‘Impact Wrestling’ Review (May 19th 2020)

Welcome to this week’s Impact Wrestling review, right here on Nerdly. I’m Nathan Favel and Shad Gaspard is still missing, while the late, great Larry Csonka’s GoFundMe page for his family is here: https://www.gofundme.com/f/larrymania-living-on-in-his-girls. Impact has more from the Impact World Title Contender Tournament and I’ve got a wedgie in my hoo-hah. I could kick Anna Kendrick’s ass…don’t say I can’t, you jack-ass! Oh, fine, I couldn’t even lick her ass clean, let alone whoop it. That being said, I bet the Impact roster could knock her ass out! See!? I’m putting them over. I’m a genius! Oh, fine, I’m an idiot. Well, it’s wrestling time.

Match #1: Ace Austin def. Rhino – #1 Contenders Tournament First Round

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

Rhino holds the ring as Ace retreats to the outside for a breather. Rhino sets up for the Gore but Ace dives to the floor to avoid it. Rhino follows him outside this time and connects with a vertical suplex. Ace drives Rhino into the steel ring post to gain control. Rhino barely makes it back in the ring before the referee completes his ten count. Ace hits a springboard kick for two. Both men are down after a double clothesline. Rhino hits the mini-Gore to build momentum but Ace quickly shuts him down. Rhino connects with a Superplex for a near fall. Rhino swings at Ace with a steel chair but the referee stops him from using it. Ace hits Rhino with his signature baton while the referee has his back turned, followed by The Fold to win.

My Opinion: 3 out of 5 – These guys worked well together and didn’t get stuck on any one move or idea. When you talk about a match having a good pace, this match is the kind of bout that you can use as an example, because they kept moving right along no matter what. Rhino gave a lot to Ace, who hair is purplier (It’s a damn word now!) than Barney’s crotch-rocket. Ace winning was the right call and since he got the put-over both in battle and victory (bad poetry), I’d say he had a good night.

Match #2: Crazzy Steve def. Dave Crist w/ oVe (Madman Fulton & Jake Crist)

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

Steve is on fire in the early going, hitting Dave with a quick flurry of attacks. Steve connects with a slingshot crossbody to the outside. Joseph P. Ryan watches on and takes notes on his iPad from the ramp. Dave turns the tide with a big clothesline. Dave wears down Steve with a series of submissions. Steve launches himself off the top and hits a flying DDT to win.

My Opinion: 3.1 out of 5 – This was a wild little fight between two guys who were wackier than Alice Bowie when he’s so bloody rich! You know, this reminds of when CM Punk brawled with Homicide in the strip club and on the t—- table and saw the strippers and Punk said “You’re a w—-!” Wait…no it doesn’t. Crazzy Steve matches always get me thinking weird s—, because he has such an odd way of performing…Crist too. If you like weird, then this is your kinda match.

Match #3: TJP & Fallah Bahh def. XXXL (Acey Romero & Larry D)

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

Fallah uses TJP as a backpack as they both crash into Larry on the mat. TJP launches himself off Fallah’s back, delivering a flying elbow to Larry. TJP hits the ropes but Acey clobbers him with a huge clothesline. Larry connects with a spinebuster on TJP for two. TJP hits Larry with a DDT to create distance, allowing him to tag in Fallah. Acey gets sent to the floor with a flying shoulder tackle. Acey comes back at Fallah with a Pounce. Fallah hits Larry with a belly-to-belly suplex for a near fall. Fallah hits Larry with a Samoan Drop, followed by the Mamba Splash from TJP to win.

My Opinion: 2.8 out of 5 – This was okay, but it was a bit slow (not a fat joke). There’s a lot of smash-mouth, banger action here to make Butterbean blush. While this wasn’t the best match these two teams could’ve had, this was a solid contest that treated both teams equally, despite two different team dynamics at work.

