21st Jun2021

‘Impact Wrestling’ Review (Jun 17th 2021)

by Nathan Favel

Welcome to this week’s Impact Wrestling review, right here on Nerdly. I’m Nathan Favel and we have…well, Don West, former TNA/Impact color commentator extraordinaire, has brain cancer. I’m leaving this review in the hands of Don West on this occasion, in honor of him. Don… Don West: Thank you Peter. Like Tina said to Ike, “My head hurts muthafugga!” I’ve got brain cancer and I’m currently being treated for that. I don’t know if I’ll pull through, but I think I stand a good chance. I wanted to come here and just say, in this review written by Raymond here, that Impact, Total Non-Stop Action…TNA…will always hold a special place in my heart. Mike Tenay: Boom baby! DW: Mike! What the f—k are you doin’ here on that fat hog brotha? MT: I came to give my love to you during this most bodacious occasion. DW: Bodacious? I’ve got f—kin’ brain cancer! MT: Not your noggin’ floggin’ pal-o-mine! It’s what we’re doing while you’ve got the brain cancer! DW: Wait…you mean… MT: That’s right daddio! We’re off to slay the dragon! Let’s go kick Vince McMahon’s ass! DW: Yes! Frank, I’m taking your review on the road partner! Me: It’s Nath…okay. DW: See ya later Cheech! MT: Let’s rev this steel-horse like it’s a bad-mamma-jamma! DW: F—k yeah! TNA is comin’ for ya Vincie boy!

Match #1: TJP b. Black Taurus

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

The action is fast and furious from the opening bell as TJP and Taurus match each other’s pace. Taurus connects with a strong clothesline for two. TJP crashes and burns as Taurus sends him crashing to the floor. TJP hits a springboard crossbody, followed by a running boot in the corner. TJP spikes Taurus with a tornado DDT, then takes out everyone on the floor with high-risk offense! TJP hits the Mamba Splash to win.

The Verdict: 7 out of 10 – DW: I thought this was so excellent. TJP has always been one of TNA’s best athletes. Mike, he has got that ability to just…just defy gravity, but never abuse that power. Mike: You never can tell what he will do next. His dedication to Mixed Martial Arts, MMA, is something that has made his kinetically methodical approach to aerial wrestling into something truly unique in professional wrestling. I am reminded of the likes of Juventud Guererra, of Ultimo Dragon, of Jushin “Thunder” Liger, of Dynamite Kid, all of whom could blend so many disciplines together into a pro style unlike any other at that time. DW: Well, let’s not forget Black Taurus, who is a luchador, but one who focuses on power wrestling. This guy has big slams that’ll knock your teeth out of your mouth, but with the balance of a cruiserweight. MT: Yes, Don. Taurus has an array of skills in the ring that pose a devastating threat to anyone that dares to challenge him hold for hold. What we got out of this encounter between these two was a thoughtful spectacle that never forgot that it had to earn its moments of glory. DW: You’ve got that right Mike Tenay. I was never without something to just say, “Wow! What a great maneuver!” or “Incredible!” MT: Speaking of action, are you ready to tear this mother-f—ker down? DW: You know it baby! MT: Then let’s take this Thunderdome down! Michael Hayes: Who goes there? DW: Total Non-Stop Action, muthaf—ka!

Match #2: Josh Alexander b. Madman Fulton

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

Fulton puts his incredible strength on display early with a release vertical suplex. Fulton is in total control following a big boot to the jaw. Fulton repeatedly drives the head of Alexander into the corner turnbuckle. Alexander connects with a delayed vertical suplex to build momentum. Fulton counters the ankle lock but gets caught with Divine Intervention! Alexander scores the pin and the win.

The Verdict: 7 out of 10 – DW: Josh just laid right into Madman to start and never let up. MT: Absolutely. Josh had to abandon his technical skills in favor of a slower, weaker style that was more about burning away at the fuel in the tank just to get the car out of the mud. DW: Now, Josh did get out of that mud, but it took a while and he really had to hammer away at the sludge in between the tires just to get them to spin. MT: That’s the risk you run when you have to drive in rough terrain, but somebody has to do it so others can have an easier ride in years to come. DW: Something else to consider, is that this match will be good for Madman just for experience. I’m excited to see what he learned from this. MT: As am I. I’m also excited by how Josh is seen for being able to leave his comfort zone and step down to help somebody up. DW: He’s got to be seen as a professional after this…an old pro in a young man’s body. Now, let’s deliver Michael Hayes head to Vince’s lap. MT: He’s truly a free bird now! GLALALALALALALA!!!!!! DW: Mike Tenay licking Michael Hayes bloody, severed head?! What is this, Sandy Duncan’s birthday?! MT: Glass eye!

