‘AEW: Rampage’ Review (Oct 1st 2021)

Welcome to this week’s AEW: Rampage review, right here on Nerdly. I’m Nathan Favel and… Jim Cornette: I hate you! Me: He’s here. Jim: F–k you! Me: No. Jim Herd: Not so fast! Me: Ah! Janet Reno! Vince Russo: Hey bro! I’m the man bro! Jim: F–k you s–t-stain! Kenny Omega: I’m the best wrestler ever! Jim: F–k off! Jim H: He will point his finger and you’ll be finger-banged in the fourth dimension! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! BANG! Me: I just gun-banged ya. How does that suit ya’ll? Vince: Bro. BANG! Me: Looks like the Shaggy Dog if it was a sex crook. Kenny: I’m the greatest! BANG! Jim: Good going buddy! I love you! BANG! Me: It’s my review, you pig-nosed trailer-boy! Rampage starts now…and you won’t live to see it! BANG!

Match #1: Bryan Danielson def. Nick Jackson

The following is courtesy of allelitewrestling.com:

Nick Jackson backpaddled away from Danielson at the start of the match. Jackson grabbed Danielson with a side headlock takedown. Nick flipped out of the ring to avoid a kick from Bryan Danielson but Danielson surprised him with a tope suicida. Bryan followed up with a shotgun dropkick! Danielson captured Nick’s legs and placed him in a dragon sleeper! Nick gouged Bryan’s eyes to escape! Jackson sent Bryan for a loop with a massive lariat! Bryan came back with a butterfly suplex into a cross arm breaker! Danielson dropped Nick Jackson back with a hard suplex. Bryan worked over Nick Jackson with a very painful hammerlock. Nick Jackson exploded out of the corner, narrowly avoiding a charging Danielson! Matt Jackson speared Bryan Danielson outside the ring! Nick crashed down with a double axe handle onto Bryan. Nick Jackson smashed Bryan’s face into the mat with a running bulldog. Nick Jackson began kicking Danielson but Danielson shrugged it off, leaning into the contact. Danielson spat at Nick Jackson and nailed him with a chop and kick combo! Danielson got caught with two superkicks from Nick Jackson! Jackson tried for the 450 splash but Danielson countered with the LeBell Lock! Jackson touched the bottom rope to force the ref to break the hold. Nick Jackson rallied back with a German Suplex on the ring apron! Nick Jackson tried to punt kick Danielson but Danielson ducked and the kick connected with Cutler instead! Bryan grabbed Nick with a Tiger Suplex! Danielson locked in the Cattle Mutilation and forced Nick Jackson to tap out! “Wow, very impressive victory for Danielson,” said Taz.

The Verdict: 8 out of 10

Match #2: Jade Cargill (with “Smart” Mark Sterling) def. Nyla Rose (with Vickie Guerrero) and Thunder Rosa – Three Way Dance Match

The following is courtesy of allelitewrestling.com:

Thunder Rosa connected with a high roundhouse kick to Nyla Rose. They began trading chops. Nyla Rose caught Thunder Rosa midflight and slammed her down. Jade and Nyla had a slugfest! Jade blasted Nyla with a pump kick! Thunder Rosa took down Jade with a shotgun dropkick! Jade Cargill brought a garbage can into the ring but Thunder Rosa used it against Jade, driving it into Jade’s face! Jade smashed Nyla with a spinebuster! Nyla hit back with a nasty neck breaker on Jade! Nyla grabbed a single leg crab on Jade but Thunder Rose ran into Nyla with a quick kick! Nyla grabbed Thunder Rosa and was about to powerbomb her off the apron through a table. Thunder Rosa fought back and powerbombed “The Native Beast” right though that table! “Smart” Mark Sterling handed a steel chair to Jade and she began to decimate Thunder Rosa with it, whacking her repeatedly! Jade pinned Thunder Rosa after the chair assault!

