03rd Dec2020

‘Impact Wrestling’ Review (Dec 1st 2020)

by Nathan Favel

Welcome to this week’s Impact Wrestling review, right here on Nerdly. I’m Nathan Favel and Bob Ryder, long-time Impact talent coordinator and legendary wrestling reviewer/journalist has died. Known for his love of wrestling, Ryder was a polarizing figure in professional wrestling who admitted to professional sycophancy during his run with World Championship Wrestling towards that league’s end. Ryder had been primarily known at that point for starting 1wrestling.com with Dave Scherer, which saw its end when Scherer and Mike Johnson went off to create pwinsider.com (some believe this to have happened due to major financial issues on Ryder’s end). Ryder is credited by many to have pitched the idea of Total Non-Stop Action Wrestling to Jeff and Jerry Jarrett and would eventually join the company to work with the booking of talent on the show itself. It is in this capacity that Ryder would be accused of sexual misconduct. Ryder often had a reputation of not being liked for both his attitude and conduct, claims of which I can only speculate to being true. Controversial or not and guilty or not, Bob Ryder was a person and, no matter how they live their lives, you wish them well in death, so I say sincerely to the late Bob Ryder…Rest In Peace. Let’s get right to the action and quit grabbing my ass!

Match #1: Motor City Machine Guns (Chris Sabin & Alex Shelley) def XXXL (Larry D & Acey Romero)

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

Alex Shelley’s neck injury has healed and The Guns return to action against the team that reaggravated Shelley’s injury, XXXL. Meanwhile, Larry D’s alter ego Lawrence D was revealed as John E Bravo’s shooter last week! The Guns jumpstart the match by charging XXXL during their entrance! Sabin dives through the legs of Shelley, taking out XXXL with a dive to the floor. Acey uses his power advantage to turn the tide in his favor. XXXL sandwich Shelley in the middle of the ring. XXXL is in total control when Sabin builds momentum with an arm drag to Acey. The Guns connect with a dropkick Flatliner on Larry. Acey hits a huge Splash on Sabin for a near fall. Larry crashes and burns with a thunderous top rope splash. The Guns hit the Dirt Bomb on Larry to score the victory and advance on their path back to the Tag Team Championships!

My Opinion: 3.5 out of 5 – This was the best XXXL has looked so far and MCMG had a breezy time working with these guys…well, I don’t think XXXL farted, so it was a decent day at work. You get plenty of D.B. Cooper was Barb Dayton and some of these moves that really D.B. Cooper put on a blonde wig and got the f— out of there to the point of XXXL clobbering MCMG like D.B. Cooper’s penis in that thong he wore as Barb Dayton. Acey and Larry are really improving. Sabin and Shelley are as excellent as ever. I like tig ol’ bitties. These are the things you need to keep in mind while watching the match. I would love to see XXXL actually get some significant wins on the way to losing to a team like MCMG. Butt-Head: He said “wood”. Beavis: Eingh Eingh. WOOD!!!!! BOINGOINGOINGOINGOINOINGOING!!!!! Butt-Head: Her butt is buttalicious. Beavis: I AM CORNHOLIO!!!!! I need teepee for my bunghole. Bunghole, bunghole, bunghole, bunghole… Nathan: Will you ass-holes shut the f— up?! I liked how this was swift and brisk, like me with a dolphin. Over-all, MCMG and XXXL fought to the ends of the anagram and that is what matters.

Match #2: Jordynne Grace & Jazz def Renee Michelle & Killer Kelly – Knockouts Tag Team Title Tournament

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

The first round of the Knockouts Tag Team Title Tournament continues as pro wrestling veteran Jazz makes her IMPACT debut! The winner of this match will go on to face Havok and Nevaeh in the semi finals. Jazz squares off with Renee and puts her incredible strength on display. Jordynne and Jazz connect with a double shoulder tackle on Renee as they remain in control. Renee distracts the referee, allowing Kelly to attack Jordynne from the apron. Renee kicks Jordynne off the apron to the floor to gain the advantage. Jordynne hits Kelly with a powerful Spinebuster, then makes the tag to Jazz. The one woman wrecking crew goes on the attack. Kelly connects with a running dropkick in the corner but Jordynne gets her foot on the bottom rope to break the pin. Jazz puts Renee away with a sitdown Facebuster to advance.

