‘Impact Wrestling’ Review (Jan 12th 2021)
Welcome to this week’s Impact Wrestling review, right here on Nerdly. I’m Nathan Favel and we have the final show before Hard To Kill gets here on Saturday. I’m looking forward to the show, even if half of it just feels like a weak episode of Impact itself. We’ll get the final card on this show and…what the… Jimmy The Sexy Lion: What’s hap’nin?! I’m Jimmy The Sexy Lion! Let’s f—! Me: Oh no…what the… Montel Williams: I’m Montel and I used to host a talk show, but now I smoke pot and sell blenders. Billy Blanks: Tae-Bo great! BOOM! BOOM! SCHIFF! SCHIFF! SCHIFF! Hey Montel, let’s have sex with this sexy lion. Jimmy The Sexy Lion: Let’s f—! Montel: Shut the f— up. Billy: Whasda matta? Pot fell in the blender while you smokin’ and you reech in and smokada blender instead and you choppa offa yo fingers whyle ya smokin’n an’ now you look like a tall midget? BOOM! BOOM! SCHIFF! SCHIFF! SCHIFF! Jimmy The Sexy Lion: I’m gonna suck yo’ ass open! Montel: Shut the f— up. Billy: Why’d’ju quit hostin’ y’alls show? Did you get’sa tumor in yo face? Wan’ me to punch it out wit some Tae-Bo? BOOM! BOOM! SCHIFF! SCHIFF! SCHIFF! Me: Well, while I deal with…what-ever the hell this s— is, why don’t we get to the matches and… Jimmy The Sexy Lion: I’m ‘bout to blow yo fat-ass like a cream-puff balloon in da’ middle of noon too soon ta spoon da moon wit a goon-loon who boon ta voon inna da skoon-a-doon-va-zoon! Me: What?
Match #1: Kimber Lee w/ Knockouts Champion Deonna Purrazzo def Taya Valkyrie w/ Rosemary
The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:
This Saturday at Hard To Kill, Deonna Purrazzo will defend the Knockouts Title against the longest-reigning Knockouts Champion of all time, Taya Valkyrie! But first, Taya must get through Kimber Lee as Deonna scouts her opponent from ringside. The bell rings and the fight is on as both Knockouts pummel each other with strikes. Lee begins to wear Taya down with a variety of submission holds. Lee attempts a Swanton Bomb but Taya gets her knees up to create separation! Taya fights back with a spear for two. Taya connects with running double knees in the corner but Deonna puts Lee’s hand on the bottom rope! Rosemary chases her up the ramp but the mysterious Susan intercepts and attacks the Demon Assassin! Lee rolls up Taya off the distraction to score the win!
My Opinion: 3 out of 5
Match #2: Chris Bey & Rohit Raju def X-Division Champion Manik & Suicide
The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:
This Saturday at Hard To Kill, Chris Bey and Rohit Raju will both challenge Manik for the X-Division Title in a 3-Way Match! Bey and Rohit charge their opponents before the bell but the masked marvels quickly turn the tide. Bey and Rohit are about to fly but Manik and Suicide retreat under the ring, only to reappear seconds later and deliver a pair of dropkicks! Suicide hits a suplex, sending Rohit crashing into the corner turnbuckles. Manik hits a top rope crossbody on Bey as the pace quickens. Rohit tries to unmask Manik but Suicide breaks it up. Bey hits Suicide with The Art of Finesse to pick up the victory!
My Opinion: 3.5 out of 5
Match #3: Deaner w/ Eric Young def Tommy Dreamer w/ Cousin Jake by Disqualification
The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:
We get a preview of things to come at Hard To Kill where these two teams meet in an Old School Rules match with no countouts and no disqualifications! Dreamer hits the ropes but Doering trips him up in the opening seconds of the match. Rhino returns the favor when Deaner hits the ropes moments later. The referee ejects both Rhino and Doering from ringside as order is restored, at least momentarily! Deaner distracts the referee, allowing Young to deliver a shot to Dreamer. Deaner slaps his Cousin Jake in the face multiple times and after initially showing restraint, Jake finally snaps. Jake attacks Deaner, causing the referee to call for the bell. The situation quickly turns to chaos as Rhino and Joe Doering return to the ring and a brawl ensues. Doering eliminates Rhino with a huge clothesline, Deaner takes out Jake with the DDT, and Young makes a statement with a vicious a piledriver to Dreamer. Is this a sign of things to come at Hard To Kill?
