‘Impact Wrestling’ Review (Oct 29th 2019)

Welcome to this week’s review of Impact Wrestling, right here on Nerdly. I’m Nathan Favel and we have Linda Hamilton kicking Gabriel Luna’s ass in Terminator: The Search For More Money. We’ve got some big matches to get to, so let’s lick the toad and freak the !@#$ out! AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Match #1: Noamichi Marufuji def. Josh Alexander (with Ethan Page)

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

Marufuji hits a dropkick, followed by running double knees to gain momentum in the early going. Alexander launches himself off the top, driving his knee into the neck of Marufuji for a two count. Marufuji connects with a series of kicks but Alexander comes right back with a big forearm shot. Alexander gets Marufuji up in the Torture Rack, then spins him down to the mat for a very close near fall. Marufuji connects with Sliced Bread #2 to pick up the win.

My Opinion: 3.4 out of 5 – This was quite good, but that’s not a surprise. These guys hacked away at each other. This was a smart pairing that worked hard to make something out of this. Josh is very underrated as a wrestler. Josh is like a dull Rick Steiner (that’s a compliment). Marufuji was the right guy at the right time for Josh and was also the right winner for this match. Hiya!

Match #2: Jordynne Grace, Rosemary & Alexia Nicole def. Taya Valkyrie, Kiera Hogan & Madison Rayne

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

Alexia hits the ropes but Taya attacks her from the apron, allowing Madison to gain control of the match. Kiera takes Alexia off the top with a high-risk Hurricanrana but tweaks her shoulder in the process. It turns out to be a hoax as she suckers Alexia in and pokes her eyes. Jordynne connects with a big splash on Taya. Jordynne rolls up Taya out of nowhere to score the upset victory.

My Opinion: 2.8 out of 5 – This was a simple sort of fight that never was quite as good as it could have been, but it was always consistent. Grace winning was a good decision and gives us an immediate contender for the Knockout’s Title. Chill out, d—k-wad. That’s Terminator 2 joke. If my toaster ever said that to me, then it would be the latest thing to say that to me. I get upset when a breeze pisses me off.

Match #3: Rich Swann & Willie Mack def. Desi Hit Squad (Rohit Raju & Raj Singh) w/ Gama Singh

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

The Desi Hit Squad wear down Rich, cutting off the ring and preventing him from making the tag to Willie. Rich turns it around with a clothesline to Rohit, allowing him to tag in the big man. Willie hits Rohit with a Samoan Drop, followed by his signature standing Moonsault for a two count. The Desi Hit Squad connect with a modified double team DDT on Rich but Willie breaks up the pin attempt. Rich hits Rohit with the handspring cutter. Rich and Willie hit a double team top rope neckbreaker to win.

My Opinion: 3.3 out of 5 – This was some fun stuff with the right guys getting the fall. The DHS is not the best team out there, but they do work hard. The DHS worked hard to keep-up with Rich and Mack, which makes them sound like a Country music band. Rich and Mack…”Just Keep Kissing This Tree”. The action was all on the winners and they delivered what they should have delivered.

Match #4: Ace Austin def. Eddie Edwards – Street Fight Match

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

Eddie jump-starts the match with a dive through the ropes to the floor. Eddie brings out the weapons but Ace turns it around with a trash can shot. Eddie is about to put Ace through a table when Reno Scum interferes. Eddie sends Thornstowe through the table with a belly-to-belly throw. Ace regains control off the distraction with a springboard leg drop onto a garbage can. Eddie takes Ace off the top rope with a huge back body drop. Eddie swings a kendo stick but Ace blocks it with the X-Division Title and cracks him over the head with it. Ace breaks Kenny the kendo stick over his knee. Ace loads his fist with a piece of steel and clobbers Eddie, then hits a super Fold through a table to win.

My Opinion: 3.4 out of 5 – This looked like Black Friday at the Mall Of America if the mother’s fighting over the LEGO Avengers were Brandon Lee and Dr. Demento. Picture that, you lilly-livered Danny DeVito. This had the spots these matches normally have and they were wonderfully performed. Like a Jolly Rancher in a Furbee-tank, this match made me happy to not volunteering at the local animal shelter. In the name of Edgar Winter, this match was my “Free Ride”, to fun! Oh…piss off. That’s a good joke. Edgar Winter…he looked like a corpse by way of Estee Lauder! Weeeeeeeeee!!! Over-all, this was a mean way to make some money.

Match #5: (Main Event) Sami Callihan def. Brian Cage – Steel Cage Match For The Impact World Championship

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

Before the match even begins, Sami kicks the cage door into the face of Brian. Sami locks him out of the cage but Brian lunges up the wall, over the top and into the ring to start the match. Sami hits Brian over the head with his baseball bat, busting him open in the process. Sami connects with a huge clothesline for a very close two count. Sami hits his signature Cactus Special Piledriver but Brian kicks out at one. Sami hits repeated strikes, followed by three Cactus Special Piledrivers but Brian somehow kicks out at two. Brian hits an Alabama Slam, followed by a massive discus clothesline for a near fall of his own. Sami connects with a vicious Piledriver off the top to win the match and become new IMPACT World Champion.

My Opinion: 3.8 out of 5 – This was a good, old-fashioned Steel Cage Match from two guys who really put their back into it here. Sami made for a very convincing winner here. Cage can still be a great World Champion, but the circumstances being what they were made it very easy to give Sami his shot. Expect a little bit of every-thing, but relish the intelligence in each move. I sound like a f—–g dink when I talk like that. There wasn’t anything here to complain about, so I won’t make-up anything either. Gordon Lightfoot would, though. Don’t trust that Apache piss-ant…he’ll lick your butter. I miss Eddie Money and this match was just what the doctor ordered.

News Of The Night:

1. Su Yung is normal now and called “Suzie”.
2. Rhino fight Rob Van Dam at Turning Point.
3. Michael Elgin fights Fallah Bahh, next week.
4. Moose is trying to become the next Mr. Perfect.
5. Ken Shamrock fights Joey Ryan, next week.
6. Ken Shamrock is now a regular member of the roster.
7. Moose fights Willie Mack, next week.
8. Alisha Edwards goes out on a date with Ace Austin, next week.
9. Tessa Blanchard is being teased as Sami Callihan’s next challenger for the Impact World Title.

Final Verdict: 3.5/5

This was a pretty good show with a great main event. Having Shamrock around is a good decision, along with Ryan being here to add his wild way of wrestling. Tessa should be the World Champion soon enough, if this show was any indication.