16th Nov2021

Opinionated: Tony Khan – The Man And His Dreams… Of Himself

by Nathan Favel

It’s been a while since I’ve written anything for Nerdly. I stopped writing the reviews because I became a jerk. Now, I have to give credit to these wrestling promotions for giving me enough to be upset about. How can so many of these promotions book so many promos and nonsense? Have they ever asked the general public if they even want to see this stuff? Have they asked the wrestling fans? See? I’m already turning into a jerk just getting a whiff of the stuff I used to cover. The leagues I used to cover had some great matches, but it always seemed like the various promoters just didn’t understand what makes wrestling fun to watch. WWE, MLW, ROH, IMPACT, AEW…AEW. That’s actually what this article is about. Tony Khan…what the…something flying over the house. TalkTech…activate surround speakers. Jonjo: Okeydokey! I’mma com-pu-tore! Me: Is that a spacesh… Jonjo: It’sa comiyin down, Scooby-Dooby Brown! Me: Ummmmm… Woingo Toingo: GAGUIJBHIJHJKJHJJJ!!!!!! Me: Ummmmmm… Woingo: Excuse my mistakening! I forgot to set the translator for…hu-mon! Agg! Agg! Agg! Me: Ummmm…. Woingo: I have come here in my Farlathian Cruiser to seek your help! My people, the Mugathalagosians, have been conqured by the Venguthok and their mighty leader, Borakator The Doom-Seer! Borakator seeks to use the Khuzaraq, our living brain-puter, to learn the secret of how to claim dominion over existence itself. Me: Uh…why are you telling me this? Woingo: We need your help, because of your reviews of the…rass-ling! Agg! Agg! Agg! Your stupid, moron, idiot reviews are the only way to tardify Borakator’s mind while he is melded to the Khuzaraq! Me: I don’t review wrestling anymore. Woingo: You must! The universe is dependent on your dip-s–tery! Please help us! Me: Well, I’ll need the TalkTech program in my computer. It records everything I do in real-time… Woingo: Assimilated! Me: Assimilated? Jonjo: I’mma spaceship! Honk! Woingo: Please come with us! Review the rass-ling! Save the universe! Me: Fine. I’ll help you…as long as I don’t have to do anything. Woingo: Fawn-tax-tix! Agg! Agg! Agg! Please board the ship! Me: Alright. Alright. Keep your baba in a yaga. Wait…stupid?! What do you mean stupid?!

Me: So. This is space. Woingo: It’s bitchin’! Agg! Agg! Agg! Me: What do you do when space, bad, people…don’t attack you? Woingo: Women’s clothes! Me: Ummmmm…okay. Woingo: Our people have guarded the planet of Chorp since the dawn of the Third Revolution. We saw the greed of the universe get all up in our asses! Species from all corners of existence sought to commandeer Chorp for their own and use the Khuzaraq for their own nefarious purposes. The pursuit of great power has driven so many to attempt to take the power of the Khuzaraq for their own, but none besides Borakator and the Venguthok have ever achieved so vile a goal. Now, with the Khuzaraq, Borakator will merge his mind with it and have all knowledge of time and space. The Venguthok have the means to aid Borakator in his endeavor to conquer life itself. Now, we will use your rass-ling reviews to stupidificate the Khuzaraq so that when he merges with it, he will be rendered inert. We will remove him from the planet and and cleanse the Khuzaraq of your rass-ling c–kblowery, therby saving all of existence! Me: What do you mean stupid?! Woingo: Agg! Agg! Agg! Me: Don’t make me break my foot off’n yo ass! Jonjo: Planet in range! Hyuck! Me: Shove it pal! Woingo: Crew! Prepare the pod! Me: Holy s–t! There were other people here the whole f–kin’ time?! Woingo: Agg! Agg! Agg! Me: When this is all over, I’m gonna kick your ass! Woingo: Please enter the pod. It shall take you to the Khuzaraq. We will launch an attack upon Borakator’s forces to give you a clear path to the surface. Me: What happens when I get there? Woingo: Exit the pod and start review some of the rass-ling. This will draw the energy from the Khuzaraq, as it will be too taxing to listen to your instupidable babbling. Me: Hey! Pound sand up your ass, asshole! Woingo: The pod shall now take you the Khuzaraq! Me: Great. Just what I always wanted. Now I can wax poetic with a big, gooey calculator that is getting picked on by the captain of the football team. Yeah. Why would I wanna go to dinner or the movies or bed with a beautiful woman when I can do this s–t?! Yeah! I’m ready to f–kin’ go! Woingo: Acksallent! Me: You guys don’t get sarcasm very much. Woingo: Good luck! Me: Yeah. Thanks. Jonjo: Hatch closed! Me: Ow! Watch the wang! Jonjo: Wobble dobble doo! Me: I’ll wobble dobble doo you, you hillbilly type-’em-up! Ahhhhhhhh!!!!!!!! Woingo: May your journey prove fruitful for us all! Launch the attack!

