02nd Sep2021

‘WWE NXT’ Review (Aug 31st 2021)

by Nathan Favel

Welcome to this week’s NXT review, right here on Nerdly. I’m Nathan Favel and we have Tommaso Ciampa versus Ridge Holland, which is a battle between the Italian and the Dutch. While these two countries war, I’ll sneak over to both and steal their s–t! I’ll have their wozganpas and their schloznaflas and doobagas and yoogagas…their wizflitzs and taulagapitz and their oobabalaboobalagabbabaschlipts…but most important of all…I’ll have their kakamoopakadayagabquivtiz! It’s marvelous I tells ya! Absolutely, postitutely marvelous! HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!! The Grinch: You fool! They’re onto us! Me: AH! RUN ET! RUNNNNNN!!!!!!! ET: GAAAAAHHHHHH!!!! Me: NXT starts now! ET: GAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!

Match #1: Sarray def. Mandy Rose by Count-Out

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

In the height of NXT’s hard-fought opening contest, Sarray delivered the second of two devastating dropkicks to Mandy Rose, causing an apparent facial injury to her opponent as she knocked her clean out of the ring. As Gigi Dolin and Jacy Jayne ran to Rose’s aid and walked her to the back, Sarray picked up the count-out victory.

The Verdict: 6 out of 10 – This was starting to get somewhere when Mandy did a count-out finish. It’s possible she really did hurt her face from Sarray’s drop-kick or that this could have been a weird angle. The match itself had plenty of hard hits from both fighters. Mandy has come a long way and you’ll see that in this match, from the way she sells to the way she moves. Mandy isn’t quite there yet, but she’s getting closer to where she needs to be to be considered ready for a big opportunity. Sarray gave a great performance here and it was about to carry this match to the next level, but the angle/injury happened and it came to a halt. Maybe the next one will go better?

Match #2: Kyle O’Reilly def. Duke Hudson

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

Following the altercation with Duke Hudson last week after already being attacked by Ridge Holland, Kyle O’Reilly was determined to get retribution, despite being noticeably taped-up and clearly not at 100 percent. For the majority of the contest, Hudson was able to target Kyle’s injured ribs as he delivered an unrelenting beatdown of brutality to his resilient opponent. Nevertheless, O’Reilly caught his foe’s leg in the ropes in the final minutes, paving the way for him to leap off the top rope onto the back on his opponent’s knee before locking up Hudson’s leg and making him tapout.

The Verdict: 8 out of 10 – This was quite the fight. Kyle and Duke matched-up as easily as they come. The difference in size actually added to the match. Duke came across as a great mid-card wrestler here, so losing to Kyle didn’t feel like the loss of a potentially great push for him. Kyle was the star here and Duke was here to put him over. Salieri was a yahoo and so are youhoo! If you like rapid-fire action between two red-blooded ass-kickers, then this grand encounter between two such men is likely to make your heart PAWOOMP! Now, on to the next match, for I am the greatest reviewer in the world! Oh s–t! Stampeeeeeeeeede!!!!!!! Stu Hart: Move! Bruce: Move! Diana: Move! Bret: Move! Owen: Calgary! Me: They’re everywhere! Next match!

Match #3: Imperium def. Drake Maverick & Grayson Waller

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

The unique pairing of Drake Maverick and Grayson Waller came together to take on the irate duo of Imperium’s Marcel Barthel & Fabian Aichner who were looking to impose their will. Despite their fury, a determined Maverick was able to hold both Superstars at bay at a crucial moment of the contest. However, when Waller made the mistake of tagging himself in and destroying his partner’s momentum, Imperium took charge. After Barthel hurled Drake into the unforgiving steel outside the ring, he leaped off the second rope where Aichner was holding up Waller and delivered the devastating European Uppercut for the pinfall.

The Verdict: 4 out of 10 – This was mostly Drake crying and Grayson trying, but Imperium prying their opponents heads off jab by jab was the story of this boring bout that ran far too short.

Match #4: LA Knight def. Johnny Gargano

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

Whether or not Johnny Gargano wanted “In-Dex” to accompany him to the ring for his matchup against LA Knight, there was no denying that both Dexter Lumis and Indi Hartwell were there…well, more or less. In the final moments of the explosive contest, though, Lumis’ attempt to endear himself by reaching out to high five Johnny Wrestling backfired and Knight was able to use the distraction to pick up the win with BFT.

The Verdict: 7 out of 10 – The In-Dex stuff got in the way of the match, but at least LA and Johnny got some good wrestling in here before Dexter tried to give Johnny a massage or whatever the f–k was going on here. I could use a f–kin’ massage…and sex appeal. LA won and Gagapino (only on camera for $500 at least) lost, so sucka my pucka you jiggly ol’ sucka!

Match #5: Raquel Gonzalez def. Jessi Kamea

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

Even with Franky Monet and Robert Stone causing a disturbance by their mere presence, Jessi Kamea was not able to overcome Raquel Gonzalez as the NXT Women’s Champion took her down with the One Arm Powerbomb.

