16th Jun2021

WWE Raw – Jun 14th 2021: Results & Review

by Nathan Favel

Welcome to this week’s Monday Night Raw review, right here on Nerdly. I’m Nathan Favel and… Lois Griffin: What the hell happened? Chris! Chris Griffin: I found it and it moved and it blinked and it called me fat and I kissed it and I… Stevie Griffin: My time machine! You bloated oaf! I should smash you over the head like Joe Kennedy did with his niece! (cut-away) Joe Kennedy: You can’t marry that boy! He’s an idiot, just like you! Joe’s Niece: Mary had a little lamb! It’s name was… WHAM! JK: That counts as a lobotomy. (done) Meg Griffin: What the hell?! I was shaving my asshole! I had a date with that pickle in the fridge! SG: Ew! Peter Griffin: Gross! We’re in some loser’s house. Me: Hey! I’m trying to record a wrestling review! PG: Wrestling sucks. Brian Griffin: Hey! What the hell? I was gnawing at my crotch a second ago… What happened? SG: Well, Magilla Gorilla over there found my time machine and activated it. CG: I like bananas! SG: Strange, we don’t seem to be very far in the future. Why would it put us here of all places? BG: I don’t know, but you better figure it out before Chris does his blind William Tell impression. CG: I shoot people with my eyes closed! Catherine Zeta Jones: Whoa! Whoa! Holy s–t asshole! What the f–k are you…BANG! CG: …and boom goes the dynamite! PG: This isn’t awesome…not awesome at all…not like when I raped Meg! (cut-away) PG: Ehhhh ehhhh!!!!! I’m gonna do ya! MG: Ahhhhhhh!!!!! (done) MG: You son of a bitch! I…wait…that never happened. PG: Yeah! That’s awful! I’d never nail Meg! PLXPLXPLXPLX!!!!! CG: Ha ha! Meg! PG: PLXPLXPLXPLX!!!!! CG: Meg! PG: PLXPLXPLXPLX!!!!! LG: We’ve gotta find a way home! SG: Well bitch, need to locate a transmographier to replace the fried one that’s been left in the machine. Let me check for where one might be. LG: Okay. How much grass did I smoke to think my baby just talked…and called me a bitch?! CG: Ha ha ha! Bitch! LG: Cram it lard-ass! Oh my God! Chris, I’m sorry! CG: Copa…copacabana!!!!! SG: I found one…in Hollywood! PG: I can’t go back there! I did something I was supposed to! (cut-away) Announcer: The Tonight Show, starring Jimmy Fallon! (done) BG: What’s with the personality swings? Everyone is too aggressive right now. Do you think that this time period is the problem? SG: Maybe. We still need to go to Hollywood to get that part. There’s only one and he doesn’t want to mail it. He says that’s too dangerous. PG: Well, if it gets us back home in time for KISS Goes Skiing then I’m happy. (cut-away) Gene Simmons: I threw a ball. Also, I was accused of sexual assault. Paul Stanley: I play the guitar! (done) Me: Wait. I’ll go with you. I can drive you. I’ll record my review as we go! SG: …or we could kill you. Me: Then it’s settled! Let’s start the review!

[Author’s Note: Riddle, a wrestler accused of rape and found neither guilty or innocent in a court of law, is on this show and if that alarms or upsets you, then viewer discretion is advised].

Match #1: Nikki Cross def. Charlotte Flair

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

After Nikki Cross pinned Raw Women’s Champion Rhea Ripley last week to keep her three-week winning streak alive, the presence of The Nightmare at ringside seemed to distract Flair enough for her vivacious opponent to pick up a count-out victory over The Queen and take away the humiliated Superstar’s momentum heading into the Raw Women’s Title Match against Ripley at WWE Hell in a Cell.

The Verdict: 6 out of 10 – These two worked hard for a shorter match. Cross took the beating and Flair delivered it like a pro. It’s a shame about the ending, but at least it got Cross over as clever. PG: We’re in a car! BG: Are we going to the park?! CG: I’ve got titties! Me: Next match.

Match #2: John Morrison def. Jeff Hardy

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

As The Miz continued to recuperate from his leg injury, John Morrison continued to fly solo and picked up the win over Jeff Hardy with Starship Pain as Cedric Alexander looked on at ringside.