Match #3: Steve Maclin b. Jason Page

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

Steve Maclin makes his highly-anticipated IMPACT debut tonight as he goes one-on-one with Jason Page. Maclin turns his opponent inside out with a colossal clothesline. Maclin delivers rapid-fire elbows to the head of Page. Maclin hits a modified sit-down slam to score the dominant victory!

The Verdict: 4 out of 10 – MT: As squash matches go, this was solid and certain. Maclin was able to showcase his grappling skills while Page was displaying the acumen to sell for Maclin. DW: Maclin is just a stud of the old order. He has that, that physique that is believable yet admirable. If I was in the same shape as him, Angelina Jolie is riding this c—k like Amber Heard on Johnny Depp’s bank account. MT: Thoughtful words from the mind of a man who has seen it all in professional wrestling. DW: You know what I don’t see? …Vince’s office. Vince McMahon: You’re there. Lights on! DW: Mike! We’re in…the Thunderdome! MT: Hey Vince! We’ve got Michael Hayes’s head! Want it back? DW: He looks pissed. You think we should have gift wrapped it?

Match #4: Tenille Dashwood b. Rachael Ellering

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

Before the match begins, Tenille Dashwood offers Rachael Ellering one of her shirts. Ellering respectfully declines and the match is on! Ellering is in total control as she hits a flying forearm in the corner. Kaleb hooks the leg of Ellering from the outside, allowing Dashwood to gain control. The fight spills to the outside where Dashwood Irish whips Ellering into the steel guardrail. Dashwood hits a top rope crossbody for two! Dashwood almost puts Ellering away with a clothesline. Kaleb blinds Ellering with his ring light, allowing Dashwood to roll her up and steal the victory!

The Verdict: 5 out of 10 – MT: Sadly, this was not one of the better efforts of Ellering or Dashwood. These two dynamite athletes worked hard to make something of this match, but Ellering’s lack of polish was an issue I’m afraid. DW: Yes, you are correct. Ellering is no slouch in that ring, but she has not found her posture yet either. This gal, she ain’t walkin’ tall, but she ain’t stayin’ in one place and that’s the truth. MT: Tenille is as methodical as you get. DW: Oh that’s right Mike. She doesn’t make false moves and that has cost her immediate praise, because critics and reviewers are easily swayed by the next big move or the next big spot. Tenille is taking the long road to her destination and I am with her on that ride. MT: Ellering wasn’t quite ready for this kind of intricate mat work that Tenille does so well. DW: Well, it’s matches like this that will get her there. MT: Agreed. VKM: Are you assholes done yet?! DW: Yes. We just finished reviewing that match. VKM: Good. Unleash the Superstars! MT: Seth Rollins! Roman Reigns! Randy Orton! Triple H! DW: Holy s—t! It’s on!

Match #5: (Main Event) Satoshi Kojima b. Rhino

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

Kojima takes control in the early going, forcing Rhino to retreat to the outside in order to consult Eric Young. Whatever Rhino said, it worked, as Rhino turns the tide. Rhino wears Kojima down with a chin lock. Kojima builds momentum with a series of chops in the corner, followed by a top rope elbow drop! Kojima hits a DDT to create separation and recover. Rhino comes back with a belly-to-belly suplex. Kojima counters the Gore into a Koji Cutter. Kojima puts Rhino away with the Lariat, earning a tag team title opportunity for him and Eddie Edwards!

The Verdict: 6 out of 10 – MT: Kojima rocked it here! What a blistering performance from Kojima here! DW: Rhino kept up his end of the deal to make the match work for the time it was in the ring. Bell to bell, these guys had some chemistry together. MT: That’s the veteran mentality of a Kojima and a Rhino, who have been all over the world and competed with so many great athletes. DW: Oh, you’re not kidding! Triple H: Hey, fat-ass! Shut your pie-hole! MT: It’s funny, you being a bitch. HHH: “That’s funny” is my line! Randy Orton: I’ll kick the fat c—t in the skull! MT: Hey Don! He’s hitting on you! Now we know his type! Roman Reigns: You will…acknowledge me. MT: Good luck selling a t-shirt with that lame catch-phrase, you pineapple-faced dip-s—t! Seth Rollins: I am wrestling! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! DW: Tyler Black! You have no honor! SR: God damn it! I’m f—king wrestling! I f—ked Becky Lynch! We docked d—ks! MT: At least Kojima doesn’t pretend to be a bigger draw than “Stone Cold” Steve Austin. DW: Oooo! Wicked f—kin’ burn! VKM: Finish these f—ks! AJ Styles: Hold your horses Wilbur! VKM: What the f—k?! Samoa Joe: Got room for one more?! HHH: Joe! What the f—k are you doing? Christopher Daniels: What we’ve waited years to do! VKM: Who the f—k is that? CD: It’s me Vince…The Higher Power! VKM: So, you’re back…to die! DW: No! We’re here to kick ass, like this solid main event we just covered! VKM: Slaughter them!

