‘Speed Train’ VOD Review

Stars: Scout-Taylor Compton, Nicky Whelan, Liana Ramirez, Jade Patteri, Oliver Masucci, Louis Mandylor, Devanny Pinn | Written by Ryan Francis, Judah Ray | Directed by Ryan Francis

To put it simply, Speed Train is the film The Asylum would’ve churned out to cash in on Bullet Train – if they hadn’t already accidentally knocked off the 1975 Japanese film of the same name starring Sonny Chiba instead of the Brad Pitt film! And because nothing in this cinematic chimaera ever stops at one homage, we also get a sprinkling of Con Air for good measure. Yes, Speed Train lifts the core idea from that 1975 film (famously re-recycled in Speed) and then tosses in AI, convicts, and… hero hacker cheerleaders. Sure. Why not. Cinema is dead; long live cinema.

If that all sounds bizarre, it absolutely is. Speed Train is a genre smoothie blended on maximum chaos, an oddball mashup of inspirations, knock-offs, and half-remembered studio pitches that somehow results in one of the most deliriously messy films I have watched in a long time.

The story takes place aboard the titular train, which is somehow transporting both prisoners and regular passengers because health and safety laws apparently do not exist in this universe. Almost everyone onboard, even the civilians, has been fitted with a “brain-op” chip, a futuristic implant that lets people live their lives without passports, money, or any of those pesky things that make society function. You may detect faint whiffs of the UK’s Digital ID debate or Japan’s social credit wave in there, though the film is far more interested in yelling “TECHNOLOGY BAD!” than exploring any deeper meaning.

Naturally, the train gets hijacked, and the prisoners’ AI-controlled implants switch into full murder mode, freeing them to maim, slice, and generally ruin everyone’s commute… Oh, did I mention that they’re effectively rage-robots, controlled by the rich in some twisted VR-meets-reality way? And the only ones who can stop the carnage? Cheerleaders. Hacker cheerleaders. Backed by their soldier-turned-coach, an Interpol agent on his way home, and a handful of bewildered passengers who definitely did not sign up for this when they booked tickets.

Visually, the film gives us train interiors that look like every other “generic futuristic corridor” you’ve seen in low-budget sci-fi movies before. Every capsule is the same, just lit slightly differently to trick you into thinking the train has more than one room. It doesn’t. By the third scene you’ll swear the production crew just spun the set 90 degrees and called it a new location. And the action… oh, the action. Imagine a stage fight choreographed by people who’ve never choreographed anything before, let alone a fight. Punches miss, kicks stall mid-air, and every fall looks like the performers landed on a cushion rather than a hard train floor.

Characterisation is equally glorious in its disbelief-suspending madness. We get a medley of background characters who feel as though they were generated by an AI trained on nothing but comic book covers and other low-budget action movies (seems apt). One bitchy character, played by Karmel Bortoleti, is gifted more screentime than that character should EVER have been allowed, while another character is clearly meant to be comedic relief but instead triggers that feeling you get when your aunt tells a joke at Christmas and you just stare at the floor in embarrassment. With the latter, you have to ask, did anyone involved with this film even ask, “Is this funny?” Because it’s not.

And somehow, despite everything… the film’s biggest mistake? It refuses to lean into camp. You have cheerleaders battling AI maniacs on a digital-ID dystopian death train. This should be camp as Christmas. This should be the Showgirls of sci-fi action movies. Instead, Francis and co. play it straight, like everyone believes they are delivering high drama rather than turning into a fever dream you’d have after eating dodgy dinner on the Eurostar. Hell, even Brad Pitt knew Bullet Train was camp and leaned into it – and if you can’t take inspiration from him, then who can you take it from?

However, in the end, Speed Train is still nonsense; it is still chaotic. And even though the movie keeps pretending it’s above silliness, the film ends up being gloriously daft, wonderfully camp, and exactly the kind of bonkers cinematic misadventure you only appreciate once your brain stops fighting it. A real Friday night fun flick.

**½  2.5/5

Speed Train is available on digital platforms now.