The Verdict: 5 out of 10 – For two minutes, these guys got away with murder. Morrison in particular was incredibly athletic here. Sadly, the match ended before it could really explode. LG: Explode? What kind of a description is that? MG: You can explode in me anytime. PG: HAHAHAHAEWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!

Match #3: Jeff Hardy def. Cedric Alexander

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

Moments after Jeff Hardy’s match against John Morrison, Cedric Alexander took to the mic to complain that he was being disrespected. As a result, a war-torn Hardy agreed to a second, impromptu match against the angry Superstar and promised to retire if he lost. The guts of The Charismatic Enigma paid off as he conquered Cedric with the Swanton Bomb.

The Verdict: 4 out of 10 – For what was pushed as a last-second retirement match, this was too brief. These guys tried, but when time is not your ally, how can you hope for success? CG: Rocky Balboa wore tutu! (cut-away) Rocky: I gonna dance! Mick: He’s a dancin’ machine! (done) Me: Stop doing that!

Match #4: Piper Niven def. Naomi

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

After weeks of teasing her return, the in-ring match of the beautiful and charismatic Eva Marie was delayed even further when she allowed her mysterious cohort to replace her in the matchup, a simply dominant force that overcame the glow with The Michinoku Driver.

The Verdict: 3 out of 10 – For a squash, this was fun. PG: I’d like to squash Jessica Alba with my ass. Me: Next match! Oh God next match!

Match #5: RK-Bro def. The New Day

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

After weeks of butting heads, RK-Bro emerged victorious in a grueling tag team matchup against The New Day that took all four Superstars to the limit after Randy Orton overcame Xavier Woods with the RKO.

The Verdict: 8 out of 10 – Now this was great. Going around twenty minutes gave this high-octane slug-fest enough room to rip through the pavement as it erupted towards the finish line. You get the action that you want and you get it at a pace that borderlines on PPV speed. Who woulda thought that this would get the time to shine? LG: I’m gonna bang the black guys! PG: Me too! Heheheheh! Me: These two teams really have some chemistry together. Maybe this feud will end-up as something really special. CG: I’m special! MG: You ain’t kiddin’.

Match #6: Rhea Ripley def. Asuka

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

After costing Charlotte Flair her match against Nikki Cross earlier in the night, Raw Women’s Champion Rhea Ripley overcame Asuka going into WWE Hell in a Cell. In the aftermath, however, The Nightmare found herself in an absolutely chaotic post-match brawl with The Queen.

The Verdict: 7 out of 10 – Another excellent match that really delivered in a decent amount of time. Rhea and Asuka clobbered each other like a prison block prom night gone wrong. It’s a shame that Asuka has been marginalized since losing the strap. I’d be very hesitant to cast aside so talented a wrestler just because I have another younger one on my mind. Quagmire: Giggity Giggity! Why not screw both? Giggity Giggity Goo! PG: Hey buddy! Whatchu doin’ in the car? Q: Just stoppin’ by to stare at Lois’s rack. Cleveland: I’m here too! I got some Lays potato chips! Joe’s outside on a rope tied to the bumper! Joe: Ahhhhhhh!!!!!! Somebody stop the f–kin’ car! Ahhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!

Match #7: Alexa Bliss def. Nia Jax (DQ)

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

During her matchup against her one-time friend Nia Jax, Alexa Bliss became irate when Reginald suddenly dared to step up on the apron. Fueled with fury, Little Miss Bliss hit Nia with Twisted Bliss. Before she could get the pin, though, Reggie suddenly pulled her off Jax and brought about an end of the contest by disqualification. After the match, Bliss seemed to almost hypnotize Reginald, revealing another layer to her frightening power.

The Verdict: 4 out of 10 – This was getting somewhere when the booking went all to s–t. Just let people wrestle… BG: …with their sexuality? Stewie, this guy’s talking about you. SG: Blast! BG: …up your butt. Yeah, I figured as much. Me: Bliss sold well and Jax was not at her worst.

Match #8: Jaxson Ryker def. Elias

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

Once again, Elias opted walk away from his matchup against his unrelenting former cohort Jaxson Ryker and take the loss by count-out.

The Verdict: 2 out of 10 – Not much happened here and it all ended to quickly and by lame means. MG: Lay me? ‘Bout time. LG: Meg, don’t pull your pants dow…wait…you have a penis?! PG: Meg’s a wang ranger?! MG: Doesn’t everyone have both! Mrs. Garrett: Nooooo!!!!!!!

