15th Mar2021

Friday Night Smackdown – Mar 12th 2021: Results & Review

by Nathan Favel

Welcome to this week’s Friday Night SmackDown review, right here on Nerdly. I’m Nathan Favel and I’m the executive director of the Simulcron project. We are at the computer terminal and are digitizing an entire universe within the space of this virtual chasm. The Bald Man: Don’t listen to this man! He’s an imposter! We are trapped within the confines of this artificial hellscape! Me: What nonsense is this? I am Nathan Favel! The Bald Man: No…I am Nathan Favel! Imposter: Bull-s—t! The Bald Man: That man to your left. He is Tony Danza! Imposter: I am Nathan Favel! Tony Danza: Tony Danza! The Bald Man: He can’t play any role without being called Tony Danza! Tony Danza: Tony…Danza! The Bald Man: Would you like to play Batman in a movie? Tony Danza: (angry) TONY…DANZAAAAAAA!!!!!! The Bald Man: There! See? This man is the simulation of Hollywood’s dumbest actor! This entire construct is made to gauge the mental faculties of fabricated people within this program. Imposter: Shut the fook up! The Bald Man: Fook? That sounds like a slip of the mind to me. Imposter: (rips The Bald Man’s face off) You’re the imposter…Spider-Man?! Spider-Man: (pulls Imposter’s face off) That makes two of us. (the Spider-Men point at one another) Spider-Man 1: Stop pointing at me! Spider-Man 2: Stop pointing at me! Tony Danza: (pointing at hisself) Tony Danza! Sid: Nice to have every-body here for dinner. (cocks gun) Bye. (fires gun) Me: (pulled out of the Simulacron) Well, that got him out of hiding. Freddy: Yeah. He didn’t show up on the monitor until… Me: We brought up the programming. We can’t let this thing go online with him running around in there. I’ll have to go back in. Freddy: I’ll get you prepped. Wait…don’t you have a wrestling review to write? Me: You’re right! Let’s just smash this f—kin’ computer! Smash it good! Freddy: Yeah! Smash it good! F—k the future! F—k it good! (the smashing) Me: HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! Smash it! Smash it good! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! While we smash this hunk of junk, why don’t you get ready to smash SmackDown! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…OWWWWWWW!!!!!! My weenee! AHHHHHH!!!!! You smashed my weenee! Freddy! OWWIE!!!!!!

Match #1: Rey Mysterio, Dominik Mysterio & The Street Profits def. Otis, Chad Gable, Dolph Ziggler & Robert Roode – Eight-Man Tag Team Match

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

Rey Mysterio, Dominik Mysterio & The Street Profits overcame Otis, Chad Gable, Dolph Ziggler & Robert Roode when Montez Ford leaped off the top turnbuckle and defied gravity by changing direction in midair and delivered the splash to Roode for the pin.

The Score: 4 out of 10

  • The Good: I’ve got a nice ass. Oh…Rey looked great and so did the evil team…that lost. Really, the heel team was the best part of the match if you don’t look at Rey Mysterio. Chad is too damn good. It’s like looking at Tootsie Roll Kurt Angle. Tootsie! Hahahaheeheeheeeeeeee!!!!!! Dolph and Bobby were excellent here, so of course they lost.
  • The Bad: This didn’t go long enough or accomplish enough to be truly thrilling. The Street Profits haven’t been as successful in the ring lately. It’s probably just one of those things. Dominik is getting better, but he isn’t ready yet and it shows, but not as much as a few months ago.
  • The Verdict: This match kinda sucked a little bit, but so did the White Album. Suck it, bug lovers!

Match #2: Cesaro def. Murphy by Disqualification

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

In a rematch from last week between Seth Rollins’ one-time disciple Murphy and his adversary Cesaro, The SmackDown Savior ended the contest with a mid-match sneak attack on The Swiss Superman that opened the door to an absolutely brutal post-match assault.

The Score: We gotta steal the Red Velvet Diamond from the Hard C—k Casino. Jimmy McFish…you’ll go in as a Saudi comcubine named Boomshakalaka! Randy Palamino will head to the cellar and cut off Miko Maine before he trip the alarm. With that out of the way, Falacia Kanalanguez will lick the kitty and take the elevator to pound town where the diamond is being locked in the vault.

