28th Jul2020

WWE Raw – July 27th 2020: Results & Review

by Nathan Favel

Welcome to this week’s Monday Night Raw review, right here on Nerdly. I’m Nathan Favel and Gloria Allred disappoints me when she wears any blue. Brewster McCloud was a goofy little shit that probably thinks that Mark Henry is the greatest high-flyer of all time. Well, we have a major Raw Women’s Title match between Asuka and Sasha Banks, which is in the great tradition of the famous feather-weight prize fight contested between Shooty McKnockers and Hootie McBoob. In the name of love (and pork grinds), let’s get…RAW.

Match #1: Andrade & Angel Garza def. The Viking Raiders and Ricochet & Cedric Alexander – Raw Tag Team Title Shot At SummerSlam

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

With Raw Tag Team Champions The Street Profits sitting ringside to scout the competition, three of the red brand’s toughest tag teams squared off for the right to challenge the titleholders at SummerSlam. At the apex of the fray, Ivar took out his own partner Erik, Ricochet and Alexander, allowing Garza to hit the Wing Clipper on Alexander for the victory. Andrade & Garza did not wait long to fire the first shot at the champions, ambushing Angelo Dawkins & Montez Ford at the announcers’ desk.

My Opinion: 3.4 out of 5 – This was an exciting romp up the bump scump that thumped my rump until it dumped some lumps on my gump. What the hell did I just say? Anyway, this was all action and thrilling action at that. You can expect a lot of hard-hits and remarkable dives from all involved, in addition to the numerous suplexes from the Raiders (they suck at football). Ricochet and Cedric did all of their usual fantastic leaps and kicks to help add to the melee, so you get that as well. All in all, this was a brisk opener that gained my interest for the rest of the card and for SummerSlam as well.

Match #2: Nia Jax vs. Shayna Baszler (Double Count-Out)

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

After their confrontation earlier in the evening, Nia Jax and Shayna Baszler were scheduled to go one-on-one. However, the ring could not contain their fury, resulting in a double count-out as the two Superstars brawled around ringside. Not even security, referees or WWE officials could stop the rampage, as Jax and Baszler disposed of them in ruthless fashion.

My Opinion: 0 out of 5 – This match never really got started and was just an angle, so screw this.

Match #3: Bobby Lashley def. Mustafa Ali

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

Mustafa Ali tried to capitalize on his successful return in this battle with The All Mighty. And while distractions from Akira Tozawa and his ninjas trying to dethrone Benjamin took Lashley off the ball momentarily, it was not enough to give Ali an opening for victory. The All Mighty exerted his will, applying his vicious Full Nelson to get the win.

My Opinion: 3 out of 5 – Lashley spent a long time smashing Ali in a marathon of a squash match that had Ali selling like crazy for his opponent…lesbian sea-gull.

Match #4: Sasha Banks def. Asuka – Raw Women’s Championship Match

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

The rules were clear in this bout: The Raw Women’s Championship could change hands by pinfall, submission, count-out, disqualification or if anyone interfered. Unfortunately, that was Asuka’s downfall. Bayley brutally attacked Kairi Sane backstage, forcing Asuka to make a difficult decision – stay and defend her title, or abandon the match and save her best friend. The Empress of Tomorrow opted to rush to her friend and tag team partner’s side, taking the count-out loss. Asuka’s decision ensured that The Boss would become “Two Belts Banks” as her and Bayley’s grip around Raw and SmackDown continued to tighten.

My Opinion: 4.1 out of 5 – I’m not sure of my final opinion of the finish for this, but it served a proper purpose of keeping Asuka strong and defined as a face while giving Banks the big victory. That first sentence is the end of my uncertainty, because the wrestling itself was great and grand, along the lines of a true epic. From the sound of the bell, these two leapt into battle. Everything here was like gravy in a spank factory, because the smacks packed a wallop, like the Cyborganizer during sweeps. So much happens here from second to second that you’ll be hard-pressed to keep track of it all…like Fredwardo, my lame yet sexy kid brother. Don’t ever ball-room dance and don’t miss this match.

Match #5: Murphy def. Humberto Carrillo

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

After being Stomped into the steel ring steps by Seth Rollins, Humberto Carrillo was out for payback on The Monday Night Messiah’s disciple. But after inflicting unspeakable punishment on Aleister Black earlier in the night, Murphy was locked in, and he countered a flying attack from Carrillo with Murphy’s Law to pick up the win.

My Opinion: 3.3 out of 5 – This was a fun match that…my daddy shoots people! Both of these guys went hold for hold until I was ever so pissed! Murphy smacked Carrillo around so hard that…shoe-fight! If you like seeing incredible action and some decent psychology to hold it all together, then tappa-tappa-tappa your assa-assa-assa to this matcha-matcha-matcha!

Match #6: (Main Event) Drew McIntyre def. Dolph Ziggler – Extreme Rules Match

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

After addressing Randy Orton’s SummerSlam challenge, Drew McIntyre revealed his stipulation for this rematch with Dolph Ziggler – an Extreme Rules Match, this time with the rules applying to both competitors. In a wild bout that saw tables, chairs and anything else within reach come into play, McIntyre sent Ziggler crashing through a table with a thunderous Claymore to get the three-count. But before McIntyre could revel in his victory, Randy Orton made good on his promise that the WWE Champion would never see an RKO coming, dropping McIntyre on the spot, upping the ante for their battle at SummerSlam.

My Opinion: 3.6 out of 5 – This was one big slam and strike after another that will gohoivan your gashmoivan into your gaho-nice lady! Drew and Dolph knocked the dixies out of each other…THE DIXIES!!!! This was a brawl through and through, with no one hitting the brakes no matter how fast this sucker moved…like the weasel matrix. Drew got booked to win an easy decision that made him look ruthless and cool at the same time, which is all a girl could ever want. I love you and this match kicked ass…because I hate you!

News Of The Night:

  1. Andrade and Angel Garza will challenge The Street Profits for the Raw Tag Titles at SummerSlam.
  2. Randy Orton will challenge Drew McIntyre for the WWE World Title at SummerSlam, because he wants to be champion and he was willing to attack Drew McIntyre at the end of the show to prove it.
  3. R-Truth and Akira Tozawa attempted to become 24/7 Champion, but failed.
  4. MVP tried to recruit Mustafa Ali into The Hurt Business.
  5. Seth Rollins made Murphy stab Aleister Black in the eye.

Final Verdict: 3.4/5

The wrestling made-up for the lame booking and the tame plans for SummerSlam.

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