My Opinion: 3.1 out of 5 – All four fighters looked excellent here, including Jazz, who still has a legitimacy to her that is captivating. Butt-Head: Beavis! They’re chicks! Beavis: The…they’ve got hooters! Butt-Head: Awwww…sweet. Nathan: God damn it! Get the f— out of here! Butt-Head: What’s this old chick’s problem? Beavis: Eingh Eingh. Small boobs! Nathan: Anyway, everybody worked well together and made the match into a kind of MMA hybrid contest that wasn’t quite as exciting as you’d hope for, but it had the foundation to be great. Kelly and Renee made for a unique team with a certain mystique that I’d like to see continued into the tag division’s future. Butt-Head: Hey babuh. Nathan: There was no nonsense from any-one here and all of the action felt like it would have been in good company with any from their male peers. All in all, I found this to be an encouraging bout that could be a good omen for the division’s immediate future. Butt-Head: Beavis! We’re gonna score! Beavis: BOINGOINGOINGOINGOINGOINGOINGOINGOING!!!!!!! Nathan: SHUT THE F— UP!!!!! Butt-Head: Hey Grandma, take your pills and, like, chill the f— out. Beavis: SERENITY NOW!!!!!

Match #3: Johnny Swinger vs Cody Deaner w/ Cousin Jake Ends in a No Contest

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

Cody Deaner looks to redeem himself after an embarrassing loss to Johnny Swinger just a few weeks ago on IMPACT! Not only that but Swinger is furious with Deaner for stooging him to Tommy Dreamer after a gun was found in his fanny pack. The match barely gets underway when Eric Young and Joe Doering attack Cousin Jake at ringside. Young turns his attention to Deaner, ending the match in a no contest. Doering hits Swinger with a modified chokeslam. Meanwhile, Young takes out Deaner with a Piledriver. Young gets on the mic and says the attacks will continue until everyone realizes that this world belongs to them.

My Opinion: 0.6 out of 5 – Butt-Head: This sucked. Nathan: Will you…actually, it did suck. It only went a few seconds.  Nathan: Uh…

Match #4: Rohit Raju def Crazzy Steve – X-Division Championship Match

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

This match came about after Crazzy Steve disguised himself as Suicide and pinned Rohit Raju in a non-title match last week! Steve is all over Rohit from the opening bell, going for multiple pins in the first few moments of the match. Steve locks in Upside Down, doing some serious damage to the reigning X-Division Champion. Steve bites Rohit but he fights it off and connects with the jumping Flatliner for two. Rohit is competing at a high-intensity as he connects with a snap suplex. Steve hits a modified DDT, followed by a top rope crossbody for a near fall of his own. Steve connects with a side Russian legsweep, then locks in a unique arm submission. Rohit gets Steve in a pinning predicament and grabs hold of the ropes to steal the victory!

My Opinion: 3.2 out of 5 – This was light, flaky fun that came with a butter crust and a delicate crisp that crunched like… Butt-Head: Beavis…uh…fat-ass is talking about food. Beavis: Eingh eingh. Butt-Head: Shut up, dildo! Nathan: Please! Steve and Raju have a quirky charm together that is very unique and should be revisited. Kinetic and vibrant to the bone… Butt-Head: He said “bone”. Beavis: Mine’s right here! BOINGOINGOINGOINGOINGOINGOINOINGOINGOING!!!!!! Nathan: Oh God. Raju has a chicken-s— heel thing going on that is not too obnoxious when he wrestles, so for those of you who don’t like his promos, then you’ll like this. Steve and Raju did well for the time they had and delivered a brief yet packed match that… Butt-Head: Packed…packed…packed…packed with fudge…fudge packed…huhuhuhuh. Beavis: IT’S A FESTIVUS FOR THE REST OF US! Butt-Head: Shut up, butt-hole! Beavis: Ow! THE FESTIVUS FEATS OF STRENGTH!!!!!! Nathan: Hey! Ow! This ma…Ow! This match was good fun and…Ow! Damn it!

