WWE Raw – Dec 23rd 2019: Results & Review
Welcome to this week’s Monday Night Raw review, right here on Nerdly. I’m Nathan Favel and the critics [not us – editor Phil] hate The Rise Of Skywalker more than real people hated The Last Jedi, because it wasn’t a pretentious Star Trek knock-off in disguise. I’m practically choking on the irony. Okay, let’s check in with Emperor McMahon and see if he tried to kill Stephanie and Shane because they have a Force Dyad. Hey, it’s in the damn movie. Also, Aaron Sorkin said that people don’t say “damn it” at the beginning of a sentence. Damn it, what the hell is he talking about?
Match #1: Kevin Owens def. Mojo Rawley – No Disqualification Match
The following is courtesy of wwe.com:
Hitting someone with a chair and slamming them through a table is, objectively, not going to get you on Santa’s good side. But let’s say Kevin Owens’ No Disqualification victory over Mojo Rawley splits the difference for St. Nick. After all, Rawley preceded the match by insulting Owens’ family and his weight, and Owens followed up the win by attempting to fight the good fight against Seth Rollins & AOP. Rawley fought an impressive fight, as his desire for retribution after being brutalized with a steel pipe supercharged the already energetic Superstar to a new gear. Owens answered in kind, with a Stunner and Pop-up Powerbomb through a table that put Mojo down.
My Opinion: 2.4 out of 5 – KO worked hard to make this exciting, but it wasn’t, so…Snoke was just a bunch of sun-dried Play-Doh.
Match #2: Bobby Lashley def. Cedric Alexander
The following is courtesy of wwe.com:
Bobby Lashley and Lana seem destined to win and win and win, right up until the minute they get to the altar. Not only did The All Mighty defeat Rusev in a Tables Match at WWE TLC to set up a sordid wedding with Lana, but the two-time Intercontinental Champion and his two-timing wife-to-be teamed up to thwart a surging Cedric Alexander in the week before their wedding. Right as Alexander was starting to roll, Lana got into the ring and launched into a diatribe that could best be described as unhinged. In the hopes of stopping Alexander from bruising Lashley, she unsuccessfully petitioned for the contest to be reconfigured into a Greco-Roman wrestling match, but the rant gave Lashley the chance to recover. Alexander simply refused to stay down, fighting to thwart a Spear with a basement dropkick. Cedric’s attempt to go high missed its mark, though, as Lashley dodged the springboard, caught Alexander in a pop-up chokeslam and pivoted with a Spear to earn the win and send himself down the altar on a high note. Slightly bruised, perhaps, but no worse for wear.
My Opinion: 3.4 out of 5 – This got cut off by commercials, but they tried and it worked when they actually kept the camera on these guys.
Match #3: Drew McIntyre def. Zack Ryder
The following is courtesy of wwe.com:
With a successful toy drive under his belt, Zack Ryder is as close to Santa Claus as the WWE Universe is likely to get. Drew McIntyre, then, is his Grinch. The former NXT Champion absolutely brutalized The Ultimate Broski on Raw, slapping Ryder across the face and driving him spine-first into the apron and the barricade. Ryder fought back with an attempt at a dropkick, but McIntyre reversed into a powerbomb and let fly with a Christmas Claymore to win the match. In the wake of his victory, McIntyre blasted Curt Hawkins with a Claymore of his own, took hold of the mic and declared that 2020 would belong to him. And to all a good night.
My Opinion: 1.6 out of 5 – The string of squash matches begins. Damn it, this sucks. Hey Aaron, did you catch that idiot?
Match #4: Aleister Black def. Deonn Rusman
The following is courtesy of wwe.com:
The Dutch Destroyer dropped Deonn Rusman like a rock with Black Mass just seconds into the match.
My Opinion: 1.3 out of 5 – Somebody pressed “x” a bunch of times and got the Christian character unlocked. That’s how you do it. Squashes suck ass. Damn it, stop booking these. Hey Aaron, it happened again, idiot.
Match #5: Buddy Murphy def. Joeasa
The following is courtesy of wwe.com:
Murphy emerged as Black went up the ramp, marched to the ring and leveled Joeasa with a jumping knee and Murphy’s Law.
My Opinion: 1.3 out of 5 – Damn it, this was another squash. Hey Aaron, are you catching these or is your head still stuck up your ass?
Match #6: Ricochet def. Tony Nese
The following is courtesy of wwe.com:
Tony Nese is built like a boulder with legs, but you will believe a muscleman can fly watching The Premiere Athlete go move-for-move with Ricochet in a match that was as furious as it was fast and very nearly ended in an upset victory for the Long Island native. Picking on Ricochet was a smart move for Nese since the former United States Champion has been mired in a bit of a slump and was visibly off his game in the early goings. But he turned it around in a flash, catching Nese with the Recoil and reversing his fortunes in a matter of seconds. The look on his face said it all: Now that’s more like it.
My Opinion: 1.9 out of 5 – These squash matches are squashing my brain. Damn it, stop squashing my head! Hey Aaron, are you always this full of s—?
Match #7: Charlotte Flair def. Chelsea Green
The following is courtesy of wwe.com:
There wasn’t a tag team partner in sight when Charlotte Flair made her return to singles competition while draped in a regal, snow-white robe and mangled the limbs of NXT transplant Chelsea Green, looking to show what she could do in a surprise appearance against the 10-time champion. Green fared about as well as fellow NXT Superstar Deonna Purrazzo did against Asuka last week, which is to say she landed a few hits but was outmatched. After an impressive ground-and-pound game from Chelsea, Flair roared back with a barrage of chops, a big boot and finally, the Figure-Eight to end the match. There’s no doubt The Queen appreciated the competition, but as with any monarch, there are limits to her generosity.
