20th Jan2021

‘Impact Wrestling’ Review (Jan 19th 2021)

by Nathan Favel

Welcome to this week’s review of Impact Wrestling, right here on Nerdly. I’m Nathan Favel and Warsaw is under attack! Screw this s—! Let’s get the f— out of here! AHHHHHHH!!!!!! Wait…my penis is a Pop Tart. Things are gonna be alright…alright, alright, alright. Would you like some poon tang cookies? We have the fall-out from Hard To Kill which…well, some of it was great…other parts…Karate Man?! What the f—?! Oh…bull-s—! Let’s just get to the wrestling…

Match #1: Eric Young w/ Violent By Design (Deaner & Joe Doering) def Rhino w/ Cousin Jake

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

The war from last Saturday’s Old School Rules match continues tonight as Violent By Design looks to cure the professional wrestling business. Referee Brian Hebner is almost taken out in the early going but the distraction allows Young to gain control with a low blow! Rhino avoids a top rope elbow drop to create separation, then builds momentum with a series of clotheslines. Deaner gets in the ring to provide yet another distraction. This time, it allows Doering to attack Rhino from ringside! Young locks in a heel hook to win by submission.

My Opinion: 6 out of 10 – This was the basics, but with a lot brisk bursts of action. These guys never had any issues making the action look convincing, but the match also never really got beyond just the fundamentals. Still, what we saw here was a lot of good methodical breaking down of each others’ limbs to sell the logic of the bout and… Hawk-Man: Gordon’s alive? Hawk-men…diiiiiiiiiiiiiive! Me: Open fire on the left brigade! They’re faltering from the last bomb run! Attack! Attack! Attack! Also, this was a match where Eric Young deserved to win.

Match #2: Kimber Lee & Susan w/ Knockouts Champion Deonna Purrazzo def Jordynne Grace & Jazz

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

Kimber and Susan charge their opponents to jumpstart the match in their favor. Jordynne and Jazz quickly turn things around with their brute strength as Jazz pummels Susan with a series of strikes. Jordynne attempts a powerbomb on the floor but Kimber throws her to the ground and it looks as though Jordynne tweaks her elbow in the exchange. Susan follows all the rules of the match and even holds the tag rope! Susan fights off a muscle buster, allowing her and Kimber to remain in control for several minutes. Jordynne finally tags in the legendary Jazz who hits Susan with a DDT for two. Kimber distracts the referee, allowing Deonna to hit Jazz with the Knockouts Title! Susan follows up with the pin for the win.

My Opinion: 5 out of 10 – This was a matter of Pixar letting Woody sexually assault The Little Mermaid. How dare they! She’s a sweet red-headed girl who’s half-fish and has big yabbos and is really horny and where is she now damn it?! Anyway, Susan (Su Yung) did alright wearing a suit. Jazz looked excellent working with the equally excellent Jordynne Grace, while Kimber Lee continued to impress…at the speed of a snail. If you rub one out in space too many times it will look like a snow globe and this match was solid entertainment.

Match #3: Brian Myers def Fallah Bahh

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

Fallah hits a big leg drop, followed by a running crossbody for two. Myers jumps off the top but Fallah catches him in mid-air and connects with a belly-to-belly suplex! Myers takes Fallah of his feet with a running clothesline. Fallah squashes Myers in the corner, then follows up with a Samoan Drop for another near fall. Fallah inadvertently pokes Myers in the eye. Myers plays it up for the referee but pulls him into the corner, allowing him to connect with a low blow on Fallah! Myers puts him away with the running clothesline.

My Opinion: 3 out of 10 – This…wasn’t much. Myers carried Bahh through the parts he wasn’t doing well on…which was most. Hey, they can’t all be winners. At least the right person won.

Match #4: (Main Event) Private Party (Isiah Kassidy & Marq Quen) w/ Matt Hardy def Chris Sabin & James Storm – Winners Earn IMPACT World Tag Team Title Shot

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

It’s a stalemate in the opening moments as Sabin and Kassidy match each other’s offense hold for hold. Kassidy counters Storm into a tornado DDT from the apron! Storm is perched on the top but Quen dropkicks him all the way to the floor. AEW President Tony Khan and Jerry Lynn appear at ringside as Khan takes notes on the match! Private Party cut off the ring as they begin to wear Storm down. The “Cowboy” is finally able to create separation and tags in Sabin who takes out both members of Private Party with a double crossbody! Sabin quickens the pace with a dropkick to the back of Quen. Sabin pushes off his own partner to hit Quen with an impactful DDT for two. Storm hits a huge lungblower on Quen for yet another near fall! Kassidy holds Sabin down, allowing Quen to follow up with a Shooting Star to his back. Quen soars through the air, taking out Storm with a dive on the ramp. Matt Hardy distracts the referee, and Jerry Lynn hops the guardrail to prevent Sabin from jumping off the top! Private Party capitalizes with Gin ‘N Juice to score the victory!

My Opinion: 7 out of 10 – This was pretty damn good, considering that it could have been better. Private Party had their best performance yet, but the match still needed some more bracing in the foundation. Sabin and Storm made for another fine pairing again. Sabin and Storm carried Private Party through all the parts of the match that they usually fail at (the wrestling part). One thing I can say about Private Party here was that they are getting faster and more precise and you can see that here. For a match that was not as good as I hoped, it was memorable for the right reasons, so that’s good enough to me.

Final Verdict: 5/10

Okay, one match really was worth watching, while the other three were just good enough to get some kind of rating. On a night where we found out that Taya Valkyrie was the one who got Larry D to shoot John E Bravo and is leaving Impact, the matches largely failed to get my attention. Matt Hardy returned and brought Private Party with him. Matt Cardona is here for a little while. AEW is playing the part of the heel now, with Tony Khan and Jerry Lynn showing up in the main event to screw over Chris Sabin and James Storm. These are the things that keep coming to mind…wait…Matt Striker and D’Lo Brown had their first episode of Impact together and they were good…very good. Wait…see? All I can talk about on a wrestling show is who came and left. You’ve got two hours of wrestling and all you do is four matches that go about twenty-five minutes overall. Why is it the promos are dominating the f—— show? Come on! If the rest of the show had been like the main event, then we’d be onto something. At least we have the Impact/AEW working agreement to enjoy right now.

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