Jonjo: Ship has a-landed! Me: I puked all over myself the entire way down. I’m covered in puke! Jonjo: Door opening! Me: It’s in my shoes! Borakator: Who are you? Me: Oh. You’re right here already. I didn’t realize we just went through the fricken front door when we entered this over-sized pork-chop. Bora: Why are you here? I’m here to…tell you why Tony Khan is an idiot and that’s okay! Bora: Who? Me: Some rich kid who looks like he got thrown in a locker in high school and just stayed in there. Bora: If you have come to stop me, then you will be destroyed! Me: Stop you? No! I’m here to tell you about Tony Khan and his big, dumb mouth and why it isn’t the end of the world! You see, a few days ago, Tony Khan was holding a press conference to discuss all things AEW (All Elite Wrestling). One person, a woman, asked Tony if he planned to contribute a women’s wrestling card of his own in the wake of both IMPACT Wrestling and the National Wrestling Alliance holding their own women’s wrestling events. Tony, who heard the whole question, said that he was cutting her off, which is impossible, because she had already finished the question. Tony, instead of answering the question, decided that he needed to tell everyone that he paid the AEW wrestlers that were on the NWA card and that the NWA was supposed to give him credit for paying the women from AEW a bonus for being on the card. Now, Tony kept talking about this, because this was clearly what the lady was asking about. Why did Tony take the this opportunity to not answer her question and just go on and on about how great he is and how he’s owed for all the things he’s done? I mean…it’s because he’s an asshole. The AEW fan-base didn’t like people correctly identifiying that Tony was being a jerk for saying all of that ego-drenched bull so much that you couldn’t be blamed for forgetting what the lady’s question even was. Hell, I almost forgot what the hell she was talking about. What would possess someone to let their ego take over the mouth and just go on and on Well, the people that have been kissing his ass for creating a wrestling promotion that they like is one reason why Tony’s ego has gone wild. Then again, Tony becoming a dick-head is ultimately his fault. Tony Khan appears to be a stuck-up prick. Where does that leave those of us that watch AEW in any level of frequency? Should we stop watching AEW because Tony’s a putz? I’m not going to stop watching the matches Tony books. Sure, a lot of what he books is lousy, but more often than not, AEW has some big matches that do well and are infinitely more interesting and entertaining than in the WWE, which is a promotion run by another asshole, named Vince McMahon. I don’t like either Vince or Tony. That being said, I watch matches from both leagues, because I like wrestlers and their matches. I’m not interested in the promoters of these wrestling companies. I don’t need to like Tony to like AEW. As far as I’m concerned, Tony Khan can drop dead for all I care. I’m here for matches. You got matches? I’ll watch. I don’t care about the promoter feeling adequately praised. F–k you and the horse you rode in on. So, what of the wrestling fans that vouch for anything Tony Khan says, no matter how stupid it is? The AEW fans need to stop blowing Tony Khan. Stop being so happy to have the company that you approve of everything its owner does. Tony Khan doesn’t need to be great for AEW to be worth watching. Tony Khan ia a jerk. AEW is great to have around. Both of those a true. So what if Tony Khan is a prick? How is that different than any other wrestling boss out there? As long as the wrestlers I’m watching are decent folk, then I’m fine. I’d rather have a nice person running AEW, but we have the passive-aggressive asshole instead. I made my peace with that some time ago and the AEW fanatics need to understand that. Tony Khan is full of himself and that’s not our fault. We’re just wrestling fans. Until Tony Khan starts doing things that are illegal, then Tony Khan is not going anywhere, unless Shad Khan pulls the funding. Oh well. So, if there is anyone out there who has heard Tony Khan say the stupid s–t he said and still wants to support AEW…go for it. That being said, just remember that you owe Tony Khan nothing just because he has brought you a wrestling league you like. You have paid Tony Khan with your time and money. There you go. Watch the matches and move on with your life. Borakator: My…brain…hurts…wrestling…Tony…ow. Me: Huh. He had a heart attack. I guess I talked too much about Tony Khan. Tony Khan: There’s never enough time to talk about all of the things that I do for others! Me: Oh God! The evil’s here! Ummm…your booking is meager at best. Tony: Ahhhhhhhh!!!!!! (explodes) Me: Okay. Now we can leave.

Woingo: Welcome back to the ship! Me: Thanks. Woingo: You have saved the universe! Your stupid rass-ling review has saved us all! Agg! Agg! Agg! Me: That reminds me…WHAM! Woingo: I have been punched by the hero! Me: Well, that’s the end of the article. I’m Nathan Favel, this is Nerdly and I’ll see you next time.


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