The Verdict: 4 out of 10 – This didn’t get much time to go anywhere and it showed. Raquel is still improving and that does show here. I’d say that Raquel’s confidence is going way up. Way up? What is this, a boner show?! Jessi Kamea…right now! I mean it, you little pistol! I’ll f–kin’ smack you! Oh well. This match was decent at best.

Match #6: Roderick Strong def. Ikemen Jiro

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

With the members of Diamond Mine, Ikemen Jiro attempted to stand up for his idol Kushida by answering Roderick Strong’s open challenge. Despite his noble motives, however, Strong upside downed his opponent on the steel steps in brutal fashion. He then ultimately emerged victorious in vicious fashion with a pair of innovative backbreakers to send a message to Kushida that he is coming for the NXT Cruiserweight Title.

The Verdict: 7 out of 10 – Strong Jiro…sounds sexual…in the mouth! I was happy to see what these two goombahs could muster against each other and it was glorious…ly okay. Jiro has a weird gypsy, hippy, taxidermist way about him that makes him wrestle like a tripped-out, travelling-around, tye-dye, moose-about-town. Strong has the jock-geek thing going for him, to the point that I keep expecting his wife to show up and ask him why he’s been going out with the nerdiest girl in school. I’ll tell you why, because she’s all that! If you like a match with boundless energy and incredible counters, then look somewhere else, because this sucked s–t! I’m kidding! In all silliness, I’m dead and this match was alive…with the sound of musiiiiiiiiiiiic!!!!!! Go watch this freaky in the sheety fight for the ages!

Match #7: (Main Event) Tommaso Ciampa def. Ridge Holland

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

With Pete Dunne, Oney Lorcan and Danny Burch looking on, Tommaso Ciampa went to war with Ridge Holland in the NXT main event. In a hard-hitting showdown from start to finish, a battle on the apron in the final moments led to Ciampa unleashing a barrage of knees before bringing Holland back into the ring with Willow’s Bell for the three-count.

The Verdict: 8 out of 10 – Whooah! Holland did it again! That’s two in a row for the Queen of Fish! The Grinch: Are you sure we should still make the grab? Me: Shut up, pork-pie! I want that snizwopper! The Duke Of Italy: Heya! Whatta ayoua doinga?!?!?!?!?!?! Getta fukka outta! Me: Oh s–t! Run ET! Run! ET: GAAAAAHHHHHH!!!! The Transaman Of The Dutch: Gufirentalawoosemaulfianno! The Grinch: Oh s–t!!!!!! It’s Jimmy Carter! Me: Run ET! Run! ET: GAAAAAHHHHHH!!!! Me: This match was a splendid battle of striker and bruiser. It was like a football match and I… The NFL: That’s soccer! Real football isn’t gay as f–k! The Football Gods: Silence! For eons, you naives have commandeered the good name of football for your own! No longer shall this come to pass! Judgement has been passed down upon ye! Ye shall…be badmittoneers! Tom Brady: Oh s–t! Rob Gronkowski: Oh schplit! Larry King: Jane Fonda’s bazingas give me one hell of a chub! HACHACHACHACHA!!!!!!!! Joe Montana: We won’t allow this to happen…and HOUSE PARTYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!! Mickey Mouse And The 1984 Denver Broncos: HOUSE PARTY! HOUSE PARTY! HOUSE PARTY! Me: Ciampa and Holland clobbered each other in a very intricate brawl. It was so visceral and so brutal and so…so…okay, I’m getting the wazzbazzler! The Grinch: I’ll stay here. Hey! It’s Ellen or Elliot Page! I love him or her! Hey Elliot! Elliot Page: Yeah? The Grinch: Wanna get f–ked you little skank?!?!?!?!?!?! Me: Ciampa gave as top-notch a performance for Holland to work with as Thatcher did last week. Holland is a lucky man to have these great wrestlers to learn from like this. This is how it’s supposed to be. You learn from those with greater skills than you and you do it on the clock. I think Holland is on his way to becoming a big deal if he can continue to progress like he has. Ciampa won and, while I thought that Holland should have won, Ciampa winning does no damage or harm to Holland. …and now…I have the chizzbizzler! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! Gustafson: Let go of my diqliqer! Me: Ah! People! Run ET! Run! ET: GAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!

Final Verdict: 7/10

Well, as I pick pieces of foot out of my ass, I sit in amazement how this average show could pack in so much lovely stuff. That’s two 8s, a couple of 7s and a size 14 up my Lincoln Tunnel. Abraham Lincoln: Did I hear something about putting a c–k in my ass? Me: Ummmmm….no? Abe: Damn. The Grinch: Hey! I f–ked Elliot Page! Elliot Page: Dude! Lets pound that ass again! The Grinch: Stuff my stocking with your cocking! Me: Well, by jove, what a day! We had a good episode of NXT that was light-years better than the tripe of Monday night and that’s alright. I’ll see you next time. ET: GAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!


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