01st Sep2021

WWE Raw – Aug 30th 2021: Results & Review

by Nathan Favel

Welcome to this week’s WWE Monday Night Raw review, right here on Nerdly. I’m Nathan Favel and we have Pull My Finger Charlie! Pull his finger…and get s–t on your face! HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! Smell that dookie! All seriousness aside, this episode of Raw has three matches that were advertised that are not on this show! Whoa! Wanna watch me pee? No?! Good for you! Raw starts now!

[Author’s Note: Riddle, who is accused of rape and has not been found guilty or innocent in a court of law, is on this show and if that upsets or alarms you, then viewer discretion is advised].

Match #1: Rhea Ripley def. Shayna Baszler

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

Nikki A.S.H. and Nia Jax were in their friends’ corners for this match as The Almost Superhero cheered on Rhea Ripley, while The Irresistible Force accompanied Baszler to the ring. The Queen of Spades controlled the former Raw Women’s Champion for much of the match, and after the distraction of seeing Jax attack A.S.H. on the outside, Baszler almost capitalized with a roll-up. The Nightmare, however, was able to turn it around to score the victory.

The Verdict: 6 out of 10 – These two were displaying some fabulous technical skills here, but their ten minute match was always playing second-fiddle to Nia Jax and her ass/face/new suit. You get about ten minutes here, but it stalls out at the end and the finish is ruined by Nia attacking Rhea afterward. Damn sucka, mutha-f–ka!

Match #2: The Viking Raiders def. Jinder Mahal & Veer

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

Erik & Ivar aimed to resume the raid, and they did just that in tag team action against Jinder Mahal and one of his cohorts, Veer. Having Shanky in their corner couldn’t help get the job done for The Modern-Day Maharajah and his partner, as The Viking Raiders secured the win after hitting Mahal with the Viking Experience.

The Verdict: 3 out of 10 – This got very little time and Fred came into town…but I didn’t know what his name was…so we just called him Fred! Fred is riding Fred is riding Fred is riding Fred is riding Fred…is riding Fred! This was a funky waste of The Fur Burgers, but at least dey bushy asses won da match, baby!

Match #3: Damian Priest def. Drew McIntyre and Sheamus – Triple Threat Match For The WWE United States Championship

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

An extremely hard-hitting match unfolded as Damian Priest defends his United States Championship against both Drew McIntyre and Sheamus in a Triple Threat Match. All three men laid it all on the line, culminating in The Archer of Infamy earning the impressive victory after connecting with the Reckoning to McIntyre, getting the pinfall over the former WWE Champion and retaining his United States Title.

The Verdict: 9 out of 10 – Wow. Now this was some good s–t! There were some herky-jerky parts here, but each fighter’s individual performance was so convincing that I just gotta give this a high rating. There’s actual wrestling here, but the spots were as suspenseful as they come. It really did feel like it could go to any of three near the end. I think this hard-hitting, fast-ball, white-knuckle thrill ride delivered the balls-to-the-wall, bodies-hit-the-floor, line-between-words-phrase of a match that this show needed.

Match #4: Doudrop vs. Eva Marie (No Contest)

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

Before this matchup of bitter rivals could officially get underway, Eva Marie briefly turned her back toward Doudrop, leading the vengeful Doudrop to unleash an assault on the catalyst of the Eva-Lution. Doudrop connected with a bodyslam, a senton and even a big crossbody, leading the referee to make the decision that Eva Marie was unable to compete in the match.

The Verdict: 0 out of 10 – This was s–t. It was three seconds and had no action. Suck my pussy! This was bad!

Match #5: Karrion Kross def. Humberto Carrillo

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

Karrion Kross had another toll to collect, this time in the form of young upstart Humberto Carrillo. Carrillo gave it his all, but in the end it was Kross who earned yet another victory on Raw courtesy of his patented Kross Jacket submission.

The Verdict: 0 out of 10 – This was a lame squash that went a minute. What a waste of both men.

Match #6: Nia Jax def. Charlotte Flair

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

Nia Jax was out to take full advantage of her opportunity — or, “The Opportunity” — in action against Raw Women’s Champion Charlotte Flair. It was a heated back-and-forth battle that, in the end, saw The Irresistible Force pick up the win over The Queen after connecting with a vicious Powerbomb in an all-important Championship Contender’s Match.

The Verdict: 0 out of 10 – Flair tried, but this went down-hill the longer Nia wrestled…and this was thirteen minutes. Nia eventually just clobbered ol’ Flair so hard that you’d think this was 1990s UFC. Flair started hitting Nia back. This was a mess. Nothing that started off so well has tanked so hard in the WWE in years. Nia needs to be pulled from TV until she loses a hundred or so pounds, because her massive weight made it impossible for her to do anything, including be safe in the ring.

Match #7: Omos def. John Morrison

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

With The Miz having run off to avoid facing him this week, John Morrison did the next most logical thing and requested a match against the colossal Omos. Things didn’t end well for America’s Moist Wanted, as Omos was able to gain the quick victory after dropping Morrison with a thunderous two-handed Chokeslam.

The Verdict: 0 out of 10 – This was a clumsy squash. This was awful. Why weren’t they given time? Omos has gotten decent enough to work a while. Going this short forced Omos to showcase the worst he has instead of the best. Yeesh. Poor Omos and poor Johnny.

Match #8: AJ Styles def. Xavier Woods

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

Looking to pick up where his tag team partner left off, AJ Styles was in action against The New Day’s Xavier Woods, but it was far from smooth sailing for The Phenomenal One. Woods put forth an extremely valiant effort, but Styles ultimately came out on top after locking in the Calf Crusher for the submission victory.

The Verdict: 6 out of 10 – You get another fine bout between these two. It’s always nice to see the smooth grappling that these guys are capable of working out so well. What a blast this was and what a shame it was not longer. You’re in for a brisk treat.

Match #9: (Main Event) RK-Bro def. Bobby Lashley & MVP – Raw Tag Team Championship Match

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

AJ Styles & Omos were a presence at ringside for this massive Raw main event. Randy Orton & Riddle had to do what they could to fight off the former Raw Tag Team Champions at ringside, and they were able to hold them off just long enough for Riddle to connect with a Floating Bro to MVP and retain the championship gold for RK-Bro.

The Verdict: 7 out of 10 – An excellent tag match made for a fine main event. The Titty Pinchers knocked the snot out of the WWE World Champion and Montel Williams. I miss his talk show. You get the quick strikes and sudden offense of Riddle and Lashley, while Orton rubbed his hand on his crotch and made a writer shake it. Call your lawyer! Stephen P. New! Stephern P. New! Stelvin P. You! …just call him Fred! Fred’s ridin’ Fred! Fred’s ridin’s Fred! Captain Paraguay: Joo gotta stup dis chit! Me: Mind your business, you piss-ant squeech! I thought this was the kind of brutal-looking fight this show really, really, really needed…really.

Final Verdict: 0/10

This was one of the worst overall wrestling shows ever and that’s because of Vince and Nia Jax. Vince booked so many of his matches into a corner that the wrestlers couldn’t perform to even passable quality. Then, Nia Jax, who may be the worst wrestler of this decade, which is hard to determine this early into the decade, is given too much time for her limited mobility and is allowed to go over the Women’s Champion. Now, there is the incredible US Title match to go see and I hope you do. Other than the great Triple Threat, I’d say you skip this s–t. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to scream. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! …but I didn’t know what his name was…so we just called him Fred! Fred’s ridin’ Fred! Fred’s ridin’ Fred! Fred’s ridin’ Fred! Fred’s ridin’ Fred! Fred’s ridin’ Fred! See you next time!

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