11th Aug2020

WWE Raw – August 10th 2020: Results & Review

by Nathan Favel

Welcome to this week’s Monday Night Raw review, right here on Nerdly. I’m Nathan Favel and if you cross a rooster with a donkey you get a cock in the ass. I’m afraid I won’t be covering this week’s Raw, due to a dinner party being held at Dave Meltzer’s J’aQass Manor, in honor of plans changing… again. To that measure, I leave you with the man whose penis on his face has left him cockeyed, “Smart” Mark D. Mark.

Greetings, feeble fools! “Smart” Mark D. Mark is here to free you from the torturous reviews of Nathan Favel, whose mother died of heart failure just to get away from him. I will brave the choppy waters of the Sea of Raw to get you to the Shore of Truth, which may be riddled with land-mines like every pathetic Middle Eastern country to use their hands as toilet paper. Get ready you meager freaks, because the greatest moment of your life is here!

Match #1: Seth Rollins def. Humberto Carrillo

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

The Monday Night Messiah set out to silence another Mysterio family ally in Humberto Carrillo. Despite a valiant effort from Carrillo, Rollins put him down for the three-count with a Stomp.

My Opinion: 2.5 out of 5 – For the brief instant that this match even dared to be in existence, it was good wrestling, but little more than that. Must every match from Vince be Goldie Hawn’s ass in tight jeans for only a second? Oh well, at least Rollins won…

Match #2: Angelo Dawkins def. Andrade

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

Just one week removed from the shocking poisoning of Montez Ford that shook up the Raw Tag Team Title picture heading into SummerSlam, Angelo Dawkins set out to put his challengers on their back foot, battling Andrade in one-on-one action. Zelina Vega tried to interfere in the bout, until Ford’s furious wife, Bianca Belair, arrived and yanked her off the ring apron. That gave Dawkins the opening to connect with the Cash Out to pick up the victory.

My Opinion: 2.5 out of 5 – This was a fine showing for the once proud La Sombra and a decent evening for Snoop Dogg on steroids. There’s more contact here than in a XXX NFL game, which is something only the rich elite can afford to watch, like yours truly. Andrade deserved an opponent that was more agile, but those are the breaks, kid. If this had gone for longer than a minute and a half, I wouldn’t be so prone to bashing this, but I also bashed the second coming of Christ, so perhaps my bias knows no bounds. “Smart” Mark D. Mark finds this match to be timid entertainment at best, so you have to as well.

Match #3: Bianca Belair def. Zelina Vega

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

Despite Zelina Vega denying any involvement in Ford’s poisoning and doing her best to slow Belair, there was no stopping The EST of WWE. Belair planted Vega into the canvas with the KOD to get the three-count.

My Opinion: 3.5 out of 5 – What started as a fine demo reel for these two competitors ultimately became a short yet strong showing overall. Both Vega and Belair were crisp and nuanced here, like a piece of Soylent Green (Note: I own stock in the company.) These two ladies got so deep into the well, they managed to bring back enough water for everyone, which is a trait that I like in a woman. Vega’s use of clinches and locks were superb here, which paired well with Belair’s unchecked aggression, like orphans and Merlot. If Vince was smart, like ol’ Mark D. Mark, he’d give these two another crack at the spot-light in short order, but with a longer match.

Match #4: Shelton Benjamin def. Apollo Crews

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

Apollo Crews then set out to take out Shelton Benjamin in one-on-one action. But due to a distraction from Bobby Lashley at ringside, Benjamin rolled up Crews and picked up a win over the United States Champion.

My Opinion: 3.1 out of 5 – This was disappointing, if only because these two can do so much more than just wrestle for a few minutes, but those minutes were of notable quality. Crews should have won, but Benjamin is not so bad an opponent to lose to, un-like my bout with genital dysplasia. Let us all bask in the warm glow of two great wrestlers making a few minutes count for more than even their seconds would allow.

Match #5: Viking Raiders & Ricochet & Cedric Alexander def. Akira Tozawa & Ninjas

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

24/7 Champion Akira Tozawa and his ninjas looked to prove their might in tag team competition, taking on The Viking Raiders & Ricochet & Cedric Alexander. Despite their best effort, the ninjas were no match for their opponents. They were so overwhelmed that one of the ninjas convinced Tozawa to ditch their compatriots. Tozawa agreed, as Erik & Ivar connected with the Viking Experience to get the three-count.

