‘Impact Wrestling’ Review (Sept 30th 2021)

Welcome to this week’s Impact Wrestling review, right here on Nerdly. I’m Nathan Favel and I have returned from the desert of Arabia. I promised Damascus and I have delivered…bologna! AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! Boy, I sure could bugger a monkey right now. A Monkey: OOOOOOOOO AH AH AH AH AH AH!!!!!!!! Me: Come here, you hairy love-machine! A Monkey: OOOOOOOOO AH AH AH AH AH AH!!!!!!!! Me: Come he… BANG! The Real Me: I would never go to Arabia! I once had a man tell me to sweep their deserts clean and my failure has left me to ashamed to return! Fake Me: Snake MaGinsky’s Harley parts the dusty heat! Me: Et tu, Brutus…et tu. BANG! Come A Monkey! We have a show to review! A Monkey: OOOOOOOOO AH AH AH AH AH AH!!!!!!!! Me: Of course you can slap his butt! A Monkey: OOOOOOOOO AH AH AH AH AH AH!!!!!!!! SLAP! Me: Impact starts now!

[Author’s Note: Rich Swann and Moose, who were both accused of spousal abuse, are on this show and if that alarms or upsets you, then viewer discretion is advised].

Match #1: Trey Miguel def Laredo Kid & Alex Zayne – X-Division Title Tournament, Winner Advances to Bound For Glory

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

The winner of this three-way match will advance to Bound For Glory to compete for the vacant X-Division Title! It’s a stalemate in the opening moments as all three men narrowly miss in-sync dropkicks. Zayne puts his unique offense on display as he hits Trey with a Shooting Star senton. Trey soars over the top rope, then sends Laredo crashing to the floor with a Hurricanrana. Moments later, Zayne hits a springboard Moonsault to the outside. Trey traps Zayne with a Cheeky Nandos Kick, followed by a 619. Matthew Rehwoldt is seen watching the match from the back and it appears as though he may zeroing in on Laredo Kid. Laredo crashes into both of his opponents with a double 450 splash from the top. Laredo hits Trey with a springboard cutter, causing him to collide with Zayne on the mat. Trey takes out Laredo with flying double knees to score the victory and advanced to Bound For Glory.

The Verdict: 6 out of 10

Match #2: The Influence (Tenille Dashwood & Madison Rayne) w/ Kaleb With a K def. Jordynne Grace & Rachael Ellering – Knockouts Tag Team Championship #1 Contenders Match

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

The Influence may have demanded a Knockouts Tag Team Title opportunity against Decay at Knockouts Knockdown but IMPACT Hall of Famer Gail Kim is making them earn it in this #1 Contenders match! Kaleb distracts Jordynne at ringside, allowing Tenille to push her face-first into the exposed floor. Moments later, Ellering Irish whips Tenille into the steel guardrail. Madison kicks Jordynne from the apron, then sends Tenille into the corner for a clothesline with increased velocity. Ellering quickens the pace, hitting Madison with a thunderous spinebuster for two. Jordynne connects with her signature splash out of the corner but Kaleb puts Madison’s foot under the bottom rope. Jordynne targets Kaleb on the outside, allowing The Influence to hit Ellering with Two Kisses to win and become #1 Contenders for the Knockouts Tag Team Titles.

The Verdict: 5 out of 10

Match #3: Christopher Daniels def. Madman Fulton

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

After making his jaw-dropping return last week, Christopher Daniels steps into an IMPACT ring for the first time since 2014! Daniels uses his speed advantage to avoid an oncoming strike, then hits a springboard Arabian Moonsault to the floor. Fulton tosses him halfway across the ring, followed by a big boot for two. Fulton hits a crossbody off the second rope for another near fall. Daniels counters a back bodydrop into a jumping DDT to build momentum. Daniels hits his signature STO for a near fall of his own. Fulton distracts the referee, allowing Ace to attack Daniels from the outside. Moments later, Josh Alexander evens the odds and fights Ace to the back. Meanwhile, Daniels hits the Angel’s Wings but Fulton kicks out at one. Daniels immediately follows up with the Best Moonsault Ever to win.

