30th Mar2021

Friday Night Smackdown – Mar 26th 2021: Results & Review

by Nathan Favel

Welcome to this week’s Friday Night Smackdown review, right here on Nerdly. I’m Nathan Favel and I’m…Nobody. I work as a tax attorney now, but I used to kill people for money…like a tax attorney. People used to f—k with me and get their heads blown off. I once took a Honda Prius and shoved it up Helen Mirren’s ass…then killed her. She thanked me at the Academy Awards…then I killed her. I worked for all the major government agencies: FBI, CIA, NSA, Pizza Hut. I could sneak into the Kremlin in plain sight or sneak into your momma’s bedroom…in the ass. I took down Libya with a spoon. I wiped Blyflygamygastan off the face of the Earth. What’s that? You’ve never heard of Blyflygamygastan? My point exactly. I blackmailed chestnuts for being lazy. Rebecca Pidgeon owes me $12. I am the foremost precise mercenary in the tri-state area. Now, I will review Smackdown for you. Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Match #1: Seth Rollins def. Shinsuke Nakamura

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

Seth Rollins found himself in another battle with Shinsuke Nakamura following their grueling WWE Fastlane encounter. The King of Strong Style made a run with a Landslide slam, but The SmackDown Savior evaded a Kinsasha attempt and landed a Stomp to continue his crusade for respect. Cesaro rushed in for payback, but Rollins slithered away just before the Cesaro Swing went into full effect.

The Score: 7 out of 10

  • The Good: Seth and Shinsuke had a damn good fight to start this show. They rushed right out of the gates and barreled down the track like two thoroughbreds gunning for position. This was guts and glory like only the best can bring. There were no lulls in the action. There…what the… Juarez: I am Juarez! (Nathan shoots Juarez) Me: F—k you. They’ve come for me. They’ve come to kill me. I won’t let them stop me from telling you that Seth and Shinsuke worked hard to nail this match every step of the way. They…they have Black Ops specialists outside. Luckily, I have the house rigged to explode…kinda like how this match exploded right outta the gate. It was a live-wire…kinda like the trigger on this bomb. Bomb voyage…
  • The Bad: Merc #1: Take the door down! Merc #4: Roger. (door breaks down) Where’d he go? Merc #12: Target not in sight. Merc #7: Where… Me: Did you wipe your shoes off at the door? Merc #3: It’s… (Nathan fires shots) Me: Hasta La Vista…baby. Merc #9: Hey, that’s cheezy. Me: At least the opening match wasn’t cheezy. That being said, the match suffered from an abrupt ending…like the one you bastards are getting now. Merc #8: What? (bomb goes off as Nathan jumps out window)
  • The Verdict: All in all, this was an excellent opener. Now, it’s time to open up the goody bag. I’ve got a Pentagon to take apart…brick by brick.

Match #2: Apollo Crews and Alpha Academy def. Big E and The Street Profits

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

Big E and Apollo Crews brought reinforcements in the latest chapter of their heated rivalry. The Street Profits provided aerial support for the Intercontinental Champion, but the strength of Otis & Chad Gable helped bolster Crews. The aggression from Crews resulted in a slam and pin of Big E to set the stage for a WrestleMania showdown.

The Score: 5 out of 10

  • The Good: This was a match that lived and died according to the amount of energy put into a given move. Crews and Big E were going right for each other whenever they could. I sure as hell like seeing that. The two tag teams got their stuff in (which seems to be the way of things these days). E and Crews worked hard to make their feud come through the six-man melee.
  • The Bad: Security: Breach at the front entrance. Breach at the… Me: I’ll let them know. (Nathan fires shot at security guard) Me: I’m glad we got the TalkTech here to record this. Leverage…and we’ve got wrestling to review…like this match. One thing to worry about here is that the match felt shoved into a box and chucked at the home viewer. The things that could make this match special were instead chopped-up into little itty bitty carrots and sprinkled on…dead government agents. Security #6: Target found in left sector! Me: Wanna here about how nipped the second match on the card was due to being under-booked for time? Security #6: What? (Nathan’s Uzi mows down hit squad) Me: Never mind.
  • The Verdict: This was a fun burst of action, like this detonator that I just set the charge for. (looks at the elevator) Going up.

