Nerdly » ‘Bikini Nuns’ VOD Review

04th Dec2025

‘Bikini Nuns’ VOD Review

by Phil Wheat

Stars: Chrissie Wunna, Anna Rakhvalova, Clara Legallais-Moha, Christopher Kouros, Nick Field, Joseph Heaps, Brynmor Leyshon, Dimitrios Pantos | Written by Alessandro Di Giuseppe | Directed by Sushank Kini

Champdog Films – long-time purveyors of micro-budget British genre mayhem – are back at it again. But this time they’re swerving away from another horror sequel or a fresh slice of public-domain nightmare fuel. Instead, they’ve arrived with Bikini Nuns. Yes, Bikini Nuns… You didn’t misread that.

If you’ve not kept up with the UK’s straight-to-streaming ecosystem, you might’ve missed the rise of Chrissie Wunna. Probably best known for popping up in the wave of public-domain shockers like Winnie the Pooh: Blood & Honey 2, Cinderella’s Curse, and Peter Pan’s Neverland Nightmare, as well as playing the “sultry” lead in numerous direct-to-streaming British genre films, she’s quietly reinvented herself as a bona fide action lead. That transformation is thanks largely to The Escapee franchise, steered by Champdog’s own Louisa Warren, who is the producer behind Bikini Nuns!

Bikini Nuns follows three sisters of the cloth – Mary (Wunna), Eva (Legallais-Moha) and Sarah (Rakhvalova) – who are dispatched by the stern Priest Robert Grey (Kouros) to uncover who ordered a brutal orphanage massacre in 1992. Mary carries flashes of the incident, though the film never decides whether she was stationed there at the time or one of the surviving children. Does it matter? Not really. The plot exists purely to give the trio a reason for revenge.

And, of course, their targets just have to be men. How else would our titular bikini-clad nuns employ the franchise-friendly tactic of seduction-as-distraction? Still, you’d think a group of nuns might rely on something other than stripping to get information. Guilt, moral authority, the “trust me, I’m holy” routine. Father Dowling managed it perfectly well back in the day; you’d hope these three could too.

Written by Alessandro Di Giuseppe, the same writer who resurrected Champdog’s Leprechaun saga with Leprechaun: The Beginning, Bikini Nuns is directed by first-timer Sushank Kini. Or at least, “first-timer” in the way many of these credits tend to be. Let’s be honest: despite the filmmakers’ protests, Champdog/Proportion/Jagged Edge productions have a long, colourful history of hiding writers, directors, and producers behind pseudonyms, whether it’s to dodge paperwork or simply avoid being publicly tied to a film they know is… well, not their finest hour.

Kini could genuinely be a newcomer given a shot at their debut feature – and if that’s the case, fair play. But if they are stepping into the director’s chair for real, the next step should be finding their own voice rather than echoing every familiar Champdog quirk that came before.

Speaking of what came before, Bikini Nuns walks into some surprisingly large Jesus slippers. Back in 2011, we got what many consider the modern high-water mark of action-driven nunsploitation – but let’s be honest, the Italians still perfected the real stuff in the ’70s and early ’80s – with Nude Nuns with Big Guns. That film was a full-throttle love letter to grindhouse cinema: scrappy budget, rough-edged performances, and gloriously sleazy ambition wrapped up in a package that felt like it had been dug straight out of a forgotten repertory theatre. It’s a tough act for any new entry in the subgenre to follow.

And Bikini Nuns fails at every stage.

Kini’s film often plays like one of those old Playboy Video interludes where models cycled through costumes to the sultry wail of a saxophone. Honestly, it probably should’ve matched their runtime too. Bikini Nuns is stuffed, aggressively, with padding: endless scenes of each nun stripping down after a mission, dressing up before the next one, and, in what feels like a contractual obligation to justify the title, lounging around or splashing in a pool conveniently located inside their church. It’s less narrative progression and more a rotating showcase of costume changes masquerading as plot.

And that’s the real issue. After the umpteenth sequence of nuns getting in and out of outfits (with zero actual nudity, which is surprising given Wunna’s previous willingness to go all-in on that front), the whole thing slips into outright tedium. I came in expecting cheeky, full-throttle exploitation; what I got was the cinematic equivalent of watching someone filming a ‘get ready with me’ video – but with guns and a less emotional payoff.