30th Jun2020

WWE Raw – June 29th 2020: Results & Review

by Nathan Favel

Welcome to this week’s Monday Night Raw review, right here on Nerdly. I’m Nathan Favel and this is the NFL! Foot 42! Foot 42! Hiiiiiiiiiiiike! On this week’s episode of “Soap”, What’s-His-Face talks to the stupid puppet again while Jimmy-Boy looks in an issue of Playgirl to see some dong. Will Richard Mulligan appear on this show? Will this week’s Monday Night Raw be any good? The answers to those questions are: no, and…HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!! (no).

Match #1: Andrade & Angel Garza (with Zelina Vega) defeated The Viking Raiders

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

Erik & Ivar stopped Zelina Vega’s charges from attacking Big Show, but they could not overcome them inside the ring. Despite Andrade nearly walking out on the match, he and Garza were able to get back on the same page for a moment and pin Erik after Garza connected with the Wing Clipper to get the victory.

My Opinion: 3 out of 5 – This was a good bag of veggies. Hey, you gotta eat healthy. This match had some nutritious vitamins and minerals in it, but could’ve been a little fresher/crisper. Come to think of it, this was a bit mushy once you got past the tip of the carrot. Maybe some ranch dressing to dip it all in woulda helped? Maybe they should’ve just cooked this up into a stew instead? What the hell am I talking about? Wait…this match should have either gone longer or been allowed to be more intense/more action or gotten a stipulation added to sell this as a grudge. All in all, this was a nice plate of salad…match…damn it, I did it again!

Match #2: R-Truth defeated Akira Tozawa – 24/7 Championship Match

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

Despite the presence of Akira Tozawa’s ninjas at ringside, Truth pinned Tozawa after feigning a knee injury and got his baby back. Unfortunately for R-Truth, the ninjas have their eye on the 24/7 Championship, and they chased him out of the WWE Performance Center.

My Opinion: 0.7 out of 5 – This is…well, it went a minute and they hardly touched…like sex with my ex-wife.

Match #3: Seth Rollins & (Buddy) Murphy defeated Aleister Black & Humberto Carrillo

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

Once again, Aleister Black & Humberto Carrillo had the Mysterio family’s back, calling out Seth Rollins and his disciple Murphy for a tag team showdown. But this was The Monday Night Messiah’s night, as not only did he and Murphy emerge victorious, but Rollins sent a clear message to Rey Mysterio, placing one of his masks on Carrillo before ruthlessly stomping him into the steel ring steps.

My Opinion: 3.1 out of 5 – Going about ten minutes, there was enough wrestling in here to feel like something of interest was being offered, but not enough of it was offered to be considered a satisfying offering. Everybody worked hard here to make very little feel like an awful lot, in particular Carrillo, who had the mean streak going that he should be booked to have every week. That being said, the moves were standard WWE house style slam-and-bump that does damage to your back and your credibility (5 Moves Of Doom). At least these guys got to look cool for a little while. Brian Michael Bendis is just a bunch of stacked ducks in a rubber glove (dem some talented ducks [Wizard Magazine 1999 or some shit]) and this match was “Xena: Warrior Princess”. YALYALYALYALYALYALYALYALYAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Match #4: Peyton Royce (with Billie Kay) defeated Ruby Riott

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

While Ruby Riott was out to shut up The IIconics after their run-in earlier in the night, Peyton Royce succeeded in getting The IIconics back on track, picking up the victory with a devastating spinning brainbuster.

My Opinion: 2.1 out of 5 – Ruby carried Peyton through a slow, dull match that never went anywhere and had the wrong winner (just let Ruby fight for the title already) to end a short bout…of the sh*ts (Ruby’s cool though).

Match #5: Big Show defeated Andrade & Angel Garza (with Zelina Vega) – 1-on-2 Handicap Match

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

Although they received encouragement from Ric Flair, Andrade and Angel Garza could not stay on the same page for this battle. Despite Zelina Vega’s pleas, Garza walked out, leaving Andrade to fall victim to the KO Punch and Chokeslam, giving The World’s Largest Athlete a big win as he continues to hunt down Randy Orton.

