06th Jan2021

WWE Raw – Jan 4th 2021: Results & Review

by Nathan Favel

Welcome to this week’s Monday Night Raw review, right here on Nerdly. I’m Nathan Favel and what do you call sex where a man pretends to put his penis in the vagina? …the Hokey Pokey. I’m here at the Bennington Public Library doing a live audio recording via the TalkTech for the revi… Librarian: Shish! Me: Excuse me? Librarian: Shish! Me: Do you mean “shush”? Librarian: Shish! Me: Shush? Librarian: Shish! Me: Shush! Librarian: Shish! Me: Shush! Librarian: Shish! Me: Shush! Librarian: Shish! Shish! Shish! Me: Shut the f— up! (neck breaking) Me: Oh s—! I…killed the librarian! Um…uh oh! Uh oh! Uh oh! AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! Monday Night Raw starts…AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! College Student: Shish! Me: You f—— b—-! (neck breaking)

Match #1: The New Day def. The Miz & John Morrison

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

After The New Day staged a takeover of “Miz TV,” Teddy Long ceremoniously returned to grant a match between Kofi Kingston & Xavier Woods and The Miz & John Morrison. Kingston & Woods were looking to bounce back from lost titles, and The A-Lister was looking to soar again as Mr. Money in the Bank. Kingston got The New Day rolling with acrobatics over the ropes, but Miz & Morrison dug into their bag of tricks to claw back. Amidst a frantic pace, Woods found his footing and landed a Shiny Wizard on Morrison to give The New Day a statement win to open Raw Legends Night.

My Opinion: 3.1 out of 5 – Oh God! Oh jeez! I killed that librarian man…and that hot college chick! Oh s—! I gotta get these b—– out of here! I gotta move them the f— out of here, just like this match should have been moved higher up in the card. You’d think that a bout between two of the biggest tag teams of the past twenty years could get a little more attention than…oh s—! They’re bleeding everywhere! A Lady: Oh my God! What the f—?! Me: Shut the f— up! (neck breaking) Oh s–t! At least this match didn’t bleed everywhere. It was made of stronger stock, even if it wasn’t necessarily the best stock. It was fast and steady, like my hand needs to be if I’m going to get these dead bodies out of here before I get caught. Janitor: Hey. What’s that? Me: …(neck breaking) Great, now I gotta carry his old ass out with the other ones. Well, this match went over better than this escape is, because the match had consistent, crisp wrestling that wasn’t exactly thrilling, but it was just enough to be worth having had seen once. Okay, I gotta get these corpses out of here. I’ll see you for the next match.

Match #2: AJ Styles def. Elias

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

AJ Styles and Elias reignited their rivalry after a grueling matchup last week, and the competitors came out throwing haymakers. Elias nearly secured a win after a vicious knee to The Phenomenal One, but a Styles Clash provided the final note in the duo’s second showdown. The biggest fireworks came after the match, as Jaxson Ryker attempted to smash a guitar but met Omos’ giant boot instead. The instrument shattered to smithereens, as the colossus stared daggers at the musical troupe.

My Opinion: 3.5 out of 5 – AJ made Elias work hard and the match was a success. I just wish me getting out of here with these dead bodies was half as successful. Little Girl: Have you seen my mommy? Me: Ummmmmmmm… (neck breaking). Me: B—-. Where was I? Oh, AJ and Elias had a real banger, which is what today’s wrestling reviewers say when they have no idea what they’re talking about. Elias made himself available for AJ to lead around and move and control, which made the match even better than if Elias tried to take over and prove himself. Elias must be learning a lot from AJ at this po… Secretary: What th… (neck breaking) Me: I am the Governor of Culeefornia! YAGH! The action was smooth and fluid, like these corpses as they gush blood on the floor. Um…let me get these a**holes out of here. This was a fine second match and a good indicator that they’ve got a nice pairing here.