My Opinion: 1 out of 5
Match #4: Rosemary w/ Crazzy Steve def Tenille Dashwood w/ Kaleb With a K
The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:
This match came about after Tenille Dashwood asked Rosemary to form an alliance with her. Rosemary immediately declined and we’ve now got ourselves a huge Knockouts clash on IMPACT! Rosemary hits a swinging sidewalk slam in the early going. Kaleb trips up Rosemary as she hits the ropes. Rosemary grabs him but he blinds her with hairspray while the referee is distracted! Tenille follows up with a big boot for two. Tenille remains in control with her signature low crossbody in the corner. Rosemary builds momentum with a series of clotheslines, then locks in the Upside Down to do some serious damage. Rosemary’s former ally, Crazzy Steve appears at ringside to even the odds as he chases Kaleb out of the IMPACT Zone! Rosemary uses Tenille’s own hairspray against her, then follows up with the spear to win!
My Opinion: 3.1 out of 5
Match #5: Moose def Matthew Palmer by Referee Stoppage
The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:
Just days after one of the most brutal “I Quit” matches in professional wrestling history, Moose looks to rewrite history after Matthew Palmer survived his 3-Minute Challenge last week. Palmer is not backing down as he quickly goes on the attack from the opening bell. Moose quickly turns the tide with his overwhelming power advantage. Moose delivers relentless elbows, forcing the referee to stop the match.
My Opinion: 1.7 out of 5
Match #6: (Main Event) IMPACT World Champion Rich Swann def IMPACT World Tag Team Champion Karl Anderson
The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:
AEW World Champion Kenny Omega, IMPACT World Tag Team Champion Doc Gallows and Don Callis are seen watching on from the bus. Meanwhile, the Motor City Machine Guns are doing the same from the backstage area. Anderson takes control by driving Swann shoulder-first into the steel ring post! Anderson continues to target the shoulder of Swann as the wear-down process begins. Swann uses his agility to explode with a rolling clothesline. Swann builds momentum with a neckbreaker, followed by a running knee for two. Anderson goes for the Gun Stun but Swann counters into a rollup to win!
My Opinion: 3.7 out of 5
Communication Break-Down: Apart from being a song, this is my way of letting you know that I’m changing the format somewhat. I’m not necessarily going to stop reviewing match per match, but I’m also trying to prevent myself from hating doing this and writing over ten of these things per week (often three or four in a row) is enough to do just that. So, I’m going to add some tiers of information to the end of the review to make it appear larger while adding some extra opinions on the show. This expansion will look somewhat like “The Last Week In Wrestling”, which I still intend on getting back to, as a brief aside. I’ll cover my favorite move, moment, match and wrestler of the night, as well as the worst of each of the aforementioned categories. Okay, let’s get to it before… Jimmy The Sexy Lion: Lez f—! Montel Williams: You can smoke a bowl with a blender. Billy Blanks: I sho am reday to f—! BOOM! BOOM! SCHIFF! SCHIFF! SCHIFF! Montel: Shut the f— up. Billy: Hey lion-baby…we goin’ to Pound-Town! BOOM! BOOM! SCHIFF! SCHIFF! SCHIFF! Jimmy: Cadakadusfrakadusmakadus…ANAL! Me: I…I’ll see you down below.
News Alert:
- Here is the card for Hard To Kill:
Tommy Dreamer, Rhino and Cousin Jake vs. Eric Young, Cody Deaner & Joe Doering – Old School Rules
Kiera Hogan & Tasha Steelz vs. Havok & Nevaeh – Knockouts Tag Team Titles Match
Manik vs. Rohit Raju vs. Chris Bey – X-Division Title Match
Deonna Purrazzo vs. Taya Valkyrie – Knockouts Title Match
Ethan Page vs. The Karate Man
Eddie Edwards vs. Sami Callihan – Barbed Wire Massacre Match
Kenny Omega & The Good Brothers vs. Rich Swann & The Motor City Machine Guns - Tony Khan and Tony Schiavone cut another pro-AEW promo that just added to the “go-away heat” that is already ruminating off of their weekly jack-ass promos.
