: This match was not very good! It was not up to snuff with what we often see on this show! Chong: What’s this chick’s problem man? Cheech: Maybe she needs Santa to pull her off to the side and get her off too man? Me: Next match!

Match #3: Josh Alexander def Jake Crist – X-Division Championship Match

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

Alexander hits a powerslam in the early going. Crist meets him on the top, then connects with a Superplex, followed by a swinging neckbreaker for two. Crist attempts to ground Alexander but the champ fights out and delivers a back body drop. Crist counters Divine Intervention but gets caught with one German Suplex after another. Alexander hits Divine Intervention to win the match and retain the X-Division Title!

The Verdict: 7 out of 10 – This was so close to being a huge hit. Jake, who was let go from Impact after his brother Dave was shown to be a pervert and overall unsavory character, returned here and had a fabulous performance against who may be the best professional wrestler of the year, Josh Alexander. This was pretty damn good for not being great. It was a very exciting match that had Josh’s grappling mastery and Jake’s punk-rock zest. The Singing Dogs: Arf arf arf! Arf arf arf! Arf arf arf arf arf! Arf arf arf! Arf arf arf arf! Arf arf arf arf arf arf arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrf!!!!!! Me: Oh God! Their singing…Jingle Bells!!!!!! Run ET! Run! ET: GAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!! Me: The match was excellent! Now let’s get the hell out of here before…AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! The dogs…are humping meeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!! The Singing Dogs: Arf arf arf! Arf arf arf! Arf arf arf arf arf! Arf arf arf! Arf arf arf arf! Arf arf arf arf arf arf arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrf!!!!!! Me: Next match! Next match! AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

Match #4: Rohit Raju & Shera def Matt Cardona & Chelsea Green

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

The heated rivalry between Matt Cardona and Rohit Raju has evolved into what promises to be an explosive tag team encounter tonight! Shera sends Cardona flying across the ring with a powerful pounce. Cardona and Chelsea connect with tandem offense, including a pump kick leg sweep. Chelsea hits a tilt-a-whirl head scissors on Rohit. Shera refuses to wrestle Chelsea but gets caught with Radio Silence from Cardona! Rohit drives Cardona into the steel ring post. Rohit hits Chelsea with a knockout jumping knee for three.

The Verdict: 4 out of 10 – This simply never quite got going like it should have. Chelsea and Rohit did well here, with Matt holding up his end of the deal and Shera doing as he normally does. It was a match of sudden hits and slow progression all culminating to an abrupt end that came too early. Yogi Yorgesson: Oh I yust go yuts at ayupt yinishyes! Me: What?

Match #5: (Main Event) Ace Austin w/ Madman Fulton def Tommy Dreamer

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

If Tommy Dreamer Wins, He’s Added to the IMPACT World Title Match at Victory Road. Tommy Dreamer wants to lock up with IMPACT World Champion Christian Cage one more time but he’ll have to defeat Ace Austin tonight in order to do it. If he does, the IMPACT World Title match between Christian Cage and Ace Austin at Victory Road will become a Triple Threat! Dreamer hits a hip toss, followed by the Bionic Elbow in the opening moments of the match. The fight spills to the outside where Fulton protects Ace from hitting the guardrail. Ace distracts the referee, allowing Fulton to attack Dreamer on floor! After several minutes of dominance from Ace, Dreamer turns the tide with a hanging neckbreaker out of the corner. Dreamer hits a powerslam for two. Ace comes back with a springboard leg drop for a near fall of his own. Dreamer counters The Fold into a cutter but Fulton pulls his leg underneath the rope to break the pin! Dreamer neutralizes Fulton with a DDT on the floor but on his way back into the ring, Ace catches him with The Fold to win.

The Verdict: 7 out of 10 – Tommy put his best foot forward and Ace gave a fabulous performance in a match with more drama and suspense than you may have thought it might have…because I’m a jerk. Stan Freberg: Corporate greed is wrong! Me: Didn’t you work for an ad agency or some s–t? Stan: …f–k you. Grunge: I don’t believe in Toledo! Me; Me either. What I do believe in is that Tommy worked hard to give Ace a strong opponent for him to crush on his path towards Christian Cage at Victory Road. Ace’s youth and ability lifted what could have been a slog into the thrilling fight it deserved to be. Ace deserved to win and did win, so I’m quite happy with the whole thing.

Final Verdict: 6/10

This was a night of holding the hand you have and waiting for the next round in the game. The cards were good, but didn’t quite add together into the sure thing Impact needed to have enough to go all in on. The Good Brothers and Swann/Mack feud was teased, but not acted upon. We get a version of that next week when Karl Anderson fights Rich Swann in a Bunkhouse Match. Holding your cards and waiting for a better hand isn’t bad if you plan on playing for another few hours, but you also need to take a chance and put some chips in every now and then to keep the confidence up. This show could have used a real hit here. The X Title match going longer could’ve been a real easy way to turn this show into a major hit and without having to give away all of you best bouts fefore Bound For Glory. That being said, we had solid wrestling most of the time and that helps keep this from being a waste of money at the table. Kip Addotta: I…saw Daddy kissing Santa Claus…and Santa was my Mommy with a beard! Me: What? Kip Addotta: I’ve got pictures! Me: Show me. This was a decent show. See you next week. Who’s d–k is bigger? Kip: Take a look and find out. Me: Whoa. That’s why you have that narrow head.

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