Match #3: Lacey Evans & Peyton Royce def. Charlotte Flair & Asuka

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

Lacey Evans & Peyton Royce continued to improve their chemistry, but the new tandem had their hands full once again with the WWE Women’s Tag Team Champions. The Sassy Southern Belle did her best to try and woo Ric Flair at ringside throughout the match, as Charlotte Flair took exception to the advances. Royce fought valiantly to stay alive in the match, but The Queen seemed poised to put the match away until “The Nature Boy” appeared to trip his daughter to set Royce up for the pin. Following the shocking conclusion, The Dirtiest Player in the Game earned a smooch from Evans but a stern talking to from his daughter to stay out of her business.

My Opinion: 2.7 out of 5 – This was a decent match that saw everyone perform well and hold up their end of the deal. Lacey and Peyton looked the best that they have in quite some time. Flair and Asuka gave their opponents quite a bit of the match and it was all the better for it. I…uh oh. Here comes the cops! Officer: Alright! Hands on your head! Me: Ummmmm…ok. Just let me…what in the world is that? Officer: Where? (neck breaking) Me: It’s like Rian Johnson wrote this. Anyway, I liked this for what it was, but it needed a bit of oomph in the allowance department.

Match #4: Riddle def. Bobby Lashley

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

The clash between Riddle and Bobby Lashley started as an absolute slugfest with the United States Champion dishing out most of the early punishment. The All Mighty paid homage to WWE Legend Ron Simmons with a Dominator in the center of the ring, and then it appeared Riddle tapped out from a Hurt Lock. As MVP argued with the official, The Original Bro rolled up the unsuspecting Lashley for a win.

My Opinion: 3.2 out of 5 – This was mostly just Lashley smashing Riddle like a pancake made of…a cat! A Cat: Meow (neck breaking). Me: Pussy. This was essentially a long squash, but it was very entertaining and Riddle won, so…ain’t I still mad at Riddle for being a jerk and possibly a pervert? Why can’t he be more like me? Old Woman: Hello young man! (neck breaking) Me: Shove it, you wrinkled-up pork-pie. I gotta get these bodies down to the boiler room. Well, Riddle and Lashley had a nice match and that’s good.

Match #5: Dana Brooke def. Shayna Baszler

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

Dana Brooke & Mandy Rose have shown they’ve been growing as a team, and Shayna Baszler found out the hard way. After The Queen of Spades crushed Mandy Rose on her walk to the ring, Dana Brooke slid in to step up to the challenge against Baszler. Brooke reversed for a roll-up win, but Baszler quickly responded with a Kirifuda Clutch after the bell in hopes of dishing out more pain. Rose was waiting in the wings and returned the favor to Baszler as the tandem stood tall in the ring.

My Opinion: 1.9 out of 5 –This was way too short to be what it could have been. Hey, a baby. A Baby: Goo goo ga ga! (neck breaking) Me: Little bastard. I just wish that this match could’ve gone on longer.

Match #6: Randy Orton def. Jeff Hardy

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

Randy Orton did all he could to live up to his Legend Killer reputation leading into the match, and that didn’t stop when he entered the squared circle. The Viper struck early against Jeff Hardy, but The Charismatic Enigma matched his opponent’s sadistic streak with undeterred grit. A Whisper in the Wind resulted in a near-fall, but Orton rallied to deliver the three most dangerous letters in sports-entertainment to put down another WWE Legend.

My Opinion: 3.4 out of 5 – This was another fine match in their run together. While not quite as ambitious as some of their previous matches this one wa… A Duck: Quack! (neck breaking) Me: F—-face. Randy put his fingers in Jeff’s ear-ring holes at one point, because wrestling isn’tweird enough as it is… I enjoyed seeing these two get back in there again. Randy won and it was really a toss-up to me.

Match #7: Lucha House Party def. The Hurt Business

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

Gran Metalik & Lince Dorado were looking to deliver “Lucha Legends Night,” but The Hurt Business were out to bring more profits and pain to the red brand. Despite their talent, Cedric Alexander & Shelton Benjamin couldn’t stay on the same page even as Raw Tag Team Champions and Dorado capitalized. The high-flyer Superkicked Benjamin and pulled off an acrobatic takedown. Lucha House Party went wild in victory, as MVP went off the handle in rage after a rough night for The Hurt Business.

