‘All Elite Wrestling: Dynamite’ Review (Sept 2nd 2020)

Welcome to this week’s All Elite Wrestling: Dynamite review, right here on Nerdly. I’m Nathan Favel and we have the go-home show for All Out right here, right now. I’ve got a date with Betunia Maschado, the resident sociopath of the London Philharmonic Orchestra and that woman doesn’t like it when I’m late. Therefore, with great sadness, I leave this review in the hands of “Smart” Mark D. Mark…

Greetings you worthless pukes! Marcus DeMarcus Marcus, or “Smart” Mark D. Mark to you, is here to review the new cock in the hen house itself, AEW. Nathan says he is going on a date, but he’s really going to cry over how pathetic he’s become since his mom died. I kid! I kid! Nathan is too pathetic to know how to cry. Nathan enjoys AEW more than I tend to, but he does find fault in this two-bit 1996 WWF rip-off almost as much as I do. I will not coddle your adolescent need to revert back to the Monday Night Wars with this review. If AEW is trash, then let us take out to the curb and dispose of it. Let’s see if Tony Khan’s feeble attempt at having a real job will pay off tonight, or if he is just another trust-fund twerp who couldn’t boil an egg, let alone book a wrestling league.

Match #1: Santana & Ortiz def. Best Friends (Chuck Taylor & Trent)

The following is courtesy of allelitewrestling.com:

“What a way to kick things off! The blood is boiling between these two teams,” said Excalibur. Best Friends jumped Santana and Ortiz on the ramp! Trent jumped off the stage with a high cross body block on both Santana and Ortiz. Best Friends tried to suplex Ortiz onto the steel ring steps, but Santana blocked it. “Look at your baby boy, Sue,” yelled Ortiz into the camera as he choked Trent with a rolled-up t-shirt. “Chuck is building some sort of structure with the steel chairs,” said Excalibur. Santana nailed Chuck Taylor with a chair as he was busy constructing his steel chair structure. Santana grabbed Chuck and threw him off the stage onto the chairs below! Finally the bell rang for the match to begin! Santana pump kicked Trent as Ortiz held Trent’s ankle from outside on the apron. Ortiz tagged in and they double suplexed Trent for a near fall. Ortiz followed up with a gut wrench suplex on Trent. Trent rallied back with a swinging DDT on Santana and neutralized both members of the opposition, but Chuck wasn’t there for the tag, still recovering from earlier in the match. Trent attempted a spear onto Santana on the outside but Santana leapfrogged him, causing Trent to spear the ringside barricade instead! Chuck finally got the tag and cleaned house on Santana and Ortiz, following up with a tope con giro! Chuck followed up with Sole Food and the Falcon Arrow on Santana but Ortiz broke up the pin! Trent tagged in and connected with a bicycle knee strike on Santana! “Great continuity from Best Friends,” observed Excalibur. Ortiz held Trent’s ankle and Santana ran into him, knocking Trent and sending him crashing out on the ring steps! Santana and Ortiz were looking for the Street Sweeper finisher, but Trent hit the Crunchie for a near fall! After whacking Trent with the steel baton when the referee was distracted, Santana and Ortiz finished the match with the Street Sweeper, pinning Trent!

My Opinion: 3 out of 5 – What a pointless, yet moderately satisfying battle of two teams that don’t draw a dime right now. The Best Friends used to be one of the independent circuit’s most tandems, but they have become a comedy freak-show in AEW, as has Santana & Ortiz, who might as well just go work at McDonald’s at this point, because that is the way to look and wrestle. What’s the matter? Are those big contracts making your asses complacent? As aggressive as The Best Friends have been, what little that change in demeanor has offered could be considered “too little, too late”, like my thyroid medication. S&O are bums. Who could ever be intimidated by these LAX rip-offs who actually were, at one point LAX themselves? Both teams worked a match that made me think back to better days from both teams’ past and wish I was there, instead of this dumpster fire of a match right now. Does anyone have a chipper-shredder handy, so I can toss these two pitiful pairs in and finally get my money’s worth out of them? You losers get a three, but I wouldn’t take any pride in it, you fake news skanks, because it’s a three by technicality of quality, rather than pleasure of skill.