The Verdict: 8 out of 10

Match #4: (Main Event) Eddie Edwards def. W. Morrissey – Street Fight (Moose is Banned From Ringside)

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

After W. Morrissey crossed the line and powerbombed Alisha, this personal rivalry is set to explode in an anything goes Street Fight! Eddie is about to dive to the outside but Morrissey cuts him off in mid-air by smashing a wet floor sign over the top of his head. But Eddie doesn’t stay down for long as he successfully dives to the other side of the floor, then uses a fan’s replica championship as a weapon. Morrissey attempts a vertical suplex onto the steel steps but Eddie counters into a drop toehold. Eddie delivers repeated shots with a trash can lid, then hits a Blue Thunder Bomb into the trash can itself. Morrissey is about to suplex Eddie into multiple steel chairs when Alisha assaults him from behind with a kendo stick. Eddie powerbombs Morrissey through the chairs but he somehow powers out at one. Alisha holds a barbed-wire steel chair as Eddie drives it into Morrissey’s head with a Boston Knee Party. Eddie pins Morrissey to win this violent Street Fight.

The Verdict: 7 out of 10

Final Verdict: 6/10

On a night where the “Digital Media Title” was announced…what? What the f–k is a “Digital Media Title”? How do you win that? Upvote on a pole match? Right click your opponent and change their font to b–ch? It’s like the TV Title, but on the internet…right? Are they only allowed to defend the title on Facebook? If it’s on Twitter, do they only get 150 moves or less? How will the modern wrestler get by in a match without at least 7000? Crowd pops draw money baby! The internet matches will happen on the internet starting October 5th. Anyway, this show had only two matches, but two of them got a bit of time and were good and solid…for me to poop on! The Good Brothers challenged FinJuice and The Bullet Club to battle for a “World Tag Title” match at Bound For Glory and that battle happens next week. Christopher Daniels had the best performance of the night. He didn’t get to wrestle as much as he has in the past, but he worked the match and did some big spots and made the fight look like a heavy-hitting battle. Daniels was great! What is he? Daniels has to be around fifty now. Yeah? Morrissey sucked. I hate their music. F–k them! As for W. Morrissey…he sucked too! F–k him! I hate his music! Kidding! I’d never f–k W. Morrissey. Fortunately, he gave a better wrestling performance than he has in the past. I can’t say that about Eddie, who is still doing his butch-b–ch routine, was able to bring the best out of him, but he kept the pace going like a moose nailing a goose…and they hit each other, so there you go. Trey Miguel looked excellent in the last moments of the opener. I covered him in red onions, honey-roasted garlic, swiss cheese and red-chile butter-cream…with just a hint of basil. He was goooooood!!!! Also, he gave a very electric performance as he bounded about the ring. It made eating my dinner shockingly difficult! If you wack a bear in the nuts, be prepared to die. As I watched Scott D’Amore announce that Ace Austin and Madman Fulton would fight Christian Cage and Josh Alexander next week, I remembered that my bologna has a first name and it’s b-o-n-e-r. The Influence, after they finished buggering Teletubby Tinkie-Winkie, gave a solid performance of quick attacks and nimble strikes. What did you think of the matches, Cricket-Boy? Cricket-Boy: RLRLRLRLRLRLRLRLRLYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!! Me: You enjoyed the Daniels/Fulton bout and how they didn’t do anything stupid in their match? Me too! Hey Cricket-Boy! Pick a hand! WHAM! This is my review! Mine! The Real Me: Stay away from the cricket, you false son of a b–ch! Fake Me: I am the one who is in charg… BANG! Real Me: I’ll have what she’s having. I agree Cricket-Boy. Daniels and Fulton had the best match of the card, which was evident by those who read the review…so no one. Let’s leave now. See you later…no one.