My Opinion: 2.3 out of 5 – This was pretty much all about watching LHP do spots. That part was cool. I… Joan Of Arc: Le coutabe prien de la souprat montalke jataub pelevu (neck breaking). Me: What was that old man saying to me? There wasn’t much here to talk about.

Match #8: (Main Event) Drew McIntyre def. Keith Lee – WWE Championship Match

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

The two heavyweights came out throwing haymakers, as Drew McIntyre and Keith Lee went to war on Raw Legends Night. Lee announced his golden intentions, as a running shoulder sent McIntyre flying over the barricade and nearly out of the WWE ThunderDome entirely. The fighting champion came charging back and put his own strength on display with an incredible toss of Lee across the ring. With WWE Legends watching in amazement, Lee nearly entered sports-entertainment lore with an earth-shattering Spanish Fly off the top rope. Fighting through bruised ribs, McIntyre reversed a Spirit Bomb at the last second and connected on a Claymore to remain WWE Champion in a classic bout. The WWE Champion’s night wasn’t over just yet, as Goldberg entered the ring and laid down a Royal Rumble challenge for McIntyre.

My Opinion: 4.1 out of 5 – This was an excellent match that delivered plenty of big moves and lots of tension. There was suspense in that Drew was starting to lose his control over Lee in the second half, which made it feel like Lee could win. I would definitely put this in the “spectacle” category, because there wasn’t a lot in the way of technical wrestling, but it was quality entertainment none the less. God: My son! What have you done?! You have killed so many! Please, repent your wicked ways! (neck breaking) Me: Ha! I was kinda hoping Lee would get a chance to be World Champion for a week, but Drew is still doing great as champion, so rock and roll ass-hole. Okay, time to ditch these bodies in the furnace. Overall, this main event was worth the time.

News Of The Night:

  1. Jimmy Hart, Teddy Long, Molly Holly, Alicia Fox, Mickie James, Melina, Torrie Wilson, Ron Simmons, The Boogeyman, Tatanka, I.R.S., Sgt. Slaughter, The Big Show, Mark Henry, Booker T, Hulk Hogan and Ric Flair showed up for this “Legends” special.
  2. Ric Flair accidentally cost Charlotte Flair her match and she booted his ass out of the arena.
  3. There’s dissention in the ranks of The Hurt Business (Cedric wants to be the star).

Final Verdict: 3.4/5

Well, I’ve got the furnace all primed and ready for some burnin’. You know, before I get to it, I think there’s time for one more thing: GANG-BAAAAAAAAAAAAANG!!!!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!! Welcome to the Disney Channel! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!! Jonjo: Mr. Dude! Mr. Dude! Wake ya ass up! Me: Hmmm? Y’all wuz a sleep. Me: I…didn’t kill any-body? Jonjo: Nope. Y’all wuz talkin’ in yo sleep. Me: I reviewed the whole show while I was sleeping? Jonjo: Yep! Me: I’m so glad that was just a nightmare. I mean…a library? EWWWWWWWWW!!!!!! Books suck ass! Anyway, I couldn’t kill anybody and I wouldn’t want to either. Well, the show was a 3.4 and it was because the show was largely weak, but it did have a great main event, so there you go on that. I’d like to thank our resident computer program Jonjo and TalkTech for their very reliable and perhaps too precise voice recording technology for helping me complete this review. Have a great day and I’ll see you next time.

One Response to “WWE Raw – Jan 4th 2021: Results & Review”

  • Nathan Favel

    Oh, I forgot: GOLDBERRRRRRRRG! Goldberg challenged Drew McIntyre for the WWE World Title at the Royal Rumble, due to him believing that Drew is disrespecting the legends (rumor is that the promo of Drew bashing legends was pulled from schedule).