09th Apr2020

‘Impact Wrestling’ Review (April 7th 2020)

by Nathan Favel

Welcome to this week’s Impact Wrestling review, right here on Nerdly. I’m Nathan Favel and all these people who are using the COVID-19 thing to make other people feel bad for going outside, for any reason, are assholes. Okay, we’ve got some wrestling here, with people! I wish the crowds for wrestling shows were the one from Married With Children. Kelly Bundy…hooooooooooooot…me…not. Impact Wrestling starts…to give me nightmares from Don Callis looking at the women. Who does that f—— Canuck think he is, Dr. T, because only Dr. T gets the women. THAT’S THE RULES!!!

impact-wrestling-header

Match #1: Willie Mack def. Reno Scum (Adam Thornstowe & Luster The Legend) – 2 on 1 Handicap Match

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

Willie is on fire in the early going but quickly falls victim to the numbers game when Thornstowe uses Luster’s head as a battering ram. Thornstowe hits a standing Moonsault for two. Willie begins to turn the tide with a standing Moonsault of his own. Thornstowe launches himself off the back of Luster, hitting Willie with a double foot stomp. Willie hits the Stunner on Luster, followed by the Six Star Frog Splash to win.

My Opinion: 3 out of 5 – Hey, this wasn’t that bad. Mack ran the show and RS actually gave a good performance to boot. I’m not normally a fan of one man beating a team, but Mack is the big deal here, so I guess there isn’t much a choice.

Match #2: Chris Bey def. Daga

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

The action is fast and furious from the opening bell. Daga takes Bey to the outside with a head scissors and dropkick. Daga is about to fly but Bey cuts him off. Back in the ring, Bey trips up Daga on the top rope. Bey remains in control with a back body drop. Daga hits a series of clotheslines, followed by a gutwrench powerbomb for two. Bey drives Daga into the side of the ramp. Daga soars off the ramp, crashing into Bey head-first on the outside. Bey gets Daga in a pinning predicament and grabs the middle rope to steal the victory.

My Opinion: 3.5 out of 5 – This was some excellent wrestling that got plenty of time. Both of these guys felt very unique, if that makes sense/cocaine is a mother-f—–. This had the X-Division flair to it, but they didn’t lean on that laurel either. These guys have some personality to them, that’s for damn sure. I could go for this again.

Match #3: Havok def. Madison Rayne

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

Madison attempts a schoolgirl in the early going but Havok won’t budge. Havok takes control with a powerful clothesline. Havok charges into the corner but Madison avoids her and follows up with an Enzuigiri. Madison plays to the crowd, allowing Havok to quickly recover. Havok catches Madison in mid-air and connects with the Tombstone Piledriver to win.

My Opinion: 2.3 out of 5 – This wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t good either. Rayne can wrestle, so seeing her have to slow down is a bit sad, but she can’t just leave Havoc in the dust either. If I say “either” one more time, I get a popsic…I said it three times…POPSICLE! Okay, I’m gonna go eat this bad-boy and put it in my mouth, take it out, lick the tip several times, stick it back in, tighten my lips and so on and so forth, making a sucking sound the whole time, because that’s how you eat a popsicle. Also, Rayne deserved a better match to be in, but she did a nice job here, so there you go.

Match #4: Tommy Dreamer & Rhino def. oVe (Dave Crist & Jake Crist)

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

Fulton grabs Dreamer from the apron in the opening minutes of the match, causing the referee to eject him from ringside. Jake charges at Dreamer but gets caught with a back body drop from the ramp into the ring. The Crist Brothers begin to wear Tommy down but he turns the tide with a big Superplex off the top. Dreamer makes the tag to Rhino who goes on the attack. Dreamer hits Dave with a cutter but gets taken out by Jake with a series of kicks. Rhino catches Jake with the Gore to pick up the win.

My Opinion: 2.7 out of 5 – This just was…it was there, yeah? Dreamer was the weak link here, but that’s been true of his matches for some time. If you’re looking for a match to make you think the old ECW guys are reaching a new peak, then you might want to skip this (Rhino still looks good, though).

Match #5: Kiera Hogan def. Susie

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

Kiera Hogan is in control in the early going. Kiera chokes Susie with her boot in the corner, then follows up with a series of running strikes. Tensions escalate as Susie charges at Kiera and begins to pummel her. Kiera comes right back with a superkick for two. Susie picks Kiera off the top rope with a Hurricanrana for a two count of her own. Susie is looking for her bloody glove but that belongs to her alter-ego, The Undead Bride Su Yung. Kiera puts Susie away with a modified swinging neckbreaker to win.

My Opinion: 2.6 out of 5 – Hogan and Su did well together, but the match itself felt a bit flat (like my ass). I don’t like that Su Yung is getting stuck with the Abyss/Joseph Parks gimmick, but that’s Impact for you. Why can’t Su Yung just be Savannah Young? Wasn’t that her original name before she got the Impact contract? Any-way, this match needed more wrestling it, in addition to hitting the spots on the mark.

Match #6: (Main Event) The North (Ethan Page & Josh Alexander) def. Tessa Blanchard & Eddie Edwards – Impact Tag Team Championship Match

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

Eddie hits Page with an atomic drop, followed by a belly-to-belly suplex. Eddie dives through the ropes, crashing into Alexander on the floor. Tessa launches herself off the top, taking out both members of The North with a huge crossbody. The North cut off the ring as they begin to wear down Eddie, preventing him from getting the tag to Tessa. Eddie connects with a double Hurricanrana on both members of The North, allowing him to finally break free and make the tag to Tessa. The World Champion is on fire as she soars through the air with multiple dives. Tessa hits a cutter on Page for two. Eddie connects with a sit-down Tiger Bomb on Alexander, followed by a Destroyer from Tessa for another near fall. Tessa hits Alexander with a Tornado DDT but consciously decides not to tag in a fresh Eddie. The North put Tessa away with their signature double team spinebuster to retain the Titles.

My Opinion: 3.7 out of 5 – This was really strong stuff. There ain’t a bad fighter in the bunch, that’s for sure. For a make-shift team, Tessa and Eddie worked quite well together, I must say. The North continue to be a great team and this match won’t change my mind in that regard. Seeing Tessa take the fall was one of those ripped-Band-Aid moments, as having her lose in this fashion is important, so she fits in with the roster (a woman can lose a fall to man as much as she can get one from him). The action was athletic and brisk, like screwing a snowman. Overall, if you want to see some tag wrestling worth remembering, then this bout is not a bad place to start.

News Of The Night:

  1. Taya Valkyrie beat the s— out of a pillow-padded John E. Bravo with a chair.
  2. The tag division had a party, for some reason.
  3. Sami Callihan and Ken Shamrock sign a contract, next week, for a match at Rebellion.
  4. Jordynne Grace defends the Knockout’s Title against Taya Valkyrie, at Rebellion, in a Full Metal Mayhem Match.
  5. Kylie Ray fights Kiera Hogan at Rebellion.
  6. Tenille Dashwood fights Taya Valkyrie, next week.
  7. Johnny Swinger fights M. Jackson, next week.
  8. Michael Elgin attacked Eddie Edwards and Tessa Blanchard.

Final Verdict: 3.4/5

This was alright, but it needed some life breathed into it.

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