27th Sep2021

‘Impact Wrestling’ Review (Sept 23rd 2021)

by Nathan Favel

Welcome to this week’s Impact Wrestling review, right here on Nerdly. I’m Nathan Favel and we have some big news: Josh Alexander fights Christian Cage for the Impact World Title at Bound For Glory! Suck it! Ozzy Osbourne refuses to bite my head off and Killer Klowns From Outer Space cum whipped cream! Are you ready to f–k my brains out?! No? This isn’t Fantasy Island you say? Well…s–t. Impact starts now!

[Author’s Note: Rich Swann, who was accused of spousal abuse, and Moose, who was accused of the same, are on this show and if that alarms or upsets you, then viewer discretion is advised].

Match #1: David Finlay w/ Juice Robinson def Hikuleo w/ Chris Bey

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

The war between Bullet Club and FInJuice continued just days after Hikuleo and Chris Bey were victorious over David Finlay and Juice Robinson at Victory Road. Hikuleo puts his power on display in the opening moments of the match, tossing Finlay halfway across the ring with ease. Bey trips up Finlay from the outside, allowing Hikuleo to remain in control. Hikuleo hits a big powerslam for two. Finlay connects with a neckbreaker to create separation, then takes the giant off his feet with a crossbody off the second rope. Finlay counters a chokeslam into a cutter. Bey is about to get involved again but Juice pulls him off the apron. Finlay catches Hikuleo in a pinning predicament to score the victory.

The Verdict: 5 out of 10 – This was not bad…El Conquistador. Favelhausen addresses the El…Conquistador, to tell them that this bout had David did not take any s–t from Humpalayo. Humpalayo never laid down for David, because David, or Divad spelled backwards, was faster and more agile for the Humpalayo to handle. Isn’t it always the way that the Humpalayoes of the world are always taking it easy on the Divads of the world? This match had a lot of Humpalayo blocking and powering through Divad’s offense. Divad, not to be outdone, reversed and countered the horny giant to bring him down to Earth and screw him…out of victory. I enjoyed this match, but it needed some finesse. After working hard on this review, I could use some Humpalayo.

Match #2: Rohit Raju def Chelsea Green w/ Matt Cardona

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

Chelsea pummels Rohit in the corner with repeated strikes. Rohit turns the tide when he pulls Chelsea down to the mat by her hair. Chelsea connects with a snap German suplex for two. Rohit tries to use the ropes for leverage but Cardona pushes him off from ringside. Out of nowhere, Raj Singh makes his jaw-dropping return and throws Cardona face-first into the steel ring post. Rohit rolls up Chelsea off the distraction to win.

The Verdict: 5 out of 10 – It was a bit sloppy in parts, but it was good for the time it got. Rohit and Chelsea worked hard to have some semblance of competitive quality. Both of these fighters kept the pace going even when they tripped on the treadmill once in a while. You gotta get your exercise…is some bull-s–t I don’t believe in…and neither does Marlon Brando! F–ker couldn’t make a buck lookin’ at his d–k for a livin’. Marlon Brando: Hey! Who you talkin’ chit about?! Me: Ahhhhh! The Goodyear blimp! MB: I watched this match! It was chit! Christohper Lambert made Ravi Shankar look like a klutz. I know he’s not a klutz! Me: Wait…that didn’t happen! MB: Rohit got the finish at the end, because he had Singh return to help him win. Me: No! Don’t you dare impersonate me! MB: I’m gonna ruin this chit! My t–s are bigger than Chelsea’s! Me: Noooooooooo!!!!!!!! This match was well-wrestled, but needed some extra technique to give it some oomph! OOOOOOOOOMPH!!!!!!! MB: This match was chit! Me: Shut up!

Match #3: Rich Swann & Willie Mack def Brian Myers & VSK w/ The Learning Tree (Manny Lemons & Zicky Dice)

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

Rich and WIllie hit VSK with a double flapjack in the early going. Willie counters an arm drag from Myers into a strong running shoulder tackle for two. Willie knocks Zicky Dice off the apron with a right hand but the distraction allows VSK to hit a sliding powerbomb. Rich hits a running frog splash on VSK but Myers breaks the pin attempt. VSK almost puts Rich away with an elevated DDT. Sam Beale pushes Rich off the top rope but it propels him into a pinning predicament on VSK for three.