Match #9: Drew McIntyre def. AJ Styles (DQ)

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

When AJ Styles’ own personal colossus Omos interfered in Drew McIntyre’s matchup against The Phenomenal One, both WWE Champion Bobby Lashley and The Viking Raiders came down to ringside for a closer look. McIntyre beat The All Mighty to the punch and laid out the WWE Champion outside the ring. Moments later, Lashley charged in and retaliated to bring an end to the match. In response, The Viking Raiders stepped through the ropes and sent the titleholder out of the ring. As a result, WWE officials opted to restart the action as a Six-Man Tag Team Match.

The Verdict: 7 out of 10 – These guys had another good match. For a bout with a screwy finish, this about as good as you can get without getting great. Bernie Mac: This is some bull-s–t! PG: Heheheheh! Forest Whitaker! Me: Drew and AJ have the chemistry to continue the feud. I wonder if these two are slated to wrestle each other into the summer? This match… CG: Uh oh! Spaghettios! LG: The car is being… Everybody: Ahhhhhhh!!!!!

Match #10: (Main Event) Drew McIntyre/Viking Raiders def. AJ Styles/Omos/Bobby Lashley

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

The Phenomenal One attempted to tag in Omos and accidently tagged Lashley. The unexpected move momentarily threw the titleholder off his game. And when he turned around, he ran right into McIntyre’s Claymore Kick. Seconds later, The Scottish Superstar pinned The All Mighty to earn an incredible win heading into WWE Hell in a Cell this Sunday!

The Verdict: 7 out of 10 – PG: Where the hell are we? SG: We’ve been transported to some lab…in Hollywood! The scanner says we’ve arrived at our destination! BG: Who the hell brought us here? Other Stewie: I did! Other Peter: You are in our lair! PG: Holy Crap! It’s Whoopi Goldberg! Other Lois: I’m a bitch! LG: Jesus! Do my breasts look like that? They’re all lopsided on her. MG: Maybe you should just not talk right now! Other Meg: I’m Ron! Other Brian: I’m an arrogant douche! SG: You might be an improvement over the original. BG: Hey! Me: What the hell is going on? OS: You have been brought here because they…are the real Family Guy! We are the unfunny ones! Around 2011, we commandeered the show from noted pussy Seth MacFarlane and turned into a show that only a Young Republican could enjoy. We have the only transmographier and we used it to bring you here in the first place…so we can destroy you! Other Chris: Robot Chicken! OS: We locked the original family away in a cosmic vacuum until we could devise a way to erase them from existence. Now, we have that way. I bring you… The Dip! Pulled from Who Framed Roger Rabbit, this chemical concoction will disintegrate our funnier counterparts forever! The money will be ours! Me: The main event was a brisk affair, with these people delivering a fine fight with ample action. It wasn’t altogether the most exciting thing I’ve ever seen, but it was something worth seeing once. Consider that this bout was one of those last minute things that was not announced and it was still solid all around. Sometimes, chaos can bring peace and this main event felt like that in spades. I was happy with this match as the main event, even if it was not the best match on the card. OS: Um…like…shut the eff up bro! SG: Did you just say like? Eff?! Bro?! Like, bro, what the deu…oh no! OS: The longer you are free to live in your reality, the more our evil personalities will merge and disappear into yours! Kill them now! OP: Gay joke! PG: You ruined those by doing them too much! Me: This is boring! I’m bored! OS: Oh s–t! Noooo!!!!!!!!! SG: You threw the acid on them! They’re dead! PG: Hey! Thanks buddy! Me: Family Guy is better when there’s a chicken fight!

Final Verdict: 7/10

This was a fun show that was weak in the first half but quite good in the second. A lot of the matches got time and delivered when they did. As a commercial for Hell In A Cell, this worked quite well as well. I had a food time. PG: Terrific. I’m glad everything worked out in the end and that it’s all back to normal. Giant Chicken: BAGAAAAAAAAH!!!!!! PG: You son of a bitch! CG: Get him dad! He’s finger-f–kin’-lickin’ good! Me: Well, that’s a wrap! See you next time on Family G…I mean Nerdly.

Off

Comments are closed.