06th Aug2020

‘All Elite Wrestling: Dark’ Review (Aug 4th 2020)

by Nathan Favel

Welcome to this week’s All Elite Wrestling: Dark review, right here on Nerdly. I’m Nathan Favel and we’ve got an hour of action, because fickle ol’ Tony can’t make-up his frickin’ mind! I…don’t wanna do this. I’m gonna let Mark D. Mark handle this…old prick.

Greetings dorks and dorkettes! “Smart” Mark D. Mark here to handle all of your wrestling needs, while Nathan totters off to stick his tongue in his dead mom’s bone-dust like the chode that he is. We have more pathetic losers grappling their little hearts out because they don’t have the guts to abandon their pathetic dreams because their pathetic lives hang on the tenuous grip of sanity that the roar of the crowd provides. In this hour of majority silence, I, “Smart” Mark D. Mark, would like to remind you that COVID-19 is just fake news from fake experts who are so desperate for attention that they have over-sold the might of Influenza B just to get over. All Elite Wrestling: Dark is like that bout of fake news, because we have feeble minds plopped in nimble bodies struggling to make sense of a profession that has no interest in them, but these fools just can’t read between the lines. Well, you can read between the lines, because I, “Smart” Mark D. Mark will hold you to a higher standard or drown you in the sweat from your troubled brow. Let’s begin the review, mortal scum.

Match #1: Scorpio Sky def. Will Hobbs

My Opinion: 2.3 out of 5 – Now this will put butts in seats, ladies and gentlemen. We have a one-odd minute squash from the man who used to say racist/sexist things on Twitter versus a man who sounds like comic strip for burn-outs. Yes, Sky made this brief bout into a burst of buoyant energy, but so does my keister when it shoots shart gas over my dog Petruklafanks, The Corpulent. If a squash match is your idea of fun, then pull that pistol from out your mouth and get one last thrill before you do us all a favor. Also, my lawyer advises me to inform you that there is plenty of instances of sarcasm in this match’s review, but he didn’t say I had to point them out…so don’t miss.

Match #2: The Gunn Club def. Aaron Solow & Serpentico

My Opinion: 2.6 out of 5 – This was five or so minutes of the Gunn’s playing grab-ass with anything in sight, which is how their father allegedly got his roster spot in the WWF in the first place. My lawyer has reminded me to point out I said allegedly already, so that way my lies can withstand scrutiny. Serpentico and Solow was the better tandem here, so of course they lost. Is Vince McMahon booking this tripe?

Match #3: Joey Janela & Sonny Kiss def. The Initiative (Brandon Cutler & Peter Avalon)

My Opinion: 3.1 out of 5 – The misfit and the queen beat the goon and librarian in a match. No, ladies and gentlemen, I did not yank your chain or put you on. This is what AEW has to offer. Janela is a great star with a bad attitude, so they may as well Old Yeller his ass right now. Kiss intrigues me, as he’s not my normal cup of tea, but his unique personality and skills demand that he be pushed as a major attraction. What, are Lance Archer and his lesbian proclivities too important to cast aside in favor of someone who could actually draw? Well, as I stew over the holding pattern our winners are being kept in, why don’t you make yourself useful and read the next review?

Match #4: Abadon def. KiLynn King

My Opinion: 2.4 out of 5 – Jesus Christ! Abadon is a hideous freak! Shoot that son of a bitch! King is more my taste, but Abadon does have a certain appeal to…Jesus Christ! Abadon is a hideous freak! Shoot that son of a bitch! Not much happens in this squash match, so… King impressed me here in a match where the right woman wo…Jesus Christ! Abadon is a hideous freak! Shoot that son of a bitch! Also, my lawyer advises me to inform you that there is plenty of instances of sarcasm AND lying in this match’s review… again.

Match #5: Jack Evans def. QT Marshall

My Opinion: 3.1 out of 5 – Evans gave a great performance in this battle against Cody’s mistress, Cutey Marshall. Evans has been gone a while so his return here was welcome. Cutey played the part of the squelch, because he is bottoming-out for Cody in return for a roster spot. My lawyer has reminded me to mention that I’m lying, but I don’t have to say about what. Evans worked hard to make Cutey look like he keep a crowd awake and I appreciate that. All in all, this was a fun way to give a guy a second chance.

Match #6: FTR def. Brian Pillman Jr. and Griff Garrison

My Opinion: 3.1 out of 5 –  FTR, which stands for “Find The Remote”, did a nice job both boring and exciting me at the same time. Pillman shouldn’t be losing matches like this at this point in his career, but that’s Two-faced Tony for ya’. If you like the fundamentals of true tag grappling being adhered to, then you can yawn your way over yonder and enjoy this for all its Valium.

Match #7: (Main Event) The Butcher and The Blade def. Private Party

My Opinion: 2.9 out of 5 – The Ginshu Boys beat the snot of the Prissy Bunch like it was two-for-one in the Blue Light Special at K-Mart. I was impressed by the aggression here, much like my marriage to Loni Anderson. My lawyer has asked me to remind you I am lying about being married to Loni Anderson, but I don’t have to mean it. There’s not much to this match, but it is all thrilling, nonetheless.

Final Verdict: 2.8/5

This was inconsequential wrestling that won’t move the needle, but won’t bust it either. Goodbye dweebs and dweebettes…it’s been time served.

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