‘Impact Wrestling: Emergence – Night One’ Review

Greetings, you foul-smelling oafs! “Smart” Mark D. Mark here to fill in for Nathan Favel, who is probably at home using his mother’s ashes as kitty-litter, because he’s such a wimp. Nathan will receive the credit while I, “Smart” Mark D. Mark, will do all the work, because Donald J. Trump is MAKING AMERICA GREAT AGAIN. I tire of watching Impact Wrestling squander their potential on the likes of WWE rejects and unpromoted prize fights that lead to no buckos in the banko. Emergence: Night 1 is upon us and it will bring us a main event featuring The North, who are seeking to regain the Impact World Tag Titles from The Motor City Machine Guns. America versus Canada…beat that Canuck ass boys! With an X-Division Title match to start us off, let’s embark on the great venture of your life, you pathetic squelches.

Match #1: Rohit Raju def. Chris Bey & TJP w/ Fallah Bahh – Triple Threat Match For The X-Division Championship

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

The first person to score a pinfall or submission will leave as X-Division Champion. Rohit insists that he’s only here to ensure Chris Bey retains his title. TJP jumpstarts the match by taking out both Bey and Rohit with a crossbody to the floor. TJP maneuvers both of his opponents into a unique double submission. Bey inadvertently catches Rohit with a kick, sending him to the outside. TJP hits Bey with a springboard crossbody. TJP connects with a Tombstone Piledriver but instead of going for the cover, he climbs to the top where he’s met by Rohit. TJP hits Rohit with a thunderous Superplex. Bey puts his unique offense on display, planting TJP with a gut-wrench DDT. Bey is about to tap to a submission from TJP but Rohit prevents his hand from hitting the mat. Rohit goes against his word, connecting with a double stomp on Bey to win the X-Division Championship.

My Opinion: 3.5 out of 5 – If you like watching Cannonball Run 2, then you’ll be able to live out your water-head boy dreams in full buck-toothed glory, because these goofs jumped around like kissing cousins caught on the couch smooching from ass to tongue. There are plenty of these big dives and the like here, with TJP using some incredibly creative submissions on his opponents at the same time. This was not bad but I wanted more time and less liberal tripe from these millennials. As an opener, this was a pleasant surprise.

Match #2: Moose def. Trey Miguel – TNA World Heavyweight Championship Match

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

This TNA World Heavyweight Championship invitation was intended for Suicide but it turned out to be Trey Miguel under his mask! Moose shows off his strength advantage in the early going. Moose dropkicks Trey off the top and he topples to the floor below. Moose continues the assault by dropping Trey face-first onto the apron. Trey tries to build momentum with multiple strikes but Moose shuts him down with a fall-away slam. Moose is absolutely dominant but starts trash-talking. It ends up costing him as Trey finally gets something going with a flurry of high-speed offense. Trey counters a vertical suplex into a huge DDT. Moose catches Trey in mid-air, then swings him into the steel-guardrail. Trey barely beats the referee’s 10 count. Moose puts him away with the Lights Out spear.

My Opinion: 3.5 out of 5 – I enjoyed watching the football player smash the wall-hopper. Moose (stupid name) muscled his way across the canvas like Van Gogh on ‘roids, just so he could mangle Miguel. Trey Miguel fought like border patrol had just caught him sneaking in, which is what Miguel was trying to do…sneak a victory. I got great pleasure watching Trey Miguel get crushed under the weight of Moose’s power-slams and his power-bombs. If you desire to see brisk, brutal fighting from amazing, athletic wrestlers, then this match will quench your thirst.

Match #3: The Good Brothers (Doc Gallows & Karl Anderson) def. Ace Austin & Madman Fulton

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

The Good Brothers are furious, taking the fight to Ace in the early going. It’s a clash of giants as Gallows and Fulton square off. Fulton distracts Anderson from the apron, allowing Ace to gain control with a dropkick. Ace and Fulton cut off the ring as they wear down Anderson. Fulton drops Anderson back-first into the knees of Ace. Anderson slips free and creates separation with a big Spinebuster to Ace. Gallows receives the hot tag and goes on the attack. The Good Brothers attempt the Magic Killer on Ace but Fulton breaks it up. The match breaks down as Gallows sends Fulton over the guardrail. The Good Brothers connect with the Magic Killer on Ace to win.

My Opinion: 3.3 out of 5 – This was a match that only got interesting near the end, but not interesting enough to make me stop thinking about that woman in my basement. The mat work was decent, with the rules of tag wrestling loosely followed, like Nathan when he follows that librarian home after her shift ends so he can “check a book out”. Ace should not have lost here, but he also shouldn’t have that haircut, so there you go. Karl should stop wearing those shorts, as he looks like he just did something that will get him on the National Sex Registry. Fulton and Gallows beat the piss out of each other the whole time, which looked great, as they are MEN!

Match #4: (Main Event) Motor City Machine Guns (Chris Sabin & Alex Shelley) def The North (Ethan Page & Josh Alexander) – Impact World Tag Team Championships Match

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

The North double team Shelley. Page hands Shelley off to Alexander, who hits him with a backbreaker. It’s then Page’s turn to target the back of Shelley, as he hits a backbreaker of his own. Alexander whips Page into the corner but Shelley gets his feet up. Shelley rolls into the corner, tagging Sabin into the match. Sabin soars through the air with a missile dropkick to Page. Sabin dives through the legs of Shelley, colliding with Alexander on the floor. Shelley misses a top rope double stomp. Sabin dropkicks Page into a Flatliner from Shelley for two. The North plant Sabin to the mat with their signature double team offense for a near fall. The Guns’ tandem offense continues as they hit Page with the neckbreaker crossbody to win.

My Opinion: 3.8 out of 5 – Now this is wrestling, ladies and gentlemen, wrestling. I got a chub, folks. The North are wrestlers, not little flippy-dippy wrestlers like The Young Bucks. The Motor City Machine Guns have the skills to blow this popsicle stand called Impact Wrestling. If you want concise wrestling action that doesn’t take any shortcuts, then you want to see two of the best teams today knock this ball out of the park. If you choose not to like this match, then you are supporting terrorism. America whooped your asses in two wars and carried your asses through the trenches of life, so don’t go thinking you are above blindly loving this match, because we will nuke your asses until the green meat glows.

News Of The Night:

1. EC3 stole the TNA World Title from Moose after he attacked him.
2. Wrestle House had the Deaners’ beer get stolen, John E Bravo and Crazzy Steve have a weird puppet show and Kylie Rae fight Taya Valkyrie in a passable effort.
3. Hernandez now has Reno Scum as his paid goons.
4. Eric Young claims to be a true star (check the box office…BULLSHIT).
5. Willie Mack and Brian Myers have a feud over interrupting each other…typical democrats.
6. Heath ran another vignette to get a spot on the roster.
7. Here is the card for Emergence: Night 2 –
   Brian Myers vs. Willie Mack
   Deonna Purrazzo vs. Jordynne Grace – 30-Minute Ironman Knockouts Championship Match
   Eddie Edwards vs. ??? – Impact World Title Match

Final Verdict: 3.5/5

This show had three matches that were worth watching and a fourth that won’t hurt to take a glance at.