My Opinion: 2.3 out of 5 – This was a few good moves and a reason to never trust Vince McMahon with booking people smaller than his dreams of John Cena on a unicorn. There’s plenty of talent here, ladies and gentlemen, but you’d never know it by the way this whole match began and ended so quickly.

Match #6: R-Truth def. Akira Tozawa – 24/7 Championship Match

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

As Tozawa and the reluctant ninja escaped, he was stopped by a referee on the ramp, then rolled up by the ninja, who revealed himself to be the now 38-time 24/7 Champion R-Truth!

My Opinion: 0 out of 5 – This was one second of complete shit.

Match #7: Peyton Royce def. Liv Morgan

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

Though they were successful in their first match back as a team last week, it looks as though The Riott Squad still need to fully get back on the same page. As Liv Morgan took on Peyton Royce in singles action, Ruby Riott did her best to neutralize Billie Kay at ringside. Unfortunately, that caused a distraction, leading to Royce connecting with the Deja-Vu to pick up the victory.

My Opinion: 1.2 out of 5 – This was two or so minutes of an anvil being dropped on my head…like that atrocious affirmative rights debacle known as “Hamilton”.

Match #8: Asuka def. Bayley – Raw Women’s Title Shot At SummerSlam

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

With Raw Women’s Champion Sasha Banks watching from ringside, SmackDown Women’s Champion Bayley fought for The Boss’ SummerSlam fate, trying to prevent the retribution-minded Asuka from getting a rematch at The Biggest Event of The Summer. Bayley tried to exert her will on Asuka, but The Empress of Tomorrow’s rage was too much to contain. “The Role Model” went a bit too far in mocking Asuka’s friend and former tag team partner, Kairi Sane, and soon found herself in the Asuka Lock with no choice but to tap out, sealing Banks’ destiny for a rematch with The Empress of Tomorrow in two weeks.

My Opinion: 3.7 out of 5 – This was exactly what it should have been, with two of the best delivering a match that was good enough to whet the whistle of the SummerSlam Express. Asuka ripped through Bayley. What this match had that so many other would not have in this instance is urgency, which is precisely what a bout with a title shot on the line should feel like, urgent. A fabulous effort from two fabulous ladies is just what this derelict program needed to get back on track.

Match #9: (Main Event) Randy Orton def. Kevin Owens

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

In a wild brawl that could not be contained by the ring, Kevin Owens brought the fight to The Viper. KO looked to have Orton on the ropes as he went for the Stunner, but Orton countered and connected with an RKO to pick up the victory.

My Opinion: 3.3 out of 5 – This was another brisk bout between these two, but it lacked the cohesive bond of their previous bouts. KO has got the stuff to be a great bacon-back champion, but since he looks like a deep-fried rump-roast, he’ll likely get as close to the World Title as I will to Jessica Alba…and that damn restraining order. Orton worked hard to do nothing, as usual, but nobody coasts like Orton either, so count yourself lucky that we are graced by the Lazy One himself. This was a decent main event that gave the right man the victory ahead of his major prize fight with the WWE World Champion at SummerSlam.

News Of The Night:

  1. Ric Flair was attacked by Randy Orton after he cut a great promo on his mortality.
  2. Raw Underground had the likes of Arturo Ruas, Riddick Moss and Dabba-Kato pretending to fight while Shayna Baszler dominated enough women to make Brazzers wish she was under contract.
  3. RETRIBUTION once again attacked the WWE Performance Center, likely for how bad NXT is on a weekly basis.
  4. Apollo Crews crashed MVP’s “VIP Lounge” to mock him for being a loser.
  5. Seth Rollins & Murphy brutalized Dominik Mysterio with a Kendo stick after Dominik Mysterio signed his official WWE contract.
  6. Mickie James and Natalya are now feuding, likely over who Vince McMahon cares less about.

Final Verdict: 3.3/5

The wrestling and a few choice promos saved this from being abject dreck. Well, my dear miscreants, this review is now done, like Florida’s collective IQ.

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