11th Sep2021

‘Impact Wrestling’ Review (Sept 9th 2021)

by Nathan Favel

Welcome to this week’s Impact Wrestling review, right here on Nerdly. I’m Nathan Favel and… Don West: I’m Don West! I’m in remission, bitches! Purple Rain! Purple Rain! Mike Tenay: Purple Rain, daddio! DW: Yo, bro! I’m not sick, brotha! MT: Then let’s haul ass to the Stargate…and kill Walt Disney! DW: F–k yeah! MT: Hey nerd! We’ll take the review on the road with us! DW: You can ride bitch! Me: Ummmmm…what? Ow! Hey! Watch the collar! Wait…did you guys say Stargate? …like the movie? MT: …the director’s cut! MT: Bitchin’! Me: Ummmmm…what? DW: Hannnnnngin’ ouuuuuut!!!!!!! Downnnnnn the streeeeeeet!!!!!!! The saaaaame olllllld thinnnnnnnnng!!!!!! We did last weeeeeeeek!!!!!!! MT: Not a thinnnnnnng toooooo doooooooo!!!!!!! We got to doooooooo!!!!!!!! Oh yeaaaaaaaaah!!!!!! DW and MT: Wisconsin-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n!!!!!!!!!!!! Me: Ummmmmm…what? MT: Stargate engaged! DW: WAKAKAKAKAKAKAKAKA!!!!!!!!! Me: I guess Impact starts noooooooooooooooooow!!!!!!!!

Match #1: Rosemary w/ Havok def Tasha Steelz w/ Savannah Evans

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

Following Tasha Steelz’ blindside attack on Rosemary last week, “The Demon Assassin” is out for revenge! Rosemary locks in Upside Down to gain control in the early going. Rosemary launches herself off the top rope but Tasha avoids the incoming dropkick. Tasha hits a step-up bulldog for an early two count. Tasha baits her into the corner but Rosemary comes back with the spear to win!

The Verdict: 6 out of 10 – Don: This was, was just solid to the bone. Mike: I agree whole-heartedly. There was no false move made here in anyway. Take Rosemary’s intense offense directed at Tasha. Tasha sold these shots like a dagger to her heart. Don: She’s got a cold heart Mike. That’s the way she sells herself to the crowd. Tasha is more mechanical in the ring, which is the way it needs to be more often than not. Mike: Well said by Don West. This match is a result of two differing yet similar grappling methods meshing so well. Don: It’s a shame this didn’t get more time. They, these two were just getting there and they had to get out before arriving into town. Mike: Stop-overs are a part of life. At least these two stopped-over in a nice, little town called “Average”. Me: When do I get to talk in my own review? Shut up! Mike: We’re here! Me: Where are we? Don: Dayton, Ohio. Me: Walt Disney is alive…in Dayton?! Mike: Dayton is the epicenter of all evil in the universe…of course he’s here. Don: Look! It’s “Mean” Joe Green! Joe: Hey kid! Here! Me: Yuck! I sweaty towel?! Why you son of a bitch! I’ll kill you! Mike: Save your vitriol for the throat of Walt Disney! Me: Ummmmmm…okay? Overall, this was a fun match that needed some sprucing-up in parts, but it had a good flow to it and it felt like it had meat on the bone.

Match #2: Karl Anderson w/ Doc Gallows def Rich Swann – Bunkhouse Brawl Match

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

Rich Swann seeks vengeance on Karl Anderson after The Good Brothers sent Willie Mack to the hospital just two weeks ago. There are no disqualifications, no countouts and anything goes in what promises to be a wild Bunkhouse brawl. Swann quickly takes Gallows out of the equation with a dive to the outside. Swann sidesteps Anderson, sending him crashing through a wooden board. Swann delivers a pair of low blows to both of The Good Brothers. Swann falls victim to the numbers game, allowing Anderson to turn the tide with a vertical suplex on the exposed ramp. Gallows hooks the leg of Swann, giving Anderson the chance to capitalize with a big spinebuster. Swann heads to the top but Gallows pushes him. Anderson hits the Gun Stun onto a table to win!

The Verdict: 8 out of 10 – Don: This was a whoopin’ stacked on top of a whoopin’ stacked on top of a beat-down Mike Tenay! Mike: You got that right partner! Did you see the way Karl kept bash Rich over the head?! Don: Oh God! It was brutal! These guys knocked the hell out of other. Mike: Weapons of plunder made the spell we were under so mesmerizing and hypnotic! Don: Rich took a beating here. He sold for the more natural Karl, who looked like he was at home just swingin’ a chair at an opponent. Mike; That’s presence Don. That’s skill and attitude coming together in one threatening package. Two different styles entered into a wrestling ring and delivered the violent fight that the Bunkhouse Brawl promises. Me: Yeah. I thought it was the best match on the sh…s–t. What the hell is that? Don: Pluto…Electro-Pluto! Electro-Pluto: ARFARFARFARFARFARARFARF!!!!!!!! Mike: Time it right! Run under…now! Me: What? Ow! My f–kin’ head! DOn: Good thing you don’t have hair! Me: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! Very funny mother-f–ker! Next macth.

