12th Apr2021

‘AEW: Dynamite’ Review (Apr 7th 2021)

by Nathan Favel

Welcome to this week’s AEW: Dynamite review, right here on Nerdly. I’m Nathan Favel and we’ve got so many tig ol’ bitties that you can bounce ‘em off of your ass like Robin Williams feet from the ceiling he hung himself from. The Censor: You can’t say that! Me: F—k you. The Censor: You can’t say that either! Me: Why not you ass-blaster? The Censor: You could offend people! Me: There’s other people? The Censor: I…y…m…yes! Me: No s—t faygo? The Censor: Stop cursing! Me: F—k that! The Censor: No more cursing! Me: Ain’t nobody f—king said f—k mother-f—ker! Who the f—k would say f—k you f—kin’ dumb-f—k mother-f—ker? The Censor: Y…j…stop it! Me: Blow me. The Censor: Don’t you understand that what you say has an effect on those who read what you write? Me: People read this s—t? The Censor: Yes! Why would you even write this if you thought no one was reading?! Me: I like boobs. The Censor: What?! Me: Boobs. Titties. Magumbos. Yayas. Tatas. Yabbos. Bouncers. Boingers. Whammers. Slammers. Dunkin’ Donuts. The Censor: That’s enough! Me: Jesus. What crawled up your ass and came? The Censor: STOP….SAYING…THAT…S————T!!!!!!! Me: No cussing. The Censor: I…k…GAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!! Me: Well, maybe I’ll calm down a bit on wild statements. I mean…I’m not stopping altogether, but I’ll try to do it less. The Censor: W…okay! Okay! Me: I’m not taking any notes from you, but I will be more judicious in what I say. The Censor: W…thank you! Me: Yeah. In celebration of this restraint, I shall tell a joke about All Elite Wrestling. The Censor: Ummmm…okay! Me: Why did the chicken cross the road? The Censor: Ummmm…why? Me: …to get away from AEW’s messy booking. The Censor: Oh. Ah. He. Ho. Oooo. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!! That’s funny! Me: Not to AEW. They’ll find that very offensive. The Censor: Why? It had no cursing? Me: I insulted their show. The Censor: Well…then don’t do that! Don’t tell jokes like that! Me: It wasn’t a joke. That was a criticism. They do have lame booking and this league has become lazy. The Censor: Well… Me: I’m going to offend somebody at some point no matter what I say. While it’s a nice idea to try and not be vindictive, not offending people is essentially impossible, even if you only end-up offending one person instead of a million. I’d love to be everybody’s favorite, but that’s never gonna happen either. The Censor: So…what now? Me: I’ll try to not be so loose with my comments and you and your cohorts at Douche-Bag Inc. will just have to stuff it up your ass…like the rest of us. The Censor: I don’t know if that’s such an even deal. Me: What is? Also, I’ve got a boner right now and I’m pretty sure we’re near a school zone, so I should get the f—k out of here…not that the two are related of course. The Censor: You’re a weird man. Me: …a macho man. MACHO MACHO MACHO MAAAAAAAAAAN! I’VE GOT TO BE A MACHO MAN! NO SALAD! AEW: Dynamite starts now.

[Author’s Note: This review features Darby Allin, who was accused of rape in the past year. Darby Allin has not been proven guilty or innocent in a court of law. If the presence of Darby Allin alarms or offends you, then viewer discretion is advised].

Match #1: Adam Page def. Max Castor

The following is courtesy of allelitewrestling.com:

Bowens got dropped by Page’s big boot and the match was underway! Page stomped a mudhole into Caster in the corner. He suplexed Caster and tried to pin him but Caster kicked out at the one-count. Caster tried to fight his way back into things but Page punt-kicked “Platinum” Max. Page used a senton splash for a near fall on Caster. Caster pulled Page out of the ring, but Page countered by pushing Caster into the steel guardrail. Page, after dispatching of Bowens, jumped over the top rope and landed on Caster. Page clotheslined Caster, who had been propped up on the guardrail. As ref Rick Knox was distracted by Caster, Bowens rammed Page into the steel guardrail! And Caster went on the offensive back in the ring on “Hangman.” Page got his feet under him and dropped Caster after a couple of forearms and a spinebuster on the pine. Page followed up with an exploder for a near fall on Caster. Page was looking for the Dead Eye on the ring apron but Caster fought out. “Hangman” dropped Caster spine-first onto the ring apron. Bowens bought time for Caster by distracting Page. Caster jumped onto the top turnbuckle and dumped Page back onto the mat with a hard suplex. Caster jumped off the top rope with a springboard but Page countered. Bowens slid the boombox into the ring for Caster but Page grabbed it. Page used the Buckshot Lariat and pinned “Platinum” Max!