My Opinion: 2 out of 5 – I’ve pissed longer than this match lasted. Damn it, this s— is pissing me off. Hey Aaron, are you pissed that this keeps happening, or that your first movie was just as dull as a Joss Whedon movie?
Match #8: The O.C. def. The Viking Raiders & Randy Orton
The following is courtesy of wwe.com:
Those mother-lovers did it again. The O.C. got even with Randy Orton and widened the gap with The Viking Raiders even further in one fell swoop, handing The Viper and the Vikings a demoralizing loss in a Six-Man Tag Team Match. If there was one key factor, it was the cohesion of the good brothers against the common-cause convenience of Orton, Erik & Ivar. That unity was never more apparent than in the final moments of the match, when The O.C. overwhelmed The Viking Raiders and forced them to tag in Orton, who had been competing on a tweaked knee all night. When The Viper began to roll against AJ Styles, Luke Gallows & Karl Anderson sacrificed themselves, willingly taking RKOs so The Phenomenal One could rally and finally execute the Phenomenal Forearm that secured the team the victory. And sure, you could call this a fluke or a lucky turn of events. You might not be wrong. But after a few weeks of this, it’s looking more and more likely that Orton and The Viking Raiders will head into the holiday and face a simple truth: Like all the single mothers across this great land of ours, The O.C. has their number.
My Opinion: 3.3 out of 5 – Damn it, this was better than most of the show, because it actually appeared on camera and did so for more than a minute. Hey Aaron, it keeps happening. Are you sure people don’t use “damn it” at the beginning of sentences?
Match #9: Erick Rowan def. Travis Horn
The following is courtesy of wwe.com:
What do you get the man who has everything — or at least a weird, covered-up cage that nobody has ever seen the inside of? If you’re local competitor/human sacrifice Travis Horn, you get Erick Rowan a candy cane. Not the worst idea since Rowan was momentarily cowed by the peace offering, but when Horn tried to give more candy to the cage, the big man snapped and beat him with two Iron Claws in quick succession. Oddly enough, he didn’t seem to disagree with the local’s idea in principle, slipping a candy cane to whatever is in the pen as he made his exit. In practice, however, the message was once again reinforced. Whatever’s in there, it’s for Rowan’s eyes only.
My Opinion: 0.2 out of 5 – Damn it, this squash sucked. Hey Aaron, wanna take a Mulligan out on this next one in case it happens again? Also, Chuck Berry wants to play with your Ding-A-Ling.
Match #10: Rusev def. No Way Jose
The following is courtesy of wwe.com:
How is Rusev liking the bachelor life? Turns out, he’s a natural. In the wake of his divorce from Lana, The Bulgarian Brute was living it up, flirting with sign-waving admirers at ringside and merrily beating up No Way Jose despite the latter’s attempt to get him to dance. Even the Machka Kick that put Jose down for three was just a momentary burst of aggression in an otherwise happy (Rusev) day. The Super Athlete picked Jose up off the ground after the match, did a Spinaroonie, danced with the conga line and boogied back up the ramp. If this is how happy he is today, imagine how he’ll feel next week after Lana is out of his hair for good.
My Opinion: 1.1. out of 5 – This was a squash. Damn it, Donna Summer is hot. Hey Aaron, do you think Donna Summer is hot?
Match #11: (Main Event) Rey Mysterio def. Seth Rollins – WWE United States Title Match (Disqualification)
The following is courtesy of wwe.com:
Seth Rollins said last week that he was challenging Rey Mysterio for the United States Championship as part of his bid for “dominance.” But you don’t need to be champion to be dominant. All you need is to set an example — a lesson that was harshly learned by Mysterio and, surprisingly, Samoa Joe. The first domino to fall was Mysterio, who was ambushed by AOP right as he seemed likely to defeat Rollins to retain his title, leading to a disqualification victory. Rollins, Akam & Rezar dragged Mysterio up the ramp for a trip through the commentary table, but Joe stayed put, issuing a warning that if he did get up from his chair, it wouldn’t be to move.
The Architect, seemingly intent on focusing his group’s intentions on Mysterio alone, attempted to cool things down with Joe, seemingly agreeing to leave him be. But when he turned, he issued a single command to AOP — “finish it” — that prompted an all-out attack on The Samoan Submission Machine, who was driven through the announce table while Mysterio was dropped with a Stomp. And that’s how Seth Rollins ended Raw. He wasn’t the United States Champion, but there wasn’t a soul in the building who could question his dominance.
My Opinion: 3.4 out of 5 – This was good for the brief time it got, but since this was going to be shut down before it could really rev its engines, they never bothered putting the key in the ignition. Damn it, this had promise, but it never had the chance to be the match it could have, which is a shame, since this was the first time this dream match ever happened (that I know of). Hey Aaron, why is it your dialogue always sounds like you ripped it off from Quentin Tarantino’s assistant?
Final Verdict: 2.3/5
This was typical Christmas Raw, where nothing new happened and everything that was on its way is still coming, but just not this week. Most of the matches accomplished nothing and just created a glut of bupkus that practically busted this show into a Donald Trump speech about whatever dumb idea he woke up with that day. Why not just book some nice matches that go for a while, at least since this show is a freebie in Vince’s mind? Then again, Dr. Dink is the kind of medical professional who prescribes anti-biotics for death. Hey, Aaron Sorkin wrote that one. See? You idiot, they hated it. Damn it, you suck s—. Yeah? Shove it “The West Wing”! Anyway, Merry Christmas, which here means Happy Holidays, so don’t start with me. Damn it, just have a good time. Hey Aaron, did you shove it yet?