The Verdict: 4 out of 10

Match #3: (Main Event) Orange Cassidy def. Jack Evans – Hair vs. Hair Match

The following is courtesy of allelitewrestling.com:

Matt Hardy tried to distract Orange so Evans could roll up O.C. for a near fall. Orange put his hands in his pockets and then used a backslide for a near fall on Jack Evans! Orange Cassidy swung Jack Evans around by the ponytail! Matt Hardy pulled Orange out of the ring by the legs and slugged him. Jack Evans nailed Orange with a massive corkscrew kick and then followed up with a 450 splash! Orange Cassidy was fired up and flew out of the ring at Matt Hardy and then at Jack Evans! Back in the ring, Orange tried for a crossbody but Jack Evans had it scouted! Evans flipped through with a Northern Lights suplex for a near fall! Evans hit a standing sky twister for another near fall on Orange Cassidy! Jack attempted the sky twister press off the top rope but Orange rolled out of the way. Cassidy spiked Evans with a DDT! Cassidy connected with a diving DDT for a near fall! The Blade, the Butcher, and The Bunny walked down the ramp! Chuck Taylor, Wheeler Yuta, and Kris Statlander were there to back up Orange Cassidy! The Dark Order also came out and formed a human wall in front of the ring! Orange Cassidy pulped Jack Evans with the Orange Punch and pinned Jack Evans! Matt Hardy ordered the HFO to retreat! Orange Cassidy chopped off Jack Evans’ hair! -1 got in the ring and celebrated with Best Friends and the Dark Order!

The Verdict: 4 out of 10

Final Verdict: 6/10

The opening match is all you need to see. With that sentiment now stated, I bring you a special guest to give us the entire review: Steely Dan! Steely Dan: The show started! Superstar man came down to the ring! Little hairy teen girl shakin’ in her panties! USA Lizard attacked! Sissy-wussy in his boots shook! Big ol’ Bryan went on the attack again! Everybody cheered and jumped! ‘Cuz ol’ Nicky gonna get his lumps! Ohhhhh lord! Niiiiiiicky Jackson won’t dooooo!!!!! ‘Cuz Bryan don’t take it easy when fightinnnnn’ fooooooools! BANG! Me: Okay. That’s enough of the vibrator band. That’s where they got their name, by the way. They were looking through a rubber c–k catalogue and saw a metal vibrator called “Steely Dan” and thought that would be a great band name. Isn’t that right gu…oh…right.

Bryan carried Nick through the parts he usually doesn’t do in his matches…like the wrestling parts. Nick can wrestle, but he has his brother Matt Hardy-ing him all the damn time, so you never really see it. I think Bryan kinda got the wheels turnin’ in there for ol’ Nick here. Bryan kept on him and didn’t let-up, which made the eventual Nick Jackson offensive comeback actually mean something. Bryan has done more wrestling in his two AEW matches than in an entire decade in the WWE. I’m not even joking there. Bryan has got to be feeling like he made the right decision at this point. Bryan and Nick matched up well in a real winner of an opener. From there, we have the Three Way Dance, which had some ballsy spots and that’s what got the match any score above a 2 in the first place. Rosa shoulda won, but Jade is the pet-project, so what did I expect? As for the main event…Mr. Minute Maid. What does Orange Juice have on Tony that he is still employed? I wanna like Orange Cassidy, but he just puts no effort into anything but the dumb comedy. He can wrestle and could get over as a cool underdog, but he just won’t. Is Tony booking him to not try? I really do wanna know. Get rid of the kicking the shins thing and cut promos where you actually care about what happens to some degree and I could get some hope back. Jack Evans, who is spinning his wheels so hard that the rims are all shredded, came out here and took it easy. This was not a match where great wrestling was had. This was a PR stunt that is designed to get on the most trivial part of the morning news broadcasts. I never see the Hair matches make it very far in the public forum these days. What was the point of making this for hair? I get Matt Hardy has been wanting to shave Orange bald, but why shave him? OC has short hair. Wouldn’t it be better to force him to wear women’s pants so he can’t slip his hands in the pockets anymore? Actually, Orange could wear those pants. Well, I say you watch that opener and do what you like with the rest. I’ll see you later.