The Verdict: 6 out of 10 – This turned out pretty well for a match that got only a certain bit of time. Sarah Ferguson: What was that like?! What was that like?! Was it like taking that bastard Charles to Wales, because that’s where Tom Jones is from, and seeing that prick bastard go to Poundtown on some buck-toothed skank with halitosis that could melt a window while he fingers Miriam Margoyles as she s–ts in a bucket that a baby is making sand castles with as a shark eats its legs while it in turn gets chopped in half by a motor-boat being performed on Dick Vitale while he wakes up prisoners at Bryan Singer’s basement dungeon where puts all of Kevin Spacey’s leftover trafficked boys? Me: No. I meant that this match had ample action sequences that saw Myers and VSK keep up with the superstar team. VSK in particular looked great here and really delivered a lot of athletic moves and transitions to keep the momentum going. Swann brought his incredible wrestling abilities to the match which, when paired with Willie Mack’s athletic skills… Sarah: Jesus. I didn’t want your life story. Me: It was a good match.

Match #4: (Main Event) Josh Alexander def Ace Austin w/ Madman Fulton

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

It’s main event time on IMPACT! as Josh Alexander goes on-on-one with Ace Austin. Fulton hooks the leg of Alexander in an attempt to give Ace the advantage but Alexander fights right back with a T-Bone suplex. Moments later, Fulton gets up on the apron and this time, it’s enough of a distraction to allow Ace to capitalize with a running bulldog. Alexander locks in the Ankle Lock until Ace breaks it up with an Enzuigiri to the back of the head. Alexander connects with a bridged German suplex for two. Alexander continues the assault with a pinpoint knee to neck. Alexander superkicks Fulton at ringside but then gets caught with a superkick from Ace that sends him crashing right into the back of Fulton. Alexander powerbombs Ace onto his knee, then delivers a devastating C4 Spike to win.

The Verdict: 8 out of 10 – Once this got to the second half, this got really wild. Hi, I’m Troy McClure. You may remember me from such abruptly started statements as “Huge midgets!”, “The dog needed the peanut butter!” and “Cancer? I didn’t even know her!”. HACHACHACHA!!!!!! Bea Arthur and I were having dinner at Hooter’s and, while she rubbed some wings on her wang, I watched this excellent main event. Josh brough his incredible shooting skills to bear on Ace, who countered with his nimble agility. For every occasion where Ace attacked, Josh would block and counter back into his offensive strategy. I loved how this felt like Josh trying to win, rather than kill an opponent. Now, this was a bit of a grudge, due to Ace attacking Christian Cage and Josh swearing vengeance on Ace for Christian. That being said, Josh understands how to always bring the match back to winning and losing. Josh’s matches tend to make a whole lot of sense, which goes a long way for the casual viewers who find it easy to scrutinize the matches. I’m looking forward to seeing Josh as champion if these are the kinds of matches he will deliver as the face of the company.

Final Verdict: 6/10

This turned out well enough, with the returns of El Phantasmo (to aid Bullet Club), Raj Singh (to help Rohit Raju beat Chelsea Green) and CHRISTOPHER DAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNIELLLLLLLLLLLS to fight Ace Austin and Madman! The Fallen Angel is back! Suck it! Rich Swann jumped in the Call Your Shot Gauntlet roster for Bound For Glory and so did Brian Myers. Eric Young told Rhino to stop being such a pussy and stay with Violent By Design. I had a nice time with this show. Did you have a nice time with this review? No? Well…f–k you! I’ve had it with you, you lily-livered chicken-s–t! Why don’t you blow a load…El Conquistador?! See you next time…El Conquistador. Princess Diana: You sure did kiss that ass, you tubby tank-ass! Me: Hey! I’m not the one who couldn’t out-run a moped!

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