The Score: 6 out of 10

  • The Good: Page gave ol Castor that oil! Hoihoi! Max worked hard to do okay. They brought that stupid boombox with them. If it ain’t playing Seals and Croft then go slam the fish. Slam the fish! Page flew around that ring waist first like he was ready to cheat on his wife with six other men. I just wanted to tell you that. This had a lot of quick action from Page.
  • The Bad: This was kinda sloppy, like that Star Trek movie starring the entire cast of “Better Than Chocolate”. I’m not a f—king drag queen. You know what was a f—king drag queen? This match.
  • The Verdict: This was…okay.

Match #2: Jurassic Express def. Bear Country

The following is courtesy of allelitewrestling.com:

They wasted no time in getting down to business. Luchasarus took down Bronson! Jungle Boy jumped to the outside onto Boulder! Luchasaurus crashed onto Boulder and Bronson like a meteor falling from out of the sky. Jungle Boy jumped off the top rope but Boulder caught him. Luchasaurus tried for a crossbody to save his partner but Boulder was holding onto Jungle Boy so tightly that Luchasaurus bounced right off Boulder, who then smacked Jungle Boy straight down onto the mat! After getting worked over by Bear Country, Jungle Boy finally got the tag to Luchasaurus. Luchasaurus laid waste to Bear Country with pump kicks! Boulder superplexed Luchasaurus off the top rope and went for the cover. Jungle Boy jumped off the top to break the pin! Bear Country got the upper hand on Luchasaurus after some highly impressive tandem offense. Luchasaurus choke slammed Bronson and then finished him off with the standing moonsault for the pinfall victory.

The Score: 6 out of 10

  • The Good: Dinosaurs and bears fought each other like two white guys battling for the same pair of ripped jeans which cost twice as much AS THE F—KING NON-RIPPED ONES!!!!!! HOW F—KING STUPID DO YOU HAVE TO BE TO BUY RIPPED JEANS?!?!?!?!?!?! JUST BUY REGULAR ONES AT CHEAP PRICES AND RIP THEM YOURSELF!!!!!!!! F—K!!!!!!!! I liked the bears here. They were big ol f—kers and they didn’t take any of that lizard s—t. Jungle Boy has hair longer than his body is long. There’s lots of stunts and spots and moves and OH MY GOD THERE’S A BUNCH OF F—KING BEARS AND DINOSAURS IN THIS MATCH!!!!!!! AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! RUN! RUN YOU STUPID SONSABITCHES!!!!! RUN!
  • The Bad: BEARS AND DINOSAURS DON’T GO TOGETHER!
  • The Verdict: I…th…this match had bears and dinosaurs…I HATE THEM BOTH!!!!!!!

Match #3: Darby Allin def. JD Drake – TNT Title Match

The following is courtesy of allelitewrestling.com:

Drake chopped at Darby, sending the TNT champ reeling to the outside of the ring to collect his thoughts. Darby ran back into the ring and fired himself back out with a tope suicida! Nemeth approached Darby but Sting took out the trash! Nemeth ran from Sting and Sting stalked after him. Darby and Drake brawled on the outside. Drake picked up Darby, bounced him off the ropes, and met him with a vicious forearm. He tried to follow up with a cannonball senton but Darby dodged it! Darby, like a daredevil, jumped off the top to the outside, crashing onto Drake and Cezar Bononi. Back in the ring, Drake landed a cannonball on Darby Allin! He splashed him for a near fall on Darby. Drake attempted a moonsault press but Darby got out of the way, and Drake slammed down onto the mat! Darby followed up with an avalanche code red! Next came the Coffin Drop and Darby pinned J.D. Drake, retaining the TNT Championship!

The Score: 7 out of 10

  • The Good: JD worked hard to make it look like he could win. JD had a blank, stupid look on his face that I found enduring, bless his heart. He’s special. Da da da! Darby took a beating for a while and played the hero in peril as a result. JD was like a cannon-ball that crushed its target endlessly…like a rewindable cannon-ball! It’s a Senegalese miracle! Hanqchoy!
  • The Bad: This was a bit slow in the beginning and a bit weak at the end.
  • The Verdict: While one of the weaker TNT Title bouts, this was still worth watching.

