03rd Dec2019

WWE Raw – Dec 2nd 2019: Results & Review

by Nathan Favel

Welcome to this week’s Monday Night Raw review, right here on Nerdly. I’m Nathan Favel and this show sucked. Plug your nose, bite your lip and get ready to give this Hell, because it’s not gonna be pretty. Also…WAZAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUP!!!!!!!!!!!

2018-raw-logo

Match #1: Kevin Owens def. Bobby Lashley (Disqualification)

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

It’s hard to know who got the worst of what began as a Kevin Owens vs. Bobby Lashley match but soon turned into a two-on-one beatdown and ended in a dual arrest. It’s fair to say that Owens was certainly worse off at the end of the bout, which saw AOP ambush him in the middle of the action. Owens won via disqualification, but Akam & Rezar concluded the beatdown by dragging him out of the arena.

My Opinion: 2.5 out of 5 – This match never had a chance to get going like it should. Who wastes Kevin Owens/Steen and Bobby Lashley on less than ten minutes with a DQ finish? What’s that? It’s a rhetorical question? No s—? I feel like Debra Messing chugging Crisco down her throat because Will and Grace has been cancelled…again.

Match #2: Drew McIntyre def. Akira Tozawa

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

McIntyre outlasted a persistent Akira Tozawa.

My Opinion: 2.3 out of 5 – This match lasted about as long as the sentence wwe.com provided for it on the website.

Match #3: Aleister Black def. Tony Nese

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

Aleister Black toppled a very, very game Tony Nese on Raw in a match that that ended with a Black Mass to the chiseled jaw of The Premier Athlete.

My Opinion: 2.3 out of 5 – Same s— as the last two.

Match #4: Andrade def. Eric Young

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

From one continuing display of dominance to another, Andrade added to his still-growing winning streak with yet another victory, this time over Eric Young. And while Young mustered up a fair amount of hometown magic against the former NXT Champion in the form of a gorgeous top-rope elbow drop and a wheelbarrow neckbreaker, Andrade dodged Young’s second attempt at the elbow and quickly put the match away with his running double knees and the Hammerlock DDT.

My Opinion: 2.7 out of 5 – Better than the others, this was still way too short to blabadblabadablbadablbablablbalbdblbdlabdlabdlabldbaldbaldbaldbaldbaaldbadlba. How many times do I have to repeat the same bull-s— in one review? This feels like the start to a bad joke. So much for Eric Young being Total Non-Stop Action World Champion.

Match #5: Kyle Busch def. R-Truth – 24/7 Championship Match

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

Not to be outdone, however, 2019 NASCAR Champion Kyle Busch notched a WWE victory of his own when he pinned 24/7 Champion R-Truth (Busch’s seatmate Michael Waltrip served as the ref), leading to a title change that was unexpected even by the standards of WWE’s most chaotic title.

My Opinion: 0 out of 5 – Blow me. This was the same non-wrestling s— as all of the other 24/7 matches.

Match #6: Erick Rowan def. No Way Jose

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

There are few Superstars who are quite as polar opposites as Erick Rowan and No Way Jose. One’s a dancer, one simply destroys people. One boasts a flamboyant conga line, and the other carries around a mysterious pen covered with a filthy burlap sack. And, more relevant to wins and losses, one is simply on something of a tear and the other is not. All of which is a roundabout way of saying that Rowan decimated Jose, motivated by the conga line’s attempt to peek under the burlap cover to see what he’s carrying. That The Dominican Dancing Machine was willing to throw hands with the former Tag Team Champion is certainly worthy of respect, but the effort ended just like it did for all the locals Rowan has feasted on the past few weeks. Iron Claw, 1-2-3, and a wide berth from Rowan’s pen, the contents of which remain as mysterious as ever.

My Opinion: 1.4 out of 5 – Pumba! Stop grabbing Simba’s ass! Disney will toss us out on the street like Cinderella on a crack bender if we screw this picture up. I’m watching “The Lion King: Uncensored”. I forget that TalkTech picks up any-thing in the background. Oh…this match sucked.

Match #7: The Kabuki Warriors def. Charlotte Flair – 1-on-2 Handicap Match

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

It’s not unreasonable for Charlotte Flair to think she could take The Kabuki Warriors singlehandedly in a Handicap Match. After all, there are few Superstars with the kind of credibility of the 10-time Women’s Champion. But her eyes might have been bigger than her stomach on this one. More to the point, she didn’t keep them where they should have been, allowing the WWE Women’s Tag Team Champions to win the two-on-one match in cruel fashion. Charlotte was justifiably focused on Asuka in the deciding moments, looking to serve up some payback to The Empress of Tomorrow for spraying her twice in two nights with the green mist. And while The Queen applied the Figure-Eight to her longtime rival, Flair completely forgot about Kairi Sane, who had tagged in unbeknownst to The Queen and soared with an InSane Elbow as Charlotte applied the submission hold. The impact flattened Flair and easily earned the three-count. So Charlotte’s woes increase, and The Kabuki Warriors pick up a victory that Charlotte mistakenly thought was hers to lose. Sure, she’s The Queen, but there’s still only one of her.

My Opinion: 3.5 out of 5 – This was…quite good, for a match that should never have happened. Why was one person booked to be so strong over a tag team? Triple H syndrome has struck the roster again. The action was strong stuff from bell to bell, but like Laverne and Shirley, this had an ugly-ass face. I think I’m gonna hurl. In any case, this was a fine match that should have gone the other way with who was dominating it.

Match #8: The Viking Raiders def. Mark Sterling & Mitchell Lyons

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

The Viking Raiders were feeling a certain kind of way on Monday. There’s no other explanation for the savage beating they put on the two locals who were unlucky enough to step into their path on Raw. Poor Mark Sterling & Mitchell Lyons were disintegrated in short order, and Erik & Ivar wanted to make sure the message was received. “Are you watching?” they screamed at the camera every chance they got. Safe to say, the answer was likely yes, if only because the one thing that is more difficult than watching an obliteration this thorough is to look away.

My Opinion: 1.6 out of 5 – Squash tastes like s—. Why is there so much squash in this day and age? Where’s the steak? I want steak!

Match #9: (Main Event) The O.C. def. Rey Mysterio, Ricochet & Humberto Carrillo

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

Even though they were in the ring with Rey Mysterio, Humberto Carrillo & Ricochet, The O.C. made it very clear the guy they wanted to send a message to was Randy Orton. Ironically, The Viper himself was the one who got the last word on the official, original, and only club that matters. Before that, though, AJ Styles, Luke Gallows & Karl Anderson racked up a truly thrilling victory against three men who are about as close to superheroes as you’re ever likely to see. Despite the combined aerial attacks of Ricochet, Carrillo and Mysterio, it was Ricochet who found himself caught in an avalanche Styles Clash from the Phenomenal One that sealed the match.

My Opinion: 3.8 out of 5 – This was a fabulous match. This went for a good chunk of time and had plenty of great wrestling maneuvers from six very talented athletes. What took this show so long to provide a pain-free match?

News Of The Night:

  1. Randy Orton seems to be feuding with AJ Styles, Drew McIntyre and, possibly, Ricochet.
  2. Bobby Lashley and Lana were arrested by the police because of the cop being a fan/racial profiling.
  3. AOP attacked Kevin Owens, again.
  4. AOP might be joining Seth Rollins as his bodyguards.

Final Verdict: 2.2/5

Two excellent matches couldn’t save this clunker from sucking more ass than Lynn Whitfield at a “For Your Consideration” party.

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