Rewind: ‘Hawk the Slayer’ Review
I once punched a man, for saying that Hawk the Slayer is Rubbish.
– Bilbo Bagshot, Spaced.
Sometimes, old fantasy films had a brilliant idea, but they were just dragged down by lofty ambitions and meagre resources.
Hawk the Slayer is not one of those films. Hawk the Slayer was a cynical, albeit failed, cash grab that stole liberally from a number of better films (Star Wars) in order to make a surprise financial smash hit. Hawk the Slayer was never to be that. But it is tremendously fun to watch today (albeit not for the reasons the filmmaker intended).
The problems with Hawk the Slayer are numerous and all-consuming. The film was clearly made quickly, with little thought into big decisions. Most of the budget went on hiring Jack Palance as the baddie. This created more problems than it solved. First, he was far too old for his character. At the beginning, he murders his “father” in defiance of his “brother”. Two elderly men, and a man in his twenties/thirties make for a confusing, rather than heart-rending scene. Palance is also in terrible form. I am not sure what the director told him, but he yells every line, all the time. IT IS NOT VERY GOOD.
During production, I suspect they realised that using the Darth Vader-style helmet they had designed would mean we wouldn’t even know it was Jack Palance, and they had wasted their money. They obviously made modifications, giving him a “half helmet” which makes little sense from a fighting perspective, but allows us to see our gurning lunatic Jack Palance, oh, I am sorry, I mean Voltan.
John Terry plays “Hawk”, the hero, and brother to Voltan. John Terry is the opposite of Jack Palance. He is supposed to be quiet and stoic, but really both leads are as bad as the other, just for opposite reasons. John Terry has absolutely no charisma. Perhaps the juxtaposition between the raving Voltan and the Spartan Hawk was deliberate. My guess is Jack Palance was “accidentally taking too many of his meds”.
The plot is both light and slow. Hawk the Slayer is short, but it massively drags. We have the same piece of copse with a 1980s disco smoke machine doing its best to hide the reality that we are likely filming on the edge of an industrial estate. We also repeat the scene of goodies or baddies breaking into a convent unexpectedly, multiple times. It also proves the location of our final encounter. Hold your breath, Dear Reader. Did someone say “slow motion fight scene”? Epic.
Our band of goodies makes some vague attempt at banter. It was about halfway through the film that I realised the slightly below average height one was actually “the dwarf” and the slightly above average height one was “the giant”. The elf was doing his best Hawk impression. Staring at things, blankly and possibly missing half his lines. We have a brilliant elf archer effect. The actor fires his blow once, and we reply that, so the elf fires 5 arrows a second. It looks hilarious.
William Morgan Sheppard (a good actor) is here, but doesn’t have enough to do, and it’s a real shame.
The plot holes, the scenes seeming to repeat themselves to pad the short run time and the hilarious effects and frequently inexplicable acting mean you are. I think it really comes down to the director not knowing what he was doing, and the producers not caring if the end product was actually a good film; they just wanted to make a load of money. They did not make a load of money. Nor did they deserve to.
Watch this alone, and turn it off after 10 minutes, but watch Hawk the Slayer with some good friends, in the mood for a chuckle, and your personal rifftrax will write itself.