Match #4: Tay Conti def. The Bunny

The following is courtesy of allelitewrestling.com:

Tay Conti hit the Bunny with strikes as the bell rang! Bunny retaliated but Conti countered with a devastating suplex on Bunny! The momentum was short-lived after Bunny suplexed Conti on the outside and then followed up with a shotgun dropkick! Tay Conti nailed Bunny with a backbreaker, back in the driver’s seat! Bunny fired back with a thrust kick! AEW Women’s Champion Hikaru Shida came out to cheer on Conti with Dark Order. “Big Money” Matt Hardy tried to distract Conti, but she had it figured out and used the Tay-K.O. on Bunny for a near fall. Bunny used a guillotine over the top rope on Tay Conti! On the outside, Bunny took a cheap shot on Shida! As things broke down on the outside between the Hardy Family Office and Dark Order, ref Aubrey Edwards turned her attention to the two opposing factions. Bunny grabbed Shida’s kendo stick and tried to climb to the top rope to attack Tay Conti. Shida grabbed Bunny’s leg and pulled the kendo stick away from her. This allowed enough time for Tay to get to her feet. Conti rocked Bunny with a forearm and then used a superplex. She pinned Bunny after a DD-Tay!

The Score: 6 out of 10

  • The Good: The former Allie finally got to show her wrestling skills again and they are still considerable. Tay was also very agile and spirited here. I felt like these two matched-up quite nicely.
  • The Bad: It ended too soon.
  • The Verdict: Hey! The Bunny got to wrestle. Why is Cherry Bomb being called The Bunny? Is anybody going to pay to see her as The Bunny? Well, this was good.

Match #5: (Main Event) The Good Brothers and Kenny Omega def. The Young Bucks and Jon Moxley

The following is courtesy of allelitewrestling.com:

Nick Jackson and Kenny Omega locked up in the ring. Kenny Omega took a side headlock on Nick Jackson and then knocked down Nick with a shoulder tackle. Kenny Omega tagged out to Karl Anderson. Nick used a deep arm drag to take down Anderson. Mox and the Bucks used a trio of dives to the outside on Omega and The Good Brothers. Back in the ring, Moxley maintained wrist control and turned around Gallows with a brutal shot. Nick Jackson came in and used a wicked backstabber on Anderson! “Machine Gun” Karl Anderson countered with a spinebuster on Nick Jackson. Matt tagged in, as did Kenny. Matt Jackson elevated Omega with a backdrop. Matt Jackson faked a superkick and changed levels, hitting a DDT on the champ! Omega could barely get to his feet but Matt couldn’t bring himself to superkick his friend Omega. The champ slapped Matt Jackson and then Kenny surprised him with two snapdragon suplexes. Omega was looking for the V-trigger but Mox ran in for the save. Matt Jackson blasted Kenny Omega and then asked him if he was okay. The Bucks hit More Bang For Your Buck on Omega, but Karl Anderson broke up the pin. Nick Jackson ran in to save his brother. The Bucks hoisted up Omega for the V-Trigger while Mox climbed to the top rope. The Bucks just couldn’t bring themselves to do it. Mox shouted at them not to hesitate. Mox finally tagged himself in and spiked Omega with a Paradigm Shift, and then another! Mox locked in the sleeper and tried for another Paradigm Shift until the Bucks superkicked Moxley. Eddie Kingston ran out to the ring to help Moxley, but The Good Brothers used the Magic Killer on him! The Good Brothers returned Moxley to the ring, and Kenny grabbed the pin on him. The Good Brothers picked up Moxley. The Good Brothers and Omega encouraged the Bucks to do something—and then the Bucks superkicked Moxley! The Bucks joined Omega, Callis, and the Good Brothers for a group hug!

The Score: 7 out of 10

  • The Good: Nobody died. Hey, this was fine. If you like watching Kenny Omega try to act, then you’ll love this s—t. There’s lots of spots and stunts and other stuff.
  • The Bad: There’s lots of spots and stunts and other stuff. There was no substance here. They just kept trying to tell a story instead of wrestling a good match.
  • The Verdict: We got more of The Elite hating and loving each other. Why? I was worn out on this match even when I liked it.

Final Verdict: 5/10

Yeah. I know. Most of these matches, despite getting decent ratings, didn’t go very long. Most of this show was promos. Chris Jericho cut a great one and then got beat halfway to Hell later on. Sting cut promos and Lance Archer cut promos and Jake Roberts cut promos and…promos. Promos suck. Then, the main event, which was good, got ruined by The Young Bucks turning heel for the 7000th time. Does AEW plan on going back to a sports-centric presentation or has that shipped sailed? If I have to watch another f—kin’ promo on this show I’m gonna piss a dolphin. Here comes Flipper! I feel like I’m just watching a WWE knockoff at this point. God, that’s depressing. Well, I’ll be back next week, because I’m not giving up on these goof-balls.

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