Match #5: (Main Event) Willie Mack def Chris Bey

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

Chris Bey has made his intentions clear – he wants a shot at Rich Swann’s World Title! Tonight, he battles Swann’s best friend Willie Mack in singles action. Willie avoids a dropkick then follows up with a backbreaker on the apron. Bey gains control by targeting the knee. Willie attempts a swinging slam but Bey goes right back to the knee in order to keep control. Bey continues the wear down process with a modified half Boston Crab. Willie finally creates separation with an explosive clothesline! Willie sacrifices his own body as he drops his knee into the chest of Bey. The Ultimate Finesser soars with a stunning Destroyer for two. Bey slaps Willie in the face but it ends up costing him as that only fires up Chocolate Thunder! Willie connects with the Stunner to pick up the victory!

My Opinion: 3.8 out of 5 – This was pretty damn good, I must say. Bey and Mack really took it to each other like… Butt-Head: Hey Beavis. They took it to each other. They took it. Beavis: Yeah! Took it! BOINGOINGOINGOINGOINGOINGOINGOINGOINGOING!!!!!! Nathan: That’s it! You ass-holes wanna do this?! Take it! TAKE IT! TAKE IIIIIIIIIIT!!!!!! TAKE THE CRUMMY ARTICLE! TAKE IT! TAKE IT! TAKE THE STINKIN’ NEWS-PAPER!!!!! Butt-Head: Uh…this match was an excellent physical encounter between two of the best professional wrestlers on the Impact roster. Beavis: Eingh eingh. Yeah! These guys, like, totally didn’t suck! Butt-Head: The action was, like, fast and furious, like the people that get stuck watching those s—ty movies. Beavis: Bey worked hard to kick ass like a 2nd grader on Taco Tuesday. Butt-Head: Taco Tuesday…lest we never forget. Mack was kick-ass to the bone, daddio. This was slam-bang entertainment from the word get-go. Beavis: Slam…bang…BOINGOINGOINGOINGOINGOINGOING!!!!!! Butt-Head: Touche, Beavis, touche. We were here to bear witness to greatness and its name was our main event.

News Of The Night:

  1. Executive Vice President Scott D’Amore suspends Ken Shamrock for violently attacking IMPACT official D’Lo Brown last week.
  2. Alisha attacked Sami Callihan for brutally attacking her husband with a baseball bat last week.
  3. Larry D attacked Tommy Dreamer for wanting to take him to the police for murder.
  4. Deonna Purrazzo, Kimber Lee, The Sinister Minister Father James Mitchell and The Undead Brides attacked Su Yung and carried her off.
  5. Karl Anderson and Ethan Page will fight at Final Resolution for The North’s Tag Title shot after Ethan revealed that he did attack Doc Gallows.
  6. Rich Swann will defend the World Title against Chris Bey at Final Resolution, thanks to Moose goading Bey into attacking Willie Mack and Swann himself.
  7. TJP fights Brian Myers, next week.
  8. Eric Young battles Cody Deaner, next week.
  9. Deonna Purrazzo and Kimber Lee take on Taya Valkyrie and Rosemary in the final first round match in the Knockouts Tag Team Title Tournament, next week.

Final Verdict: 3.4/5

Butt-Head: There was, like, comedy crap in the promos and stuff, but the wrestling part was cool. Beavis: Yeah! I hated the comedy! Tommy Dreamer’s got b—h tits! Hoiohoiohoiohoiohoio!!!!! Butt-head: Where’d that old fat chick go? Beavis: She went to go get some fried chicken. Eingh eingh. Butt-Head: Beavis…we’re like…40. Beavis: What?! Butt-Head: we were 15 in the 90s and we’re fifteen in 2020. Beavis: Hey! We can…like…buy booze now! Butt-Head: Sweet! Okay, butt-munches, thanks for reading… Beavis: Who you callin’a butt-munch?! I AM CORNHOLIO!!!! BOW TO YOUR MASTERRRRRRRR!!!!!! Butt-Head: Shut up, butt-munch! Beavis and Butt-Head: F— you! Suck it! Kiss my ass (their fighting…a lot). Towlie: Always remember to bring a towel…(takes a hit)…I got no idea what’s goin’ on. We hope you liked the wrestling and will…woah…come back next week. …good s—!


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