Match #4: Moose def. Suicide – TNA World Heavyweight Championship Match

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

Moose catches Suicide in mid-air. Suicide turns it around and sends Moose into the steel ring post. Suicide hits a Hurricanrana out of the corner, then begins to wear down Moose with an Octopus style submission. Moose catches Suicide once again and this time, swings him into the steel guardrails. Moose utilizes his strength advantage with a series of strong Irish whips into the corner turnbuckles. Suicide finally begins to build some momentum with a clothesline. Suicide somehow gets Moose up on his shoulders, slams him to the mat and follows up with a springboard Moonsault for two. Moose is about to resort to breaking the rules but Suicide stops him. Suicide attempts a Swanton off the top but Moose rolls him up with a hold of the tights to win.

My Opinion: 3.4 out of 5 – For eleven or so minutes, these two made their “fake” World Title match into another fun affair. Moose is doing really well as this delusional prick who thinks he actually is a World Champion. Suicide and Moose seem to have a certain chemistry together that makes me think that I wish I was an Oscar Meyer wiener and Moose retained his “World Championship”.

Match #5: Willie Mack def. Johnny Swinger – Impact X-Division Championship Match

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

Swinger is in control from the opening bell. Willie ducks a clothesline, then hits a powerslam and running leg drop. Swinger hits the Swinging Neckbreaker but Willie gets his foot on the bottom rope to break the count. Swinger thinks he’s won the match and celebrates with the X-Division Championship. Willie connects with a Samoan Drop, followed by the standing Moonsault to win.

My Opinion: 2.4 out of 5 – Mack carried Swinger to something short and passable, like a book report written by Jack Kerouac about The Pokey Little Puppy. Swinger is likely never going to be the great wrestler, but he has a fun character that does add some entertainment value to his matches. Mack is already fitting in great as the X Champ and has the chops to be the focal point of the division, especially if he keeps performing like he did here. Mack won, and should have won.

Match #6: (Main Event) Michael Elgin def. Sami Callihan – #1 Contenders Tournament First Round

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

Callihan’s ankle is in obvious discomfort after he refused to tap out to Ken Shamrock’s ankle lock just a few weeks ago. Callihan pump-kicks Elgin to the floor, then sends him into the steel guardrails. Elgin targets Callihan’s ankle as he drives it into the guardrail. Callihan pulls Elgin into the ring post but Elgin quickly re-targets the ankle. Callihan connects with a big clothesline as both men are laid out. Callihan hits a dive to the floor. Elgin connects with a clothesline to the back of Callihan, then locks in the single-leg Boston Crab. Callihan almost passes out but regains consciousness before the referee can call for the bell. Callihan has a second wind as he hits a back suplex. Elgin puts Callihan away with the sit-down Powerbomb to advance in the tournament.

My Opinion: 3.5 out of 5 – Holy Ossie Davis, this was an excellent match! Like Britney Spears when she beat Lennox Lewis for the BET “Shake-That-Ass” World Title, I was happy with what we got here. This match had as much action as a strip club with a bunch of Chuck Norris nuns riding down them poles. Hooah! Sami has a sleazy way of doing everything these days. Elgin crushed Sami like a little white boy’s dreams of playing in the NBA (Rick Moranis sets up the shot!) Overall, the main event felt important and was wrestled that way.

News Of The Night:

1. Moose cut a delusional promo during a Josh Matthews interview that sold me on him as the TNA World Champion.
2. Cody Deaner and an un-known fighter named “Wheels” (not the referee) will challenge The North for the Impact World Tag Titles, next week.
3. The Semi Finals of the #1 Contender’s Tournament commence, next week.
4. Kiera Hogan will now serve as Tasha Steelz’s mentor.
5. Rosemary is trying to woo John E. Bravo.

Final Verdict: 3.4/5

This was a simple show that never went too far away from decent, but not close enough to fantastic. Still, I had a good time and I never felt like my intelligence was insulted.