‘Impact Wrestling’ Review (Oct 6th 2020)

Welcome to this week’s Impact Wrestling review, right here on Nerdly. I’m Nathan Favel and it’s my birthday today. I live a pretty depressing life, with my mom dying a horrible, painful death a few years back and my oldest friend hanging himself, along with my Grandpa being murdered (ruled suicide, but my ass it was) and some other bullsh*t that’s happened since I was ten. I’m actually a goof-ball by nature, so my depression is double-fold because I don’t really feel like me anymore. That being said, I enjoy these reviews, both for me getting to act wacky while reviewing the matches and for “Bob Ross Beyond Thunderdome”. If I’ve ever given the impression that I don’t enjoy writing these reviews, then please perish the thought. This is all good fun to me. That being said, it does piss me off that I’m only writing reviews about Impact instead of running the motherf**ker, but that’s what I get for trying to raise five million dollars from people who have no idea who I am. Screw it. Let’s dance, honey.

Match #1: Tommy Dreamer def Brian Myers (Disqualification)

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

This is a rematch from last Saturday’s Victory Road on IMPACT Plus where Myers picked up the victory. The fight spills to the outside in the early going as Dreamer looks to show Myers why he is the innovator of violence. Dreamer drives Myers in the steel steps. Back in the ring, Myers trips up Dreamer and connects with a back suplex. Myers wears down Dreamer, halting any momentum he tries to build. Dreamer creates separation with an explosive powerslam out of the corner. Dreamer hits a cutter but can’t capitalize with a quick pin, resulting in a two count. Myers comes back with a sit-out scoop slam for a near fall of his own. Myers hits his signature DDT but Dreamer somehow kicks out. Myers swings and misses with a kendo stick. Dreamer is about to use it but Myers pleads with him not to. Dreamer shows compassion but Myers makes him pay for it, delivering a thumb to the eye before cracking him over the head with the kendo stick.

My Opinion: 2.4 out of 5 – Tommy gave a good performance in a dull match that had some nice punch to it, but no spike. That was a booze joke. I’m edgy now. Trachea! Brian may have lost this, but he knocked ol’ Tommaaaaaay around a LOT. All in all, this was decent, but it needed more actual wrestling in it.

Match #2: Jordynne Grace def Rohit Raju

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

Willie Mack grabs the title out of Rohit’s hands from ringside. Grace capitalizes off the distraction and rolls up Rohit for the shocking three count. After the match, Rohit convinces the referee that because he did not raise the X-Division Championship above his head prior to the start of the match, the title was not officially on the line. The referee awards the match to Grace but returns the title back to Rohit.

My Opinion: 0 out of 5 – This was supposed to be for the title, but this was a rendered inert by Raju, who talked the referee into removing the title from the equation. This match followed a long promo by Raju, so screw this whole thing. I want my Wheaties!

Match #3: Rascalz (Dez & Wentz) def XXXL (Acey Romero & Larry D)

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

The Rascalz defeated XXXL at Victory Road this past Saturday but can they do it again? XXXL jumpstart the match by attacking Dez and Wentz before the bell. XXXL send Dez flying with a thunderous double team powerbomb. Larry continues the beatdown with a big boot to Dez. The pace quickens when Wentz makes the tag and hits a running shooting star on Larry. Wentz takes Acey off the apron. Acey gets involved illegally but takes out his own partner with a clothesline. The Rascalz hit Hot Fire Flame on Larry to win.

My Opinion: 1.8 out of 5 – Not much happened in a short match that gave me the sleepies. Hey, it’s a word, damn it! I’m being cute, you putz! Okay, this sucked.

Match #4: Rosemary & Taya Valkyrie def Tasha Steelz & Kiera Hogan

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

Taya is fired up from the opening bell as she delivers double running knees to Kiera in the corner. Taya throws Kiera into an Exploder suplex from Rosemary. Tasha makes the tag but she too gets caught with an Exploder suplex from the Demon Assassin. Rosemary charges at Kiera but the Hottest Flame trips her up, sending her crashing into the turnbuckle. There’s a switch in momentum as it’s now Kiera and Tasha who begin to wear down Rosemary. Havok and Nevaeh are seen watching the match on a monitor backstage. Taya connects with a Blue Thunder Bomb on Kiera, then plants her into the mat with a kick. Rosemary hits a double underhook sit out slam to put Tasha away.