Match #3: David Finlay def Chris Bey

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

David Finlay looks to even the score after Chris Bey cheated to defeat him just two weeks ago! The brawl spills to the outside in the opening moments. Bey evades, then gains control with a flying elbow across the back. Bey soars through the air, hitting a crossbody for two. Finlay counters The Art of Finesse into a belly-to-back suplex. Finlay rolls through and hits a sick backbreaker, then locks in a series of submissions! Bey hits an impressive spinebuster, a la “The Machine Gun”, for a near fall. Bey tries to cheat once again but this time Juice Robinson returns and pushes his feet off the ropes! Finlay rolls him up to score the victory.

The Verdict: 7 out of 10 – Mike: Athletic to a fault, both Bey and Finlay brought the goods. Don: Right on, Mr. Mike! Bey has that, that agility that you can’t train earn. You either have that kind of limber body that you can control or you don’t. Mike: Absolutely. Goofy: F–k yeah! Don: Machete! Goofy: Oh s… Mike: Good shot! Me: Holy s–t! Mike: I think that Bey, who is just becoming otherworldly at this point, has the ability to become one of the best performers of his generation. Don: Don’t forget Finlay! He’s got his dad’s technique combined with the X-Division style that has taken over wrestling! Mike: That’s right. Me: You killed Goofy! Mike: Mickey did it…because Minnie was f–king Goofy! Me: Next match!

Match #4: Steve Maclin def Petey Williams

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

The intense feud between Steve Maclin and Petey Williams explodes in this heated grudge match! Maclin slows the pace by catching Petey in mid-air with a vertical suplex. Maclin continues his dominance with a modified backbreaker. Petey hits a sliding baseball dropkick, followed by a slingshot head scissors on the floor. Just as Petey is going for the Canadian Destroyer, TJP leads No Way’s conga line to the ring! Maclin capitalizes off the distraction with Mayhem For All to win.

The Verdict: 3 our of 10 – Don and Mike: This was s–t…squash match s–t. Me: That’s my line! Donald Duck: Die pussies! BANG! Me: Oh s–t! You shot Donald Duck! Mike: Punk bitch! Don: Gonna eat that mother-f–ker later, biotch! Me: Next match! Next match!

Match #5: (Main Event) Moose w/ W. Morrissey def Eddie Edwards

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

One of IMPACT Wrestling’s most storied rivalries will have another chapter written as Moose and Eddie Edwards collide once again! Moose puts his power on display in the early going as he takes Edwards off his feet with a thunderous shoulder tackle. Edwards hits a series of chops to build momentum but Moose shuts him down by driving him into the steel ring post. During the commercial break, Moose distracts the referee, allowing Morrissey to assault him at ringside with a big boot! Both men exchange strikes as Edwards gains control with a huge clothesline that turns Moose inside out! Edwards has the match won but Morrissey puts his foot on the ropes. Edwards retaliates against Morrissey and dives into him with a burst of speed. Moose capitalizes off the distraction, connecting with the No Jackhammer Needed Spear to win.

The Verdict: 7 out of 10 – This was solid and hearty, like hot beef stew. Where there could have been stale meat there were juicy chunks of tenderloin floating in the broth. I can’t stand it when stew is undercooked and this stew was not undercooked…but it could have used another few minutes on the stove. The moves were excellent, but it always felt like just moves as well. The wrestling wasn’t there, but the spectacle was. As for that spectacle, this was not too far over the top to believe, but it was lacking in the substance you’d want from a main event. All in all, it was fun, but nothing you’d remember next week. Don: Die Mickey! Mickey Mouse: Oh s–t! Mike: F–k you, c–k-sucker! Me: Holy s–t! I thought we were here for Walt Disney! Walt Disney: Who has disturbed my slumber?! Me: Walt Disney? Don: Time to die, mother-f–kahhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!! Mike: Oh s–t! You chopped off Don’s head! Ahhhhhhhhhh…SMASH! Walt: Now that these fools have been destroyed, I turn my attention to… BANG! Me: I shot you in the head. This was an okay main event.

Final Verdict: 7/10

On a night where TJP bet on Maclin to win and helped him do it to spite Petey WIlliams, where Su Yung and Kimber Lee stalked Swinger’s Palace after the bet was placed, where Eddie Edwards finally accepted Sami Callihan’s help and just in time for the big 10-man tag featuring Team Ace Austin versus Team Christian Cage and where Mickie James teased fighting Deonna Purrazzo in the future, we had some good wrestling. Juice Robinson returned to brawl with New Japan’s Hikuleo, who was aiding his Bullet Club brother Chris Bey as he attackd David Finlay post-match. Josh Alexander and Chris Sabin signed their contract to establish a prize fight of respect at Victory Road on a night where Josh and Christian Cage established mutual respect and a desire to fight each other. If you like solid wrestling, then this was a good night. If you like Walt Disney being shot in the head, then this was a good review. See you next time.

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