23rd Mar2021

WWE Raw – Mar 22nd 2021: Results & Review

by Nathan Favel

Welcome to this week’s Monday Night Raw review, right here on Nerdly. I’m Nathan Favel and Steven Spielberg is a pussy. What do you call a mean Scottish woman? McBitch. I can’t believe that Edge turned heel already. So much for the miracle run towards WrestleMania for Edge. Well, we’re on Raw, where Bobby Lashley is the champion. I’m glad that Bobby finally got the shot at the strap. You know what I’m ready for? Bad Bunny! Wait…no I’m not. What’s the deal with his fur-burger hair-cut? Rhea Ripley is gonna be here. I hope she doesn’t have to do any-thing with The Fiend. Why is that guy still crispy as a duck’s ass in “Man Of LaMuncha”? I like to quilt. Raw starts…f—k Steven Spielberg.

Match #1: Bobby Lashley def. Sheamus

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

Twenty-four hours after a grueling No Holds Barred defeat to Drew McIntyre at WWE Fastlane, Sheamus stepped up for a battle with Bobby Lashley to open Raw. With nothing to lose and everything to gain, The Celtic Warrior fought back against Cedric Alexander & Shelton Benjamin, but The All Mighty prevailed with a Hurt Lock. As The Hurt Business unleashed on Sheamus after the match, Drew McIntyre stormed into the ring attempting to goad the WWE Champion into a fight.

The Score: 7 out of 10

  • The Good: This was damn good. Lashley and Sheamus clobbered each other like two baby seals in McDonald’s torture room. Badababada…let’s smash those seals! I loved how both of these guys would go from swapping holds to trading blows like Charlie Sheen when he went from doing lines to —ing Corey Haim. There’s so much action in here that you could shake a baby at this like Michael Jackson when he stopped by that orphanage to party. Jamoun!
  • The Bad: Ummmmm…more time. That’s really the Brad Pitt of it all.
  • The Verdict: Robert Duval called me while I was reviewing this match. Bobby, as his friends can call him, told me that I should go f—k myself and…s—t! That didn’t make me look cool at all! Well, Lashley and Sheamus looked better than cool here. We get so much great brutal fighting here that this eleven/twelve minute match made for a grueling opener.

Match #2: Asuka def. Peyton Royce

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

Peyton Royce made an impassioned plea on Raw Talk for an opportunity to face Asuka a few weeks ago. The challenger nearly made the most of it with a double stomp to the back of the Raw Women’s Champion, but The Empress of Tomorrow rallied into an Asuka Lock to shut down Royce’s gritty effort. The real brutality followed after the match, as Rhea Ripley made her Raw debut and extended a WrestleMania challenge to Asuka, which the Raw Women’s Champion immediately accepted.

The Score: 7 out of 10

  • The Good: Holy s—t! Peyton didn’t suck s—t! That’s a first! Asuka pulled a good one out of her ass! I’m a happy pappy! I mean…my son was run over by that bus…beep beep. Asuka has the magic. Look at what she did for Peyton? Peyton has been playing Captain Dip-S—t out in the ring for three years because she can’t wrestle yet and she gets one night with the champ and it all came together for her. There’s so much sound technical grappling here that I could have sworn I was bulimic. Puke! There wasn’t any slack with this match either. It’s all Asuka all the time and that’s The Way, Baby Yoda. The Child my ass!
  • The Bad: Peyton still needs a lot of work. There were moments where Peyton’s lack of skill in certain areas showed through a bit too much.
  • The Verdict: That’s two in a row, Idaho! Yeah Momma!

Match #3: The Miz def. Jeff Hardy

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

The Miz laid down a brash WrestleMania challenge for Bad Bunny, then set out to prove his headlining status in a matchup with Jeff Hardy. The Charismatic Enigma nearly pulled off the win with a series of splashes, but The A-Lister hit a Skull-Crushing Finale for an Awesome win. After the match, Bad Bunny emerged with a smash-hit guitar strike to The Miz and an emphatic acceptance of his WrestleMania offer.

The Score: 4 out of 10

  • The Good: These guys worked well together. Jeff sold well for The Miz and the latter performed well for the former as both foil and partner.
  • The Bad: This was really short and a waste of the skills of Jeff.
  • The Verdict: Shut the f—k up! Oh…Jeff deserved better than to be jobbed out to The Miz, but Mizzy needed a big victory over a big wrestler, so that part worked.