My Opinion: 3.2 out of 5 – Well, this done turned out real nice-like, tater! Y’all gonna luv wauchen deeze bad-ass sumbiches goin’ toe-to-toe! Erreboday was like whoopin’ on each udder like it was two-fer-wun at the Phuck Shack! Well, I done said anuff ‘bout dis here match. It’s a good’un!

Match #5: The Deaners (Cody & Cousin Jake) def Johnny Swinger & Crazzy Steve

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

Johnny Swinger tags himself in after the Deaners persuade Steve to have his money take part in a chugging contest. As Swinger continues to take Steve under his wing and teach him the ways, Steve isn’t following his guidelines. Cody capitalizes off the miscommunication with an Atomic Drop. Swinger wants to use the monkey as a weapon but Steve doesn’t let him. Cody hits Swinger with a bit DDT to win.

My Opinion: 1.3 out of 5 – Well, this was on TV, wasn’t it? Not much happens here that’s worth talking about, but it was there, wasn’t it? Okay, this is over.

Match #6: (Main Event) Motor City Machine Guns (Chris Sabin & Alex Shelley) (c) def Ace Austin & Madman Fulton – Non-Title Match

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

Both of these teams are looking to build momentum ahead of the huge 4-way Tag Team Championship match at Bound for Glory. The early stages of the match are controlled by the Guns as they dominate Ace. Minutes later, Fulton tags himself in and chaos ensues and he sends Shelley headfirst into the turnbuckle. Shelley attempts to fight free but Fulton fights him off with a backbreaker, followed by a springboard leg drop from Ace. There’s miscommunication as Ace inadvertently collides with Fulton. This opens the door for Shelley to make the tag to Sabin. The Guns hit an impressive double team chokeslam suplex to get the giant Fulton off his feet. All hell breaks loose as The Good Brothers stop The North from getting involved with steel chairs. Inside the ring, the Guns put Fulton away with The Dirt Bomb.

My Opinion: 3.9 out of 5 – This turned out great. Motor City Machine Guns have got to be the best tag team of the past twenty years. I know that’s saying a lot, but how many teams can be this in sync for this long and make it look so easy? I get more out of Sabin and Shelley every time I watch them. Hey, it’s my birthday! I’ll talk about what I want. I think I saw that Sabin has some of that athletic tape on his lower back. I hope he’s okay.  Ace and Madman worked hard and gave the Motor City Machine Guns plenty to work with.  This was non-stop action, but action with some brains…and some balls…four pairs. If you hate this match then f-ck you.

News Of The Night:

1. Rohit Raju will be defending the X-Division Title against Jordynne Grace, Willie Mack, TJP, Chris Bey and Trey Miguel in a 6-Way Scramble match at Bound for Glory.
2. Eric Young attacked Rich Swann at his recovery training.
3. Kylie Rae attacked Kimber Lee to show her sadistic side.
4. Fallah Bahh stole Hernandez’s money to pay for John E Bravo’s wedding.
5. Brian Myers attacked Tommy Dreamer.
6. Heath Miller and Scott D’Amore argued about Heath’s contract and Heath got mad at Rhino for convincing him to skip the WWE offer he received (Raw and Drew McIntyre were both directly named by Heath).
7. EC3 threw the TNA World Title off of a bridge.
8. Sami Callihan is brain-washing Ken Shamrock into fighting people, especially Eddie Edwards.
9. Next week’s matches are:
   Kiera Hogan & Tasha Steelz vs. Havok & Nevaeh vs. Rosemary & Taya Valkyrie
   Kimber Lee vs. Kylie Rae
   Madman Fulton vs. Doc Gallows

Final Verdict: 2.9/5

Just skip to the main event. You’ll thank me…or not.