‘St. Patrick’s Day Massacre’ Review
Stars: Marta Svetek, Ayvianna Snow, Charlie Bond, Ciaron Davies, Annabella Rich, Ben Manning, Ray Whelan, Jasmine Sumner | Written and Directed by Steve Lawson
On a trip to Dublin to celebrate St. Patrick’s Day, four friends agree to spend the night in an abandoned tavern, where they are stalked by an undead killer in search of revenge for a tragedy that occurred centuries before
In the rich vein of holiday-themed slashers, dating back to the original Halloween (John Carpenter, 1978), through to more modern fare, as bloodily illustrated by Eli Roth in, Thanksgiving (2023), we have a new entry in killer days, with, St Patrick’s Day Massacre, directed by Steve Lawson ( ).
A rich tale, with compelling characters and a real reflection of modern-day Ireland…this is not. Being of Irish descent and a huge fan of the stalk and slash format, I can stomach, tolerate and happily consume many a substandard Friday the 13th rip-off. Given its eye-catching title, I didn’t think I could go wrong with something as blatantly obvious as Irish stereotypes being carved up by (presumably!) a Guinness drinking, Leprechaun-mask wearing homicidal maniac…alas, St Patrick’s Day Massacre fails to deliver said madness.
Our prologue, set in puritanical, rural Ireland, in days of old, sees our antagonist, Darragh O’Donohue, searching for his errant daughter in a local inn. Upon discovering his offspring being less than innocent in the bed of one of the locals, Darragh goes mad with a scythe, and in the ensuing skirmish, is killed at the hands of the Inn’s patrons.
Cut to present day, where, on the advice of a really dodgy local lad, four friends, looking to recapture the good times of their youth, head to a familiar Inn, now dilapidated and resembling a crack den, rather than a charming Irish public house. Cue spooky goings on, and the return of the undead, vengeful corpse of old Darragh and ensuing carnage.
Our sketchily drawn protagonists, Daisy (the sultry one), Kendra (the germaphobe), Sian (the gender studies student) and Leana (the American one with an interest in history), proceed to make bad choices and get picked off one by one – upon exclaiming that “it’s too late to get a taxi”, you’ll find yourself screaming at the screen extolling the virtues of a thing called Uber!! It’s this kind of stupidity that leads our heroic foursome deciding to stay the night at The Death Pub of Doom.
It’s a good 45 minutes before our undead host makes an appearance, and you’ll be hoping for blood to be spilt, bad decisions to be punished and a general change in tempo for this (so far) lethargic St Paddy’s Day. You’ll wish you stayed at home (or chose something else to watch)
As bad decisions escalate, random scythes and pistols are found, and our killer ambles around with a green-hued, killer-vision POV, your intelligence will be insulted, your patience tested and incredulity will be the common thread linking this nonsense together.
Our victims (characters would be an insult) play everything straight, without a dose of humour. Direction is pedestrian and the script delivers nothing engaging, scary or dramatic. Of course, all could be saved, if the promised bloodbath, delivers an abundance of slashing and claret-soaked delirium – it doesn’t. To be fair, to the film, the facial prosthetics and wound/injury make-up is okay, but once again, the FX team are served poorly by a cheap budget and creative-less “kills”.
I wanted to like St Patrick’s Day Massacre. I really didn’t.
Like a poorly poured pint of Guinness, you end up eyeballing the bar staff with a look of, “what the f**k, is that”…
- Watch this if… You’re drunk, after the pub, on The Horror Channel.
- Avoid this if… Like me, you think that title implies a good time.
High Fliers are set to release St Patrick’s Day Massacre on March 10th 2025.