Match #4: Kofi Kingston def. AJ Styles

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

The New Day called into question the chemistry of AJ Styles & Omos, as the two teams barrel toward a WrestleMania showdown. Kofi Kingston and AJ Styles traded haymakers in a battle of former WWE Champions, but as Xavier Woods lured Omos outside the ring, the Raw Tag Team Champion landed an S.O.S. to set up the pin.

The Score: 7 out of 10

  • The Good: Here’s another damn good match. Kofi and AJ can do this any-time they like. Why can’t they wrestle each other more often? There’s so much smart counters and grappling here that I almost felt like Anthony Rapp in Kevin Spacey’s basement. There are so many reversals here that you’ll feel like you’re watching Anthony Fauci give his daily report on COVID-19. As I was shaving my non-existent mustache, I found that Kofi and AJ just made the whole thing look easy.
  • The Bad: Xavier Woods played his f—ing trombone the whole time.
  • The Verdict: Apart from some lulls in the action at various points, this was pretty damn good.

Match #5: Drew McIntyre def. Shelton Benjamin and Cedric Alexander – Handicap Match

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

Wary of the presence of Cedric Alexander & Shelton Benjamin heading into his WWE Title clash with Bobby Lashley, Drew McIntyre made a proposal to Adam Pearce to remove The Hurt Business duo from ringside of his WrestleMania match if he was able to beat them in a Handicap Match. The Scottish Warrior matched the best efforts of both men and sent Alexander into orbit with an earth-shattering Claymore to bar the pair from ringside at WrestleMania.

The Score: 7 out of 10

  • The Good: This ended-up working out really well, like that movie Minari. I liked Minari damn it! Drew plowed through The Hurt Business like they were Stephanie McMahon’s chesticles. At first, this match lacked some substance, but once we got past the first act, this got really intense. I can’t believe that there was actual wrestling in a Handicap Match. Not only did the action stay strong, but it actually never faltered either.
  • The Bad: Having an established team lose to one guy is always a problem.
  • The Verdict: If you can handle seeing a team look weak to one guy, then there is some great action to behold here.

Match #6: Shayna Baszler and Nia Jax def. Mandy Rose and Dana Brooke

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

Nia Jax & Shayna Baszler have put Raw on notice with their dominance, and the addition of Reginald has provided a whole new wild card to their powerful reign. Mandy Rose & Dana Brooke showed flashes of promise once again, but a circus act from Reginald opened the door for a Samoan Drop from Jax to give the WWE Women’s Tag Team Champions another win.

The Score: 1 out of 10

  • The Good: This sucked. Shayna deserved a better match.
  • The Bad: Nia sucks. Reginald dancing like an idiot helped ruin this.
  • The Verdict: This sucked s—t.

Match #7: (Main Event) Braun Strowman def. Elias

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

What Elias brings in showmanship, he may lack in common sense, as the artist mocked Braun Strowman’s intelligence in a pre-match number. The Monster Among Men took exception from the start, and The Strowman Express rolled to a win with a Running Powerslam. After busting the myth on Shane McMahon’s apparent knee injury, Strowman challenged Shane O-Mac to a WrestleMania clash.

The Score: 1 out of 10

  • The Good: Braun smashed stupid Elias.
  • The Bad: This was short…squash short. Braun had a choo-choo sound when he ran Elias down at the end.
  • The Verdict: Choo-choo!

Major News:

  1. Randy Orton fights The Fiend at WrestleMania.
  2. Sheamus attacked that perv Riddle to hint at a US Title feud between the two.
  3. Bobby Lashley offered a contract for a WWE World Title Match to who-ever takes out Drew McIntyre before WrestleMania.
  4. The Hurt Business can’t interfere with Bobby/Drew at WrestleMania.
  5. Rhea Ripley will fight Asuka for the Raw Women’s Title at WrestleMania.

Final Verdict: 7/10

Most of this show had great wrestling, so I’ll honor the wrestling. There was a lot of s—t to s—k here, but this is a wrestling show and there was plenty of excellent wrestling here, so it gets a good score. Thank you very much for reading this review. It may not always seem like it, but I do enjoy this stuff. I’ll see you next time.

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