‘Impact Wrestling’ Review (Sept 15th 2020)

Welcome to this week’s Impact Wrestling review, right here on Nerdly. I’m Nathan Favel and we have Penelope Spheeris here to whoop your ass. Schwing! Agnes Varda framed my kitty-cat and it died…of framing. We’ve got more build to Bound For Glory on the way, so get your wrestling cap on so…wrestling cap? Jesus Titty-Fukking…well, we’ve got six matches and no “The Whole F’n Show” with Rob Van Dam, even though it was advertised last week. Well, I guess Katie Forbes got her ass stuck in the elevator, so she couldn’t reach the stage…maybe? I don’t know. I hope Katie Forbes’s ass is okay and Impact Wrestling starts now. Also, Barry Scott, the magnificent announcer of Total Non-Stop Action Wrestling during its best period, has died. Barry Scott had a tremendous voice and the gravitas to match it. Nobody could ever replace Barry Scott. For Barry Scott…CROSS THE LINE.

Match #1: Susie & Kylie Rae def Deonna Purrazzo & Kimber Lee

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

Knockouts Champion and #1 contender square off in tag team action here as Deonna and Kylie start the match. Deonna strikes Susie from the apron, allowing Lee to gain control with a clothesline. Deonna and Lee work well together as they continue to wear Susie down. Susie creates separation with an atomic drop, then makes the hot tag to Kylie. Lee connects with a German suplex on Kylie but it sends her right into the corner where Susie tags herself in. Susie hits Lee with the Aracnarana. Susie connects with Su Yung’s finisher, the Panic Switch, on Lee to win.

My Opinion: 3.4 out of 5 – This was a simple, easy match that had lots of action bursting out of the crevices, like those children I keep in the basement. PIZZAGATE! I loved how nobody slouched out in the ring, unlike those kids moving the grinding wheel in the basement. LAZY!!!!!! There was so much smart grappling in the first act of the match, that it earned these four the right to kick it up a notch in the last third of bout. Deonna was in charge here, but Rae went from Bayley to Lorena Bobbitt in a display of her range. I loved the wrestling here and I wish this had gone on for a bit longer, at least.

Match #2: XXXL (Acey Romero & Larry D) def The Deaners (Cody Deaner & Cousin Jake)

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

From Wrestle House to the IMPACT Zone, this tag team feud continues. Larry connects with a strong forearm to Cody before Acey pummels him in the corner with a series of chops. Cody avoids the Best Hand in the House from Larry and makes the tag. Cousin Jake shows off his incredible strength with a swinging slam to Larry. Acey sends Cody flying out of the ring with a huge Pounce. Larry knocks out Jake with his devastating right hand to win.

My Opinion: 2.9 out of 5 – This was okay, with Acey looking great and everybody else ham sandwich.

Match #3: Trey Miguel def TJP

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

According to Rohit Raju, TJP is next in line for an X-Division Title shot. However, what management doesn’t realize is that all Rohit is doing is prolonging the time before he has to defend his championship. Trey wants the next opportunity and a win here may give him just that. The action is fast and furious from the opening bell. TJP connects with a dropkick but Trey turns it around with a Cheeky Nandos Kick. Trey sends TJP to the floor with a Hurricanrana, followed by a dive. TJP locks in the ankle lock but Trey gets to the bottom rope. Trey picks up the win with impressive double knees off the top.

My Opinion: 3.5 out of 5 – This was sum vury nyce rasslan frum deeze tuu shtand uupp gaizes. I…sorry… Trey and TJP had a smart, measured and reserved bout that didn’t skimp on the action, which is like me when I bungee-jump off of Hushabye Mountain. Hey, it’s a cute joke! Dick Van Dyke’s name is obscene! Shoot him! Trey and TJP went back and forth like Billy Baldwin on whether Adam Baldwin is a sissy or not. Hey, I’m too tired to know what the hell I’m talking about and you should go on to the next match. Anyway, Trey winning was the right call and he earned it by going full-tilt X-Division on TJP’s Oingo-Boingo.