Major News:

  1. Tommy Dreamer delivered the news from Anthem that Sami Callihan is re-hired and Don Callis is fired.
  2. Mickie James was teased for Slammiversary with a garbage bag with her name on it.
  3. Jordynne Grace and Rachel Ellering are arguing over Rachel’s communications with Tenille Dashwood.
  4. Chris Sabin will fight Moose at Slammiversary.

Final Verdict: 6/10

Jim Ross: Boomer Sooner! Tony Schiavone: Hey wrestling fans! Pucker up and suck it! DW: What are guys doing here?! JR: For this! TS: It’s Stiiiiiiiiiiiing!!!!!!!!! Sting: Hey El Asso Wipo! VKM: Are you talking to me? Sting: How about I whoop your lily white ass? Booker T: Stay back sucka! MT: Booker! What are you doing? BT: The WWE is…the ultimate. I serve the masta. DW: No Booker! No! Sting: You’d serve this monster?! BT: I ain’t got no choice! WCW dead! AJ: …but TNA isn’t! BT: I…can’t. VKM: My Booker! He belongs to me! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! Vince Russo: Master. I’ve returned. VKM: Russo! Where the hell have you been? Did you get TNA off of Spike? VR: Yes my liege. VKM: That’s good s—t pal! VR: So is this. Swerve! VKM: Ah! You stabbed me! VR: I’d stab your heart, but you don’t have one. VKM: No, but I have a floor to throw you on. BT: Noooooo!!!!!! You threw him…threw him to his death! VR: Booker. Don’t be what he made you. You’re the five time, five time, five time, five time, five time WCW World Heavyweight Champion. BT: …and you the five time, five time, five time, five time, five time best honky friend I ever did have. VR: If I get reincarnated, I hope I come back as a black man so I can be like my hero. KAFGK!! KAFGK!!!! KAFGK!!!! Goodby… BT: He’s…he’s dead! VKM: …and so will these TNA fools! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! DW: It’s…it’s…Amazing Red! Amazing Red: Hey Vince. Remember me? VKM: Rey? DW: Code Red! F—k yeah! VKM: Ow! Hunter! Help! I fell on the floor! Jeff Jarrett: I’m here Vince! MT: Jeff! Jeff Hardy: You talkin’ ‘bout me? Mt: Jeff Hardy! DW: Two men enter…one man leave! VKM: What? JJ: Welcome to Thunderdome b—ch! VKM: Ah! My bergina! Ahhhhhhh!!!!!!! I’m melting! I’m melting! Oh! What a world! What a world! Ahhhhhh!!!!!!!! MT: Swanton Bomb on the rotting corpse of Vince McMahon! AJ: I’ve got something for him before he goes. DW: Styles…Clash! AJ: Two men enter…one man leave! Thunderdome! DW: We did it! F—k yeah! MT: It’s over! We are free! DW: Mike! You mind if I finish this sucker off? MT: Go for it! DW: This show was not the greatest show in TNA history, but it was wrestling at its best, which is simple and honest. There were moment when the matches looked like they could have hit that next level, but they didn’t quite make it. You know what? It’s okay to fail. TNA was built on failure. We lived and died by the next mistake we made, because we were always looking to the future and were never afraid to plummet down to the earth below. This show was in that vein and I hope that Impact will take TNA’s lead and make something of the roster it has and the foundation that Total Non-Stop Action Wrestling laid for you. AJ: Now, we can get some TNA! Where’s the boobies?! MT: AJ, TNA stands for Total Non-Stop Action. AJ: What?! DW: Thanks for reading this review. Jimmy will be back next week to review more from Impact Wrestling! Me: It’s…it’s Natha… DW: Luis everybody! Goodnight!

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