W…oh…wrong score. This was a 1 out of 10

  • The Good: Nothing happened here. I’m not kidding.
  • The Bad: Surprisingly, the match. It was a minute and it had a DQ finish.
  • The Verdict: Why did they bother? Did Seth Rollins need to do a run-in attack to sell a feud with Cesaro?

Match #3: Natalya & Tamina def. Sasha Banks & Bianca Belair

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

Tension were apparent between WrestleMania opponents and WWE Fastlane tag team partners Sasha Banks and Bianca Belair during “The Kevin Owens Show” as KO stirred the pot. The frenemies still managed to come together to battle Natalya & Tamina. When The Boss confronted Nia’s Jax’s new amusement Reginald about his being a distraction to the action, though, it lit the fuse on absolute bedlam and allowed Tamina to roll up The EST of WWE for the victory.

The Score: 2 out of 10

  • The Good: This sucked. That’s the compliment. Tamina was actually better than Banks/Belair. That’s sad. Tamina has the hips of an old man in a car wreck. Natalya looked good here…for the three seconds she had in the match.
  • The Bad: Banks and Belair were lousy. Damn. It was like watching a YouTuber make a video about how Dolly Parton’s large breasts are bad. Shut up! They’re great! You suck, sucker! Also, this match was over in what, a minute and a half?
  • The Verdict: Why? Why? Why didn’t I break his legs?

Match #4: (Main Event) Big E def. Sami Zayn – Intercontinental Championship Open Challenge Match

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

Focused on getting payback against Apollo Crews, a returning Big E took out his frustration on Sami Zayn by defeating The Master Strategist in an Intercontinental Title Open Challenge. Moments after the bell, Crews delivered vicious a post-match attack from behind on The Powerhouse of Positivity and then revealed backstage that he would challenge him at WWE Fastlane.

The Score: 3 out of 10

  • The Good: When they actually did some wrestling, it was good.
  • The Bad: They didn’t get to wrestle all that much. Are you f—king s—ting me?! Plus, this happened at the last second. Why not promote this match ahead of time? What’s the matter…don’t like success?
  • The Verdict: This was not very good. Also, Big E came off like an ass-hole. If he’s supposed to be a pure-bred baby-face by now, then he’s failing miserably.

Major News:

  1. Edge, Roman Reigns and Daniel Bryan are caught in a feud where all three are showing signs of being a heel in some respect, but really it’s Edge that’s displaying true heel traits (duh).
  2. It’s looking more and more like Roman is either sharing the ‘Mania match with Edge and Daniel Bryan, or is being replaced by Bryan (Edge/Bryan is the bigger match after all).
  3. Edge makes his national TV return on SmackDown next week when he wrestles his first non-PPV match in 11 years against Jey Uso for the right to be the enforcer for the Roman/Bryan Universal Title Match at Fast Lane.
  4. The Edge/Bryan dynamic is that Edge takes issue with Bryan feeling like he has more passion then Edge and that Bryan wants to walk into WrestleMania as champion.
  5. Apollo Crews attacked Big E to set up their Intercontinental Title Match at FastLane.
  6. Sasha Banks and Bianca Belair think each other are weak and stupid, thanks to Reginald driving a wedge between them.
  7. Reginald got dressed-up by Nia Jax in a stupid vignette where Shayna Baszler was as bored as we are.
  8. Kevin Owens interviewed Sasha Banks and Bianca Belair and told Sami Zayn he might participate in Zayn’s documentary.

Final Verdict: 2/10

This show sucked. The matches were short and accomplished nothing other than filling time. The only thing of note was Edge subtly reminding everyone that he will eventually turn heel, because he always does, while Bryan will likely play a more menacing version of his face character to give Edge the face momentum until Mania. Hopefully, we’re seeing the beginning of Bryan and Edge at WrestleMania and Roman being moved over to finish his feud with Kevin Owens in an I Quit Match or something like that for the Mania undercard. Anyway, nothing happened here and it pissed me off. Storytelling is no substitute for wrestling matches on a wrestling show. Show like this are for casual fans and TV executives who hate wrestling…because there’s no wrestling. I think there was a grand total of 10 minutes of action of this two-hour show. That’s sad.

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