06th Aug2021

‘Impact Wrestling’ Review (Aug 5th 2021)

by Nathan Favel

Welcome to this week’s Impact Wrestling review, right here on Nerdly. I’m Nathan Favel and we have me, trapped on this alien planet with a bunch of duplicates of me and some intergalactic warlord whose name I can’t remember. Ain’t life grand? Mysterious Nathan: Silence! The Conqueror takes the balcony! Me: Good. Maybe he’ll say his name again. Other Nathans: Jimmy! Me: No damn it! It’s not Jimmy! Other Nathans: Jerry! Me: Dumbasses. Whatever His Name Is The Conqueror: I am… Me: Oh s–t! He got shot by a laser blast! MN: Huh. Never thought to do that. ON: Billy! No! Razoul The Talkifier: Our lord is dead! Where… Me: Oh f–k! They got him too! Who… MN: It’s… Bunjo, The Big F–kin’ Head: I am Bunjo! Kissa my ass! MN: He’s the most-feared Italian giant-headed alien in the universe! Bunjo: I’mma herea to smasha the little balda guy! Herea baldy, baldy, baldy! Bunjo a gonna whoopa dat a ass! ON: Oh s–t! That’s us! Ahhhhhhhhh!!!!!!! Me: Will you idiots shut up?! Bunjo: Heya theya! Don makea me looka all around heeya! I just camea to smasha da baldy man! Waya is you now?! I’mma a big ol’ space-man I am! Me: Well, while I put up with this s–t… Bunjo: I kissed my fatha on the crotch! Me: …let’s get to Impact. Bunjo: Now I’m his favorite son! Sucka sucka sucka sucka! Me: Impact Wrestling! Let’s get to it! Bunjo: My mother hates me!

Match #1: Chris Bey b. Juice Robinson

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

Bey jumpstarts the match with a running dropkick. Juice goes for a vertical suplex but Bey counters into a headlock. Juice crashes and burns with a cannonball in the corner, allowing Bey to hit a Famouser for two. Juice creates separation with a big Spinebuster, then succesfully hits the running cannonball! White and Finlay brawl at ringside as they prepare for their match at NJPW Resurgence! In the ring, Bey hits Juice with The Art of Finesse to score the victory!

The Verdict: 6 out of 10 – Hey there! Chris got the Juice! Glug glug glug! These guys matched-up nicely, like a pygmy at a pig roast for Pygmalion’s piggy bank. The match was fast and swift, if not completely exciting. A lot of this was movement for it’s own sake. Juice still struggles with being a more engaging competitor, but at least he puts effort into what he can do. Chris is ever the incredible athlete and he shows it here in an almost effortless effort. Effortless effort…huh. Chris won and should have, so I’m happy with the result. Overall, I’d call this a spirited opener.

Match #2: Jake Something b. Trey Miguel, Daivari and Rohit Raju – Fatal 4 Way Match

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

The winner of this match will challenge Josh Alexander for the X-Division Title