08th Sep2021

‘AEW: Rampage’ Review #2 (Sept 3rd 2021)

by Nathan Favel

Welcome to this week’s AEW: Rampage review, right here on Nerdly. I’m Nathan Favel and three matches comprise this last show before All Out. I’m all out of jokes, so let’s…look at those hooters! They’re f–kin’ huge! Hooters: Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Me: That’s right! Look at those bigguns! Rampage starts now!

[Author’s Note: Darby Allin, who’s been accused of rape and coercion and found neither guilty or innocent in a court of law, is on this show and if that uspets or alarms you, then viewer discretion is advised].

Match #1: Malakai Black def. Lee Johnson

The following is courtesty of allelitewrestling.com:

Black stalked Lee into the corner, but “Big Shotty” put on a side headlock. Black escaped and went back on the hunt. Lee clocked Black with an elbow to the head, and this greatly angered Black. Malakai Black stopped Lee Johnson in his tracks with a European uppercut, and then a back elbow. Johnson rallied back, showing heart with a beautiful dropkick and a tope suicida! Johnson connected with a frog splash but didn’t go for the cover. He paid the price, as Black got up and punted Johnson in the face! Black used a striking combination to the body of Johnson in the corner. Black went outside and pulled a chair from underneath the ring. Ref Rick Knox warned Black not to use the chair or he’d be disqualified. Black handed the chair to Lee and dared him to use it. He turned his back to Johnson, who tried to stand up. As Johnson staggered to his feet, Black blasted him with a roundhouse kick and pinned him for the victory!

The Verdict: 3 out of 10 – Not much happened here, but it was all about Black crushing Lee anyway. Lee was the body on the altar and Black made sure the sacrifice was worth having made to him. If you like watching Black kick people, then watch this.

Match #2: Kris Statlander def. Jaime Hayter & Rebel

The following is courtesty of allelitewrestling.com:

Kris and Jamie locked up, jockeying for position in the ring. Hayter finally got a side headlock, and then she rammed Kris into the turnbuckle. Rebel and Hayter used quick tags, double-teaming Kris. Rebel picked up Kris in a vertical suplex position and then hurled her to the mat. Statlander had enough of this and delivered running forearms to Rebel and Jamie. Statlander used a senton splash for a near fall on Rebel! Rebel splashed Kris in the corner. She tried for a second splash but Kris dodged it. Kris kicked Rebel in the face. She applied a spider-crab submission and made Rebel tap out! Baker and Hayter watched on from outside the ring. Statlander was cornered by Baker, Hayter, and Rebel, until Red Velvet ran down to offer her support to Statlander!

The Verdict: 5 out of 10 – This was a waste of Hayter and not much of a way to push Kris. Rebel, which was cancelled after one season due to Kelly Bundy not taking her top off, took some bumps and Kris got a fall because, as Britt Baker would put it, Kris Statlander being an alien is a crock of s–t.

Match #3: Darby Allin def. Daniel Garcia

The following is courtesty of allelitewrestling.com:

CM Punk was on commentary for this match. Darby made his entrance and stared down Punk. Garcia and Darby traded strikes at the start of the match. They brawled outside the ring. Darby charged after Garcia, launching himself, but he crashed and burned against the guardrail! “Red Death” capitalized and rammed Darby into the metal ring steps! Sting dispatched of 2point0 outside the ring! Back in the ring, Darby managed to secure an armbar on Garcia. Darby climbed to the top turnbuckle but had his legs swept out by Garcia. Wasting no time, Garcia superplexed Darby for a near fall. Darby ran into Garcia in the corner, but Garcia hoisted him up with a rear choke! Darby was fading. Darby climbed up the turnbuckles with Garcia still on his back. Darby broke the submission hold by dropping back off the turnbuckles onto the mat! Darby used the Pepsi Twist on Garcia and Punk applauded him from the commentary booth. Darby got a near fall after a Code Red on Garcia. Darby twisted up Garcia’s legs and pinned him! 2point0 took the boots to Darby after the match! Punk walked down to the ring. As Punk cornered both members of 2point0, Darby rocketed out of the ring with a tope suicida right into 2point0! Darby got to his feet and he and Punk got nose to nose and had a stare down!

The Verdict: 7 out of 10 – Darby Irished-up this match as Garcia…was there. You get lots of grappling and cliching here, which is how Butch Patrick used to make money in hotel rooms in the 1980s. This was a relentless contest that didn’t waste time in getting you invested in who would be able to get the better of the other. Sonny and Cher: You don’t know what happened here, because you didn’t watch the match!!!!! Me: What the f–k are you talking about? Sunday! Monday! Happy Days! Tuesday! Wednesday! Happy Days! Thursday! Friday! There’s only one thing to do….Saturday! Also, if you’re looking for a main event with a freaky spirit and a big star winning, then this is a good one for you.

Final Verdict: 6/10

This was a simple and easy show to watch. The matches went by quickly and there was nothing offensive or feeble. What the hell am I saying? It was fun. I hope there are more ambitious plans in mind for Rampage in the future, but these low-risk shows are not the worst thing I’ve ever seen. Okay. I’ll see you next time.

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