My Opinion: 2.4 out of 5 – The wrestling was decent considering the circumstances, but the match itself was booked to just bury a team that had won a match earlier in the evening…a SQUAAAAAAAAAAAAASH!!!!!!!!!! I HATE SQUASHES!!!!!! DAMN IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hell, this was a long squash too! I’m so mad I could…pay my ex-wife that alimony! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!

Match #6: MVP (with Bobby Lashley) defeated Apollo Crews

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

United States Champion Apollo Crews was out to show that he doesn’t need MVP as a manager. MVP seemingly proved otherwise, as the veteran grappler got the victory over the champion in non-title action thanks to an assist from Bobby Lashley. The All Mighty leapt into the ring after the bell, locking the Full Nelson on Crews, but Ricochet and Cedric Alexander rushed to his aid, helping to break the fearsome hold.

My Opinion: 3 out of 5 – MVP is looking better and better every time he gets back into the ring and Crews is me if I didn’t suck at everything! A lot of this was just drop-kicks and power-slams, but it all felt pretty exciting for the brief time we got with it. I don’t like MVP winning, but I can live with Crews earning a victory over the evil master-mind rather than just smashing him to begin with. Plus, MVP needed some momentum to set him up as the manager that can deliver on what he promises. Okay, enough playing grab-ass…let’s go make a fill-im.

Match #7: Bobby Lashley (with MVP) defeated Ricochet (with Cedric Alexander)

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

Ricochet may have been able to stay one step ahead of The All Mighty for most of their battle, but once Bobby Lashley trapped him in the Full Nelson, there was no escape. For good measure, The All Mighty also locked Cedric Alexander in the powerful submission hold.

My Opinion: 3.2 out of 5 – Remember when Ricochet tore the house down in Lucha Underground? Remember when Ricochet got on ESPN with Will Ospreay (alleged perv protector) because of their New Japan match? Remember when Ricochet fought Brock Lesnar for the WWE World Title? Well…he’s dead…dead, dead, dead, dead, dead! Lashley squashed him to death and he’s dead! Both guys worked hard here and made the match as thrilling as they could…but Ricochet is dead, so who cares…because he’s dead! Vince McMahon sucks ass!

Match #8: (Main Event) Sasha Banks (with Bayley) & Dolph Ziggler defeated Asuka & Drew McIntyre

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

In a fiercely-contested Mixed Tag Team Match between the champions and challengers set to battle at Extreme Rules: The Horror Show, the challengers emerged victorious. Asuka nearly had Banks in the Asuka Lock, but The Boss slipped out of the hold, rolled over and pinned the Raw Women’s Champion to win the match for herself and The Showoff, putting the champions on their back foot as Extreme Rules draws near.

My Opinion: 3 out of 5 – This was decent, but nothing you wouldn’t catch on a house show card. Nobody did a bad job, but the match just felt like a snore, even when it was engaging. There’s some hard-hits given (like my ex-wife and her baseball bat upside my knucklehead), but nothing that made a mark (unlike my ex-wife’s baseball bat upside my knucklehead). Banks beating Asuka was the right way to go and… my ex-wife is here! Help m… (baldy gots a whoopin’ upside his knucklehead) Ex-Wife: This match sucked! There, now you can give me my money!

News of The Night:

  1. MVP is still feuding with Apollo Crews.
  2. Drew McIntyre called Dolph Ziggler a loser.
  3. Seth Rollins wants to sacrifice Rey Mysterio to save Raw or some dumb shit.
  4. Extreme Rules is now called The Horror Show…because it’s gonna suck (don’t steal that line…I’m gonna use it again).
  5. Ruby Riott is showing promise for her latest run as a face.
  6. Lana thinks Natalya is great.

Final Verdict: 2.6/5

Nathan is knocked out. I am his ex-wife! He said this show is a 2.6. It looked like it sucked, just like our marriage did. He’s such a pussy. Well, I’m gonna take his wallet and you’re not gonna say anything… Raw needs more wrestling on it if normal people like me are even going to take it seriously.

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