13th Oct2019

‘NXT UK’ Review (Oct 10th 2019)

by Nathan Favel

Welcome to this week’s NXT UK review, right here on Nerdly. I’m Nathan Favel and we have the WWE’s rip-off version of Progress/OTT/World Of Sport (the good version)/Insane Championship Wrestling (if you squint real hard) stumbling along helplessly like Mark Wahlberg in San Francisco’s “Rainbow District”. We’ve got enough of very little to talk about, so get your coconut soup boiling hot, because NXT UK is ready for bowling, whether you are or not. God, that sucked ass. I need to get that new keyboard so I can use a delete button on these lame sentences…

NXT-uk-large

Match #1: The Hunt def. Pretty Deadly

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

The Hunt was on as Wild Boar & Primate conquered Pretty Deadly in NXT UK’s opening match with a monstrous double headbutt off the top rope.

My Opinion: 2.3 out of 5 – This was like watching a plate of mashed potatoes sue a cook for killing and maiming its people. Oh, you think that joke sucked? Well…no $#!@ Sherlock. Nerdly found me rolling around in a dumpster and had me start watching/reviewing wrestling. That’s also where John Madden came from. Brett Favre! This wasn’t a very exciting match. I can’t sell you much of a bill of goods if there aren’t many goods to buy. I gotta quit trying to use metaphors for these reviews. The handbook has them all in Latin…Pig Latin. On’tday utpay ouryay ggseay niay neoay asketbay. Like Hot Butter’s hit song “Popcorn”, this show was fit to do only one thing before dying a horrible death at the end of the 1970s, which is end abruptly after going too long for a short amount of time.

Match #2: Jordan Devlin def. Jack Starz

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

Jordan Devlin racked up another strong victory when he left Jack seeing Starz with the help of the Devil Side suplex.

My Opinion: 2.8 out of 5 – Devlin was good. Starz pissed me off when it cancelled “Ash vs. The Evil Dead”, so I’m glad he lost…bastard. Like Eric Carmen, seeing this match made me feel like I’m “Never Gonna Fall In Love Again”, because it almost blew ass. So, Devlin is good and Starz cancelled “Ash vs. The Evil Dead”…bastard.

Match #3: Dave Mastiff def. Kenny Williams

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

On the heels of his confrontation with Devlin, Dave Mastiff engaged Kenny Williams. And though his opponent carries the name The Lucky Yin, he would not prove fortunate in this outing. Although Williams fought back with a great deal of heart after an ankle injury, Bomber crushed his hopes for victory with the devastating Into the Void.

My Opinion: 2.4 out of 5 – Mastiff ate Kenny like Doritos in a horny nuns’ convent on a summer night in July. The match wasn’t much, but at least The Exorcist 2 was the best movie ever made. Nobody really gave a bad performance (un-like Citizen Kane…Pauline Kael is always right/full of $#!@), but the match just didn’t really do much in the grand scheme of things.

Match #4: (Main Event) Piper Niven def. Jazzy Gabert

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

In the wake of her victory over Isla Dawn last week, Piper Niven suffered a sneak attack at the hands of Jazzy Gabert and Jinny during a backstage interview. In response, the dominant competitor was focused on payback against The Fashionista’s right-hand enforcer when she went one-on-one with Gabert in today’s NXT UK main event. When Jinny got involved in the action one time too many, Niven responded with a vicious headbutt to The Fashionista. With the refereed preoccupied by getting the meddling Superstar out of the ring, Rhea Ripley suddenly came out of nowhere and took out Gabert at ringside to pave the way for a Niven victory.

My Opinion: 2.9 out of 5 – This was a decent match that got somewhere near the end, but that’s about it. The Poppy Family once asked “Where You Goin’ Billy?” and he responded “Kiss my ass! That’s where!” I have no idea what that has to do with the review, but it’s more interesting than this match, so it stays. Like the divorcee said to his wife “I’m divorcing you for someone who’s less of a pain in the ass than you.” That’s how I feel about this match. I’m divorcing this main event, but I get to keep the house and the kids and the iguana. My iguana…mine! Okay, I’m getting too weird. This match was okay…and the iguana is mine!

News Of The Night:

  1. Rhea Ripley and Jazzy Gabert are still feuding.
  2. Mark Andrews & Flash Morgan Webster will defend the NXT UK Tag Team Championships against Gallus (Mark Coffey & Wolfgang), next week.
  3. Jordan Devlin and Dave Mastiff are feuding.
  4. Imperium and The Hunt are feuding, thanks to a brawl at the show’s top that started because Imperium feels insulted by The Hunt’s…what-ever.

Final Verdict: 2/5

This was a dull show that didn’t do much for a long time.

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