09th Mar2021

Friday Night SmackDown – Mar 5th 2021: Results & Review

by Nathan Favel

Welcome to this week’s Friday Night SmackDown review, right here on Nerdly. I’m Nathan Favel and we’re back on the set of…wait…sorry. We’re back on the air. Chet Ubetcha: Welcome back to Prime-Time Teaching Moment! I’m Chet Ubetcha and we’re back for the final round of competition with the students of Blomee Elementary and their teacher Mr. Nathan. The final round of competition will be contested in a game of “Memory-A-Ganza”! Your category is: Dick York or Dick Sergeant! Mr. Nathan: Okay guys. We can do this. Just focus and listen to the questions carefully. I’m gonna coach you through this while I record the review for SmackDown. Just listen. As for you SmackDown readers, let’s get to the review. Chet Ubetcha: The Final Exam begins…now!

Match #1: King Corbin def. Montez Ford

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

After teaming with Sami Zayn in a losing effort against The Street Profit last week, King Corbin refused to team with him again. Instead, he challenged either member of The Street Profits as a solo competitor. In the one-on-one matchup that followed against Montez Ford, Corbin shook off a wicked enziguiri and hit End of Days for the victory.

The Score: 1 out of 10

The Good:

  • Not much happened here and it wasn’t… Chet Ubetcha: In the episode of Bewitched entitled “You’re Mother Is a F—king Bitch!” was it Dick York or Dick Sergeant who uttered the infamous line “Shove up your ass you c—k-sucker!” Kid 1: Dick York! Kid 3: No! Dick Sergeant! Kid 8: It’s Dick York stupid! All Kids: Dick! Dick! Dick! Dick! Dick! Dick! Dick! Dick! Me: Shut up! Don’t look at the faces damn it! It’s the same face! That’s why they replaced the other on the show! Listen to the voice and look at the posture! Kid 12: Dick York! Chet Ubetcha: That’s correct! Me: Great jobs guys.

The Bad:

  • I wish I could say this match was good, but it was too short and defunct to work.

The Verdict:

  • All Kids: Dick! Dick! Dick! Dick! Dick! Dick! Me: Shut the f—k up! Focus on the eyes! Do those eyes look like that of a man who looked he knew what he signed up for or not?! Kid 7: Dick Sergeant! Chet: Correct! Another 200 points! Me: Good work guys! As for this match, this was not good work.

Match #2: Angelo Dawkins def. Sami Zayn

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

Prior to his matchup against Sami Zayn, Angelo Dawkins knocked his imminent opponent off the apron and directly into King Corbin at ringside. As a result, the irate Corbin decided to take a walk and let Zayn face his opposition alone. In the subsequent match, The Master Strategist managed to kick out of the Silencer. Nevertheless, when Ford began messing with documentary crew outside the ring, the distraction allowed Dawkins to roll up Zayn for the win. In the aftermath, an angry Zayn beat up a member of the documentary crew.

The Score: 1 out of 10

The Good:

  • Zayn sold for Dawkins, but there wasn’t much else here to speak of. Chet: Next question…

The Bad:

  • The match was bad. It just didn’t work out well enough and… Chet: When Samantha turned Darrin’s crotch into a house for orphans, who was the Darrin that slapped her in the face because it was the 60s and that was the nicest thing a man was known to do to women at the time…York or Sergeant? Me: This match had little action in it.

The Verdict:

  • I thought that this was a mis-match… Kid 6: Dick York! Kid 7: Dick York! Kid 6: That’s what I said ass-hole! Kid 9: It’s Dick Sergeant, dick-fer-brains! All Kids: Dick! Dick! Dick! Dick! Dick! Dick! Me: Shut the f—k up! Look at the way he carries himself! Which one was more likely to have been emasculated for starring in a show about a witch with a twitchy face? Kid 17: Dick York! Chet: Correct! Me: Nice job random kid who I don’t care about. I wish I could say the same about this match.

Match #3: Dominik Mysterio def. Chad Gable

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

After two brutal attacks by The Alpha Academy on Rey Mysterio in tag team action in recent weeks, Dominik Mysterio picked up a huge victory for his family with the technically sound quick pin on Chad Gable. Then, seconds after the bell, the quick-thinking Rey hit Otis with an explosive senton onto the announce table outside the ring.

The Score: 5 out of 10

The Good:

  • Okay, this was not bad. Chad carried a rapidly progressing Dominik to a match that Dominik should not have won, but…what the… (wall explodes) Terminator: I am The Terminator! I will kill Nathan Favel for s—tty writing. Me: Oh f—k. All Kids: Dick! Dick! Dick! Dick! Dick! Dick! (kids blown up) Me: Chad was liked Kurt Angle in his prime here. Rolling through one great counter after the other made Chad look like a wrestling machine. The Terminator: I am a machine. Me: Shut the f—k up you great big toaster.

The Bad:

  • Dominik won. Dominik shouldn’t have won yet. Chad needs to actually win something to have a victory over him mean something. Also, this match was missing the wrestling part even though this was fun to watch. Chet: Go to commercial!

