20th Aug2020

‘All Elite Wrestling: Dark’ Review (Aug 18th 2020)

by Nathan Favel

Welcome to this week’s All Elite Wrestling: Dark review, right here on Nerdly. I’m Nathan Favel and somebody got the turkey! We have to find this son of a b*tch and get the turkey back! Those damn turkey thieves don’t get to keep one damn bit of my pet turkey! We gotta get the legs back and the breasts back and…the white meat…back. Maybe I should bring a…Crock-Pot…with me…mmmmmmmm. Okay, let’s get to the matches before I boil my turkey in that Crock-Pot…

Match #1: Kip Sabian def. Michael Nakazawa

My Opinion: 2.9 out of 5 – This was getting good, but it got cut off before it could do anything you’d remember. I…smell that turkey cook. Sabian and Nakazawa did some great character stuff that I didn’t always care about, but appreciated nonetheless. All in all, this was a short but sweet opener.

Match #2: Joey Janela and Sonny Kiss def. Frank Stone and Shawn Dean

My Opinion: 2.8 out of 5 – This was very solid and consistent, with Kiss standing out more than everybody, including Janela. That turkey sure smells good. We got five or so minutes of steady, measured action from four people who can go…gather ‘round this here Crock-Pot for a whiff of the birded goods.

Match #3: Shawn Spears def. Will Hobbs

My Opinion: 2.6 out of 5 – Spears performed well in a long squash that…SQUASH?!?!?!?!?! JU…ANGER!!!!!!! At least I have this turkey cooking…mmmmmmmm.

Match #4: The Hybrid 2 def. The Initiative

My Opinion: 2.9 out of 5 – This went for about ten minutes, but was a bit slow in the wrong spots. At least this turkey isn’t cooking slowly…it’s one of those slow-cooker/broaster combos. Everybody moved well out here, but the match needed some juice to give it some get-up-and-go. Well, at least this turkey is getting there and that this match was easy on the eyes.

Match #5: Abadon def. Red Velvet

My Opinion: 2.4 out of 5 – This wasn’t much of a match, but neither woman looked bad. The action didn’t get too far into any kind of depth, but it did show promise from time to time. Red Velvet has potential and could go far in due time. Abadon used her creepy gimmick to do her Eleanor Roosevelt routine (it looks like her). This turkey is cooking nicely and this match was decent enough.

Match #6: Colt Cabana and Dark Order def. D3, Faboo Andre and Ryzin

My Opinion: 2.5 out of 5 – FABOO! FABOO! FABOO! What a stupid name. D3…dip-shit. Ryzin…ass-hole. Dark Order…bull-shit. Colt Cabana…phuck-face. Why am I insulting these poor orphaned girls? …because this match was shit! Talk about watching paint dry on an old chick’s ass! Nobody did a bad job, but there was no life in this either. Actually, this just happens sometimes, but I like pretending that these guys are losers…my small winky. Well, at least this turkey isn’t failing to impress…mmmmmmm.

Match #7: Ricky Starks def. Lee Johnson

My Opinion: 3 out of 5 – This was a fun little match that was never all that ambitious, but it always delivered good action that made sense…like how delicious this turkey is gonna be when it finishes.

Match #8: Santana and Ortiz def. Baron Black and Tony Donati

My Opinion: 2 out of 5 – This was damn squash. A SQUAAAAAAAAAASH!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! At..at least I have this turkey cooking real nice.

Match #9: Lance Archer def. Jesse Sorensen and Jon Cruz – Handicap Match

My Opinion: 1 out of 5 – This was a stupid, stinkin’ squash where two guys were wasted on one guy for a match that won’t increase the winner’s drawing power. Come one turkey…make the Colonel feel good!

Match #10: Billy [Gunn] def. Alan Angels

My Opinion: 2.4 out of 5 – This was kinda dull, but Alan looked good for his part. Billy was not bad at all, but he just can’t “Get Up And Boogie” like he’s at the Silver Convention anymore. I wanted this to be a real snappy thing, but the match just never came together outside of the basics. Billy winning would be fine if he was getting pushed towards bigger and better things, but there’s no evidence of that, so that’s a mark against the result. That turkey is almost there and it smells better than this match was.

Match #11: (Main Event) The Butcher & The Blade and The Lucha Brothers (6-7) def. Private Party and SCU

My Opinion: 3.1 out of 5 – This was a ten or so minute tag melee that made me forget about how done this turkey almost is. The Lucha Bros. are a sight for sore eyes. How are they not ruling the whole damn league by now? Stupid Tony Khan…he’s gonna Vince McMahon them to death! Well, at least the teams knew what to do with their limited time together. Every move transitioned well into one another, with nothing looking weak. It ain’t gonna make the world turn faster, but a match like this does make it more fun to spin around in. Speaking of fun…TURKEY TIME!!!!!!

Final Verdict: 2.8/5

This was a decent show that needed to merge the squash matches into one match you’d tune in for and to give some more time to the other bouts.

One Response to “‘All Elite Wrestling: Dark’ Review (Aug 18th 2020)”