Match #2: The Young Bucks (Nick & Matt Jackson) & Jurassic Express (Luchasaurus & Jungle Boy) def. SCU (Christopher Daniels & Frankie Kazarian) & Private Party (Marq Quen & Isiah Kassidy)

The following is courtesy of allelitewrestling.com:

“A little different demeanor tonight for the Young Bucks after what happened with ‘Hangman’ Page last week,” said Tony Schiavone. The Bucks didn’t even stop to pose when making their ring entrance. Kazarian and Jungle Boy began the match. Kazarian got an Oklahoma Roll on Jungle Boy for a one-count. They went move for move with impressive chain wrestling. There was a fan at ringside with a sign that read: “Hangman Drink My Beer!” Matt Jackson spotted the fan, grabbed the sign, and tore it up. “The Young Bucks refused a tag to the Jurassic Express, not wanting to leave this thing to chance,” said Jim Ross. “They’re wrestling with purpose here tonight,” replied Excalibur. “I love the aggression,” added J.R. Frankie Kazarian baited Nick Jackson, who was on the ring apron waiting for a tag. Kazarian clobbered Nick with a guillotine leg drop. Daniels hit an Arabian moonsault on the Young Bucks on the outside of the ring! Kazarian tagged in Kassidy and told him, “Impress me!” Private Party hit a flapjack facebuster combo on Jungle Boy. Daniels tagged in and executed a textbook suplex on Jungle Boy. Luchasaurus got a tag and dished out chops and a bit boot! He connected with a double clothesline on Private Party, and then a monstrous moonsault onto SCU! “Luchasaurus cutting through the competition here!” said Excalibur. Working in unison, the Young Bucks and Jurassic Express used stereo risky business on their opponents! The match went into hyperdrive here! SCU isolated Jungle Boy and blasted him with a powerbomb neck breaker combo! Kassidy hit a senton atomico but Jungle Boy kicked out before the three count! Matt Jackson tagged himself in and the Bucks used the BTE Trigger on Marq Quen, grabbing the pin!

My Opinion: 3.3 out of 5 – The Bucks are lucky they draw, because watching them go over anyone just makes me sick. This match had a lot of action, but so did my last heart attack. At least SCU was here to do some actual wrestling. Jungle Boy worked his ass off to sell for their opponents while Private Party pretended (successfully so) to be tough. If you like watching indy scum and SCU do wrestling moves (admittedly well), then this match will bring so joy to your meager lives. I, on the other hand, expect more from wrestling on an international television broadcast than just one move after another.

Match #3: Chris Jericho (with Jake Hager) def. Joey Janela

The following is courtesy of allelitewrestling.com:

It’ll be Jericho vs. Orange Cassidy III in a MIMOSA MAYHEM MATCH at ALL OUT this Saturday, but first Le Champion has to get past Janela! Orange Cassidy’s music hit, and he strolled down the arena steps and sat ringside. Jericho removed his ring jacket and revealed he was wearing a shirt with Orange Cassidy’s face on it. “A lot of mind games here,” said Jim Ross. Jericho whipped Janela into the corner and followed up with a running clothesline. Jericho dropped fists on Janela’s forehead. “Jericho is extra aggressive tonight,” said Jim Ross. Janela tried to fight from his knees but Jericho clubbed him back down. Janela connected with haymakers on Jericho, but it wasn’t enough to stop the onslaught from Jericho. Jericho pummeled Janela with devastating knee strikes. Jericho caught Janela with the Code Breaker and then submitted Janela with the Lion Tamer!

My Opinion: 2.2 out of 5 – What a waste of Janela and Jericho, who are both better than a squash match. How am I supposed to be interested in this if they aren’t going to be allowed to wrestle a full-length bout? How pathetic is this league that they can’t even take a dream match like Jericho/Janela and promote it ahead of time? This is like when Maladia Luscious came to The Spank Zone and didn’t even do the Triple Leg Stroke. What kind of high-dollar stripper doesn’t do her most famous move at a show-case? Anyway, Jericho and Janela deserved better and so do I Tony Khan.