Match #3: Bianca Belair def. Natalya

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

With an unlikely alliance in the rearview, Bianca Belair was set on ramping up her Road to WrestleMania against Natalya. During the match, The EST of WWE returned The Boss’ WWE Fastlane slap with one of her own. Belair landed a crushing K.O.D. for the win, but Banks hit a Backstabber to show that the SmackDown Women’s Champion is prepared to do whatever it takes to hang onto her gold.

The Score: 4 out of 10

  • The Good: These two did jump right into the good stuff. You get the holds and locks and grapples an everything else to keep the match movin’ and groovin’…like this silencer on this Cougar Mellencamp 87. Bianca showed promise from bell to bell…like this hollow-point will in Director Crork’s skull. Crork: You?! You son of a b… (shot in the head) Me: Told ya.
  • The Bad: This was the height of tedium. How dull can one match between two talented people be? Natalya is always a bit feeble in the WWE, due to Vince not liking normally endorsing her style of wrestling. In 1990s All Japan Pro Wrestling, Natalya would have made money in a women’s division as strong as the vaunted men’s matches. In the WWE, Natalya is the head-lock queen and that’s it. Why can’t you just let Natalya off the leash? Agent Palmer: I couldn’t agree more.
  • The Verdict: All in all, these two tried, but Vince’s limited vision of a women’s division rears its ugly head yet again and costs these women the chance to be seen as the wrestlers they are capable of. Agent Palmer: Nice speech. I see you’re still walk around reviewing wrestling matches while killing people. Me: Everybody needs a hobby. Agent Palmer: Try knitting. At least that doesn’t make you look like a pussy. Wrestling’s fak… (Palmer is shot by Nathan) Me: Thanks for the advice. Time to set some charges. Let’s hope the last match is worth the time.

Match #4: (Main Event) Rey Mysterio and Dominik Mysterio def. Robert Roode and Dolph Ziggler

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

Rey & Dominik Mysterio continue their quest toward a father-son tag team title run, and a win over Dolph Ziggler helped push their pursuit of The Dirty Dawgs. A distraction from Robert Roode nearly gave Ziggler the win, as he picked Mysterio out of the air with a Zig Zag. The King of Luchadores grabbed the match with a 619 and a huge splash to pin one-half of the SmackDown Tag Team Champions.

The Score: 6 out of 10

  • The Good: Both teams worked well together. There were no lulls or dips in the quality. Rey was the master here and all others, no matter their talent, were at his service. Speaking of service, I need to grab what I came here for. (grabs a box of condoms) Me: The government should’ve never sent mercenaries to steal my condoms. These are mine. I f—k the ladies. Agent Walters: Call security! I’ve g… (Nathan shoots Walters) Me: Nice to see you again. How’s the wife and kids? Speaking of kids, Rey’s son was fighting alongside his father here and it was a sight worth seeing by itself. You get your lucha and you get your grappling and they all come together in one tightly wrapped package. Not a bad combo I’d say.
  • The Bad: (alarm goes off) Me: They’re playing my song. I guess it’s time for the fat lady to sing. THIS A MATCH WAS SO A SHORTA! THIS A MATCH NEEDED A BIT A MORE A TIIIIIIIIIME! WHERE DID ALL A THE TIME GO?! I’m glad I got that out of my system. Speaking of system…this match tried to have a system, but getting so little time kinda cuts that out of the plan.
  • The Verdict: This was a match that tried to be a proper main event, but that just was not meant to be. In any case, at least we got a succinct tag bout from two solid teams. Well, I guess this is my cue to exit. (Nathan jumps out window while Pentagon explodes)

Major News:

  1. Roman Reigns will now defend the Universal Title against Edge and Daniel Bryan at WrestleMania.

Final Verdict: 4/10

This was a weak show that had too many promos. You get four matches, but the matches are too limited by the booking to be what they ought to be. Well, that’s that. I’m oughta here with my condoms in tow…because these are my condoms! Mine! I f—k the ladies! I’m…Nobody.

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