Match #4: Willie Mack def Brian Myers

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

This rivalry continues as Willie looks to get back in the win column after falling to 0-2 to Myers. The fight spills to the outside in the early going as Myers hits a side legsweep on the ramp. Myers exposes the steel turnbuckle but Willie fights him off before he can use it as a weapon. Willie begins to build momentum with a back suplex. Willie hits his signature leg drop for two. Myers connects with a Pele, followed by a sitdown slam for his own near fall. Myers charges into the corner but Willie sidesteps him, causing him to collide with the turnbuckle that he exposed. Willie hits the Stunner to score the victory.

My Opinion: 3.3 out of 5 – If you like a lot of meat and potatoes shoved down your throat and doused in salt, then you will like this spud, damn it. Mack took a beating the whole match, but since this was about Mack overcoming that dastardly Myers, who has a weird beard. It’s nice that Mack got the win, but…wait, there’s no but.

Match #5: Kiera Hogan w/ Tasha Steelz def Taya Valkyrie

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

Rosemary doesn’t accompany Taya to ringside after she was brutally attacked by Havok just moments ago. Taya hits a back elbow, followed a double foot stomp. Kiera turns the tide with a running boot in the corner. Taya drives Kiera into the corner turnbuckle, as she topples to the floor. Tasha rakes the eyes of Taya behind the referees back, allowing Kiera to capitalize with a swinging fisherman’s suplex to win.

My Opinion: 3.1 out of 5 – Taya boobed Hulk Hogan’s sista into…wait, Kiera won. Taya’s a fuggin loser! Loser! Loser! Loser! Loser! Loser! Well, at least this loser kept up the pace the whole bout and made Kiera look tough. Ohio State sucks ass and this match…not bad.

Match #6: (Main Event) The North (Ethan Page & Josh Alexander), Ace Austin & Madman Fulton def Good Brothers (Doc Gallows & Karl Anderson) & Motor City Machine Guns – Eight-Man Tag Team Match

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

Page assists Alexander with a hanging DDT to Shelley. Fulton hits a Northern Lights suplex on Shelley after he attempted to make the tag where Sabin was reaching and the Good Brothers noticeably were not. Shelley is getting beat down as his opponents cut off the ring and prevent him from making a tag. Sabin has seen enough and delivers a kick to Ace, allowing Shelley to hit a back suplex and tag Anderson. Page gets sent for a ride with a huge spinebuster from Anderson. Gallows big boots Fulton off the apron. The Good Brothers attempt the Magic Killer on Page but Alexander breaks it up. Sabin takes out The North with a top rope crossbody as the match turns to chaos. The action is absolutely insane with momentum shifting by the second. The North do the damage to Shelley but Ace tags himself in and steals the pin to win.

My Opinion: 3.5 out of 5 – This was good, solid tag wrestling that was never spectacular, but it was always meaty and zesty, like Rocky Mountain Oysters dipped in Ozark Trail Fudge. I can’t tell you that this was some of the best tag work of anybody’s career, but it was all serviceable and that is just fine some-times.

News Of The Night:

1. Rhino and Heath stole Hernandez’s money.
2. Susie teased unleashing Su Yung, but was talked out of it by Kylie Rae.
3. Havoc attacked Rosemary for trying to get Havoc to aid her in resurrecting James Mitchell for the wedding to John E Bravo.
4. Taya wants Rosemary to help her in matches and Rosemary wants Taya to help with the wedding.
5. Next week’s matches are:
   Kimber Lee vs. Susie
   TJP vs. Trey vs. Chris Bey – #1 Contender’s Match
   Rohit Raju vs.??? – X-Division Title Match Against The Winner Of The Triple Threat Match
   Tenille Dashwood vs. Jordynne Grace
6. EC3 challenged Moose to find where he is before he destroys the TNA World Title.
7. Rich Swann fights Eric Young for the Impact World Title at Bound For Glory.

Final Verdict: 3.4/5

There was a bit too much talking on this show, but the wrestling always delivered some-thing worth watching, so mission accomplished.