12th Jul2021

‘Impact Wrestling’ Review (July 8th 2021)

by Nathan Favel

Welcome to this week’s Impact Wrestling review, right here on Nerdly. I’m Nathan Favel and we have the show before the show before the show to show on here and…I said show too much. I have a headache. [“Smart” Mark D. Mark] – Move it geek! “Smart” Mark D. Mark is here to handle your wrestling needs, like that mirror that served your mom’s ashes on to snort like a Cuban vacuum. I’m going to cover the crap called Impact this week. Nathan tried to buy this s—t-show once and now he’s a loser for life! Impact begins, you twats!

Before The Impact

Match #1: Steve Maclin b. Suicide

The Verdict: 6 out of 10 – This was not bad for a pre-show slop-fest. Your resident wrestling genius loves it when the best match of the show isn’t even on the main show. Russo’s at it again! I always wanted to watch a match with a guy named Maclin. Don’t that just sound like a money-draw if you’ve ever heard one? I sure do hate it when Suicide gets a spot-light. Ho ho! There’s something to be said for two guys having a grudge match when they’ve never met before. My sage wisdom aside, this match was good and I think it passes my “I don’t hate this” test. Well, I think we can move on to the main card.

Impact Wrestling

Match #1: Jake Something b. Brian Myers

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

Brian Myers and Jake Something square off in a match where the loser acknowledge the winner as a “professional”! The fight spills to the outside in the early going as Myers trips up Jake on the apron. Myers remains in control with a vertical suplex on the exposed ramp. Something turns the tide with a series of hammer fists, followed by a deadlift powerbomb for two! Myers spikes Jake with a DDT, followed by a top rope elbow drop for a near fall. Jake hits his signature Black Hole Slam to score the victory!

The Verdict: 6 out of 10 – Fools, I must say that these two dinks served me well. I enjoyed watching the Grizzly Adams rip-off beat the snot out of hook-nose. It’s always nice to see two men hurt each other for my entertainment. What can be said about a man who is so unsure about his own name that he just says “Well, it’s something”. Myers and Something are what I would call…AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! [Me] – Mark! Zombies! [“Smart” Mark D. Mark] – F—k! Ahhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!! [Me] – Well, he was an asshole. Ummmm…this was pretty good. Both guys looked just fine here. Now…AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! [Zombies] – Rahhhhhhh!!!!!!!! [Me] – Wait a minute. I’m Justin Bieber. [zombies walk off] Well, that worked. Okay…next match.

Match #2: Deonna Purrazzo b. Lady Frost – Open Challenge For The Knockouts Title

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

Lady Frost makes her IMPACT debut tonight as she answers Deonna Purrazzo’s open challenge for the Knockouts Title! Frost catches Purrazzo with a spinning roundhouse kick but misses the follow-up Moonsault, tweaking her ankle in the process. Purrazzo immediately takes control and locks in the Fujiwara Armbar to win by submission.

The Verdict: 5 out of 10 – Length was the thing that kept this from greatness. These guys were getting there, but just as they were going to kick it into the next gear, it came to an end. Deonna was in fine form here, which made it easier for Frost to make her debut sink in. Frost was an instant hit with me, as she has a way of fighting that is easy to believe. I’d call this a pairing that can make for a top-notch feud in the near-future. Meanwhile, this match served as a nice tease, but since this is a prize fight, I’d wager that this should have been more than a tease.

Match #3: W. Morrissey b. Jason Page, Manny Smith and Deonte Evans – Handicap Match

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

Morrissey puts his earth-shattering offense on display as he picks apart his three opponents simultaneously. Morrissey hits Evans with a Chokeslam, Page with a powerbomb, and Smith with an F5. Morrissey stacks them up and scores the dominant victory.

The Verdict: 1 out of 10 – The three guys that got pinned at the same time were more talented than Morrissey is right now, so there you go. Oh…A F—KIN’ SQUAAAAAAAAAAAASH!!!!!!!!

Match #4: Havok and Rosemary b. Susan and Kimber Lee

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

Rosemary and Havok intimidate their opponents as they deliver a double clothesline to Susan. Kimber rakes the eyes of Rosemary, followed by a roundhouse kick to halt their momentum. Susan and Kimber can’t get on the same page in terms of offense, allowing Rosemary and Havok to turn the tide. Havok charges into the corner and hits Kimber with a running boot. Havok kicks Susan into the corner turnbuckles, knocking Kimber off the top. Rosemary spears Susan to pick up the win.

The Verdict: 5 out of 10 – I can’t say that this was a great tag match, but it was functioning. Susan and her weird lawyer gimmick didn’t do much to make the match worth seeing. Why am I seeing a lawyer in a wrestling match? Havok and Rosemary made for a good team here. There’s something here with them as a team. Kimber kinda got lost in the shuffle, which is a shame considering her pedigree in wrestling. That being said, this match came and went without much trouble.

Match #5: (Main Event) Karl Anderson b. Rich Swann, TJP and Deaner – Four Way Match

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

Deaner hits Swann with a powerslam but TJP breaks up the pin. Anderson brawls with Swann on the floor while Deaner drives TJP into the corner. Deaner sends TJP head-first into the turnbuckle with a running kick. Swann soars with a top rope Swanton, colliding into everyone on the floor! Anderson tries to form an alliance with Deaner but the Violenr By Design member wants no part of it! The action is fast and furious as all four men are down after a flurry of offense! TJP counters the Gun Stun from Anderson into a Detonation Kick. Deaner avoids the Mamba Splash, then hits Swann with the Deaner DDT for two! Anderson hits the Gun Stun on Deaner to win the match via pinfall.

The Verdict: 6 out of 10 – This was a spot-fest, but the spots were good. This was an odd combination of people, but not one that didn’t mix together. I think of this as partial stirred lemonade with some of the sugar still dancing on top of the glass. Having Karl and Rich and TJP should have led to a more dynamic match, but having this many people is also the kind of thing that stalls a match. Having to balance who goes where at what time just takes the piss out of the whole deal. It’s a shame that this was so formulaic, but I’m glad that it was at least exciting by and large.

Final Verdict: 5/10

On a night where Don Callis used John E Bravo and Johnny Swinger to frame Sami Callihan for assault, James Mitchell was tasked with resurrecting Su Yung and Moose attacked Chris Sabin, we got more of the same, but…oh…Deonna gets a mystery opponent for Slammiversary, thanks to Gail Kim. This was not the best show of the year, but it kept the dream alive, so I’m cool. I’ll see you next time.

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