The Verdict:

  • This was okay. It needed…the kids are dead. No! Commercial Announcer: From the studio that brought you Black Panther, now brings you Man-Ape, the story of a villain that would become a hero. Me: Ummmmm…that was…never mind. The match was not enough, but not terrible either… The Terminator: Shut up.

Match #4: Bianca Belair def. Shayna Baszler

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

On the heels of the announcements that she would face SmackDown Woman’s Champion Sasha Banks at WrestleMania and team with the titleholder against WWE Women’s Tag Team Champions Shayna Baszler & Niz Jax at WWE Fastlane, Bianca Belair battled Baszler with The Boss, Jax and a recently fired Reginald all at ringside. After being thrown out of the ring and to the feet of Reginald, an annoyed Belair hurled him across the ringside area at Nia Jax’s feet. When Jax then came after the disruptive Reginald, she ended up taking Banks out instead. Although Baszler attempted to take advantage of this disruption with the Kirifuda Clutch, The EST of WWE escaped before it was fully locked in and executed the K.O.D. for the the huge victory on one-half of the WWE Woman’s Tag Team Champions. In the aftermath, Belair took issue with Reginald, and he ended up feeling the slap of The Boss.

The Score: 6 out of 10

The Good:

  • The Terminator: The match was good, but only for girly-men. This was better in NXT than it was here. Still it was quality wrestling from two talented people. Shayna carried Bianca through the parts that she still struggles with, like her grapples and her selling.

The Bad:

  • Me: Hey! This is my thing! Also, you killed my students! You bastard-ass son of a bitch! The Terminator: This match did not reach it’s potential, just like the miscreant that tried to review this show before me.

The Verdict:

  • The Terminator: The Verdict is…Nathan must die…just like this match died in the finale of the bout. Me: Oh yeah! Why don’t you just…eep!

Match #5: Cesaro def. Murphy

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

Last week, Seth Rollins informed Cesaro that he lacked a “killer instinct” and received a vertigo-inducing Cesaro Swing for his trouble. This week, The SmackDown Savior joined SmackDown commentary as his one-time disciple Murphy went head-to-head with The Swiss Cyborg. Cesaro hit the Cesaro Swing on his opponent before making him tap out to the Sharpshooter. As the smoke cleared, Cesaro and Rollins stared each other down as The Architect gave the victorious Superstar a standing ovation.

The Score: 3 out of 10

The Good:

  • The Terminator: This was a squash. That’s bad.

The Bad:

  • Me: You know what’s bad? Me screwing with your programming and sending us both back in time!

The Verdict:

  • The Terminator: Squash matches…suuuuuuuuuuck!!!!!!! (time travel)

Match #6: (Main Event) Daniel Bryan def. Jey Uso – Steel Cage Match

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

After being robbed of a Universal Championship opportunity last week with a double count-out, Daniel Bryan once again faced off against Jey Uso – this time inside the dreaded Steel Cage. If he emerged victorious, The Leader of the “Yes!” Movement would earn a Universal Title Match against Roman Reigns at WWE Fastlane. If he lost, he would have to acknowledge Reigns as the Head of the Table. Prior to the match, Bryan leveled Uso backstage and made it clear that he meant business. In the absolutely brutal match that followed, both Superstars felt the full extent of the unforgiving steel and took each other to the limit. After the competitors brought the action to new heights on the side of the cage, Bryan hit the butterfly suplex from the top turnbuckle and drove his foe down hard onto the canvas. This paved the way for him to secure the “Yes!” Lock and make Uso tap out to earn his Universal Title Match against The Big Dog on March 21.

The Score: 8 out of 10

The Good:

  • (time tunnel) Me: For a match so short… Sherman: Look! An authentic amateur wrestling reviewer and a Terminator sent back in time to shoot him for being so terrible! Mr. Peabody: Quiet you! The Terminator: You suck ass! Me: Bryan and Jey fit a lot of great wrestling into a shorter match. They used the cage as effectively as any great cage match ever has and… (arrival just before Terminator attacked the show) …that’s enough to put a warm glow around my heart. The Terminator: Where are we? (Nathan finishes reprogramming Terminator) Giving you a teaching moment: don’t f—k with my students…or my reviews. Past Terminator: What the f—k?! Reprogrammed Terminator: I hate robots…and I like boobies! (Terminators blow each other up)

The Bad:

  • Having this great match get truncated into a shorter bout made this into a match that was bereft of the epic drama of all great cage matches. In addition…damn! Stubbed my toe on these robot scraps!

The Verdict:

  • Bryan got the win and we have a game to win kids! All Kids: Yeah! Me: Shut up!

Major News:

  1. Daniel Bryan will challenge Roman Reigns for the Universal Title at Fast Lane.

Final Verdict: 6/10

This was a decent show that was saved by a great main event. Now…shhhh. Chet: Final question: Who played Darrin better? Dick York or Dick Sergeant? Kid 4: Dick York! Kid 18: Dick Sergeant: Kid 19: Dick York stupid! Kid 22: Dick Sergeant ass-hole! All Kids: Dick! Dick! Dick! Dick! Dick! Dick! Me: Shut the f—k u… You know what? I’m just gonna let you guys figure it out. That’s what a good teacher does…let their kids do all the work. As for you folks reading this review, thank you for coming here once again. I’ll see you next time.

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