- Josh Alexander and Bryan Myers will fight, soon.
Worst Move: Big Boot (Tommy Dreamer) – Tommy didn’t necessarily ruin the move upon use, but it didn’t look all that convincing either.
Best Move: Drop-Kick (Suicide) – Suicide did a few of these and they looked fantastic.
Worst Moment: AEW Paid Ad – These things are terrible and Tony Khan needs to stay off of TV until he can get a personality that doesn’t reek of “I’m rich, arrogant and don’t care about anybody but me”. Tony Schiavone has become Khan’s servant and it just makes him look like a waste of time. All these ads do is make me not want to watch AEW. Also, these ads just make you have no respect for Impact, considering that they air these things. The whole feud between AEW and Impact is that it’s a battle of wrestlers, not leagues. I don’t have any desire to see Tony Khan and Don Callis feud in any way, shape or form and I think there aren’t many people who would feel differently. They’re taking some-thing very cool in an inter-promotional feud and reminding us all of why these inter-promotional feuds rarely work for more than a month: dumb face/heel dynamic. I don’t need either league to represent good or evil. Let the wrestlers handle the face/heel thing. The whole angle already feels like a chore and needs to be altered before people reject it. How do you stop the angle from failing? Get rid of these weekly AEW ads and replace them with a twenty second promo from an actual wrestler from AEW who we’d like to see wrestle an Impact competitor.
Best Moment: Four-Way Tangle (Chris Bey & Rohit Raju vs X-Division Champion Manik & Suicide) – This was pretty neat, with these four getting locked into a diamond-sort of shape with their legs and using a move to break the lock while doing logical damage to each fighter. I found this to be very clever and exciting to watch.
Worst Match: Deaner w/ Eric Young & Joe Doering vs Tommy Dreamer w/ Cousin Jake & Rhino – Deaner actually looked pretty good here, but the match was too short and never really got going.
Best Match: IMPACT World Tag Team Champion Karl Anderson vs IMPACT World Champion Rich Swann – This was an excellent match that went for a good while and, while it never got past a certain level, it was always consistent and competitive, which made the whole thing a lot of fun. The clash in styles made for unique effect and having Rich win by roll-up, while underwhelming, was still effective because the match made both wrestlers look capable.
Worst Wrestler: Tommy Dreamer – Dreamer wasn’t necessarily terrible here, but he wasn’t great either. Dreamer is in the Chris Jericho category right now, in that his simpler matches work out well, but when he gets ambitious, his age shows.
Best Wrestler: Rich Swann – Rich had the promo of the night and the match of the night. This was the most convincing Rich has been as a champion since he got the belt and it’s about time.
Final Verdict: 3.2/5
This wasn’t a great show or even an excellent show, but it was a simple one that had its mind in the right place and didn’t waste any time on anything not related to Hard To Kill or upcoming matches. The dumb comedy was kept to a minimum, with only any-thing AEW-related being lousy. I… Jimmy The Sexy Lion: Goin’ balls-deep! Montel Williams: Smokin’ mah blunt, blunt, blunt. Billy Blanks: How ‘bout choo let ol’ Billy Blanks smoke dat pole? BOOM! BOOM! SCHIFF! SCHIFF! SCHIFF! Me: Why do your punches sound like that? Billy: Tae-Bo kicks ass! BOOM! BOOM! SCHIFF! SCHIFF! SCHIFF! Montel: Shut the f— up. Billy: … BOOM! BOOM! SCHIFF! SCHIFF! SCHIFF! Jimmy: Weeze ‘bout to f—! Me: Ummmmm…3.2…you get it. I’ll see you next time… Jimmy: Time to f—! Billy: Aimin’ fo da butt! BOOM! BOOM! SCHIFF! SCHIFF! SCHIFF!