Match #4: Thunder Rosa def. Serena Deeb

The following is courtesy of allelitewrestling.com:

This Saturday at ALL OUT it’ll be NWA Women’s World Champion Thunder Rosa vs. AEW Women’s World Champion Hikaru Shida! They tied up with a collar and elbow and Rosa took down Deeb. Thunder Rosa sent Deeb flying halfway across the ring with two drop kicks. Deeb countered with a neck breaker, and then drove Rosa’s knee into the mat repeatedly! Thunder Rosa used multiple nasty neck breakers on Deeb, and then a running leg drop! “This is one of the most fundamentally sound matches we’ve seen in a long time,” said Jim Ross. Excalibur said Thunder Rosa is a stylistic nightmare for Hikaru Shida. “In many ways she is a puzzle,” he added. Thunder Rosa built momentum with knee strikes and then followed up with a low dropkick on Deeb! Thunder Rosa dumped Deeb with a Death Valley Driver! Somehow Deeb kicked out! Thunder Rosa hoisted up Deeb and pinned her after the Thunder Driver!

My Opinion: 3.8 out of 5 – This was the best match of the show. Rosa is as gaunt as a house-wife starved by her fat husband, which is my fetish. Rosa and Deeb were a mat classic waiting to happen and they delivered. Why did this only go a minute shy of ten? There’s so much great wresting here, it makes me wonder why Rosa doesn’t already work here? Hell, Deeb is ready for another contract too. Sign them Tony Khan, or out yourself as the dweeb we all know you are.

Match #5: (Main Event) Jon Moxley def. Mark Sterling

The following is courtesy of allelitewrestling.com:

As stated on page 17 of Moxley’s ALL OUT contract, Moxley is prohibited from using the Paradigm Shift in his match against MJF on Saturday. Mox can use it tonight however! And if Sterling no-shows his match tonight, his client MJF will not receive his championship match against Moxley on Saturday at ALL OUT! Wardlow had to drag a very reluctant Sterling to the ring to face Moxley. “The appropriately named Mark…Sterling. This is going to be bowling shoe ugly,” said Jim Ross. “He has to face Jon Moxley in this match or MJF’s opportunity goes away,” said Excalibur. Moxley offered a free shot to Sterling. Mox had to show Sterling how to make a fist. Sterling swung and missed. Mox slapped Sterling, knocking him loopy. Moxley turned his back and told Sterling to hit him as hard as he can. Sterling charged Moxley but Moxley moved. Sterling went sailing through the ropes. Wardlow was outside the ring watching, growing increasingly frustrated by Sterling’s inability to inflict any damage on Moxley. Sterling poked Mox in the eyes, but Mox clotheslined Sterling over the ropes to the outside of the ring. Mox piled chairs and a barricade onto Sterling. He removed one of Sterling’s sneakers and started hitting him with it. Mox finished off Sterling with the Paradigm Shift!

My Opinion: 0.6 out of 5 – Why even bother with this? This was just shit. I felt like I was watching an orphan beg for the chance to be adopted…little bastard. Sterling is useless…USELESS!!!!!!! Just shoot the prick and make Moxley take those stupid jobber pants off. If you want a long squash, then plug this shit in your ass and there you go.

News Of The Night:

1. MJF attacked and bloodied Jon Moxley to sell the prize fight for All Out.
2. Chris Jericho bloodied Joey Janela to sell the later brawl with Orange Cassidy that was meant to build toward the Mimosa Mayhem match…which is just stupid.
3. Britt Baker attacked Big Swole to sell the Tooth And Nail match for the Buy In before All Out starts.
4. FTR tried to turn Adam Page against Kenny Omega by making Page think he’s a bastard to sell that Page or Omega may turn on the other at All Out in the AEW World Tag Title match.
5. The Young Bucks fight Jurassic Express at All Out.
6. The Dark Order fights The Nightmare Family, Scorpio Sky and Matt Cardona at All Out.
7. The Casino Battle Royale competitors brawled with each other.
8. Matt Hardy and Sammy Guevara fight in a match for Hardy’s career.

Final Verdict: 2.6/5

A year ago, this league had promise, but now it’s just an early 1990s WWF clone that just throws things at the wall. Is this what wrestling has come to? Nerds geeking out over goofy angles and blood spots? I’ll take Jim Crockett re-runs over this shit. All Out doesn’t interest me, not based on this show. “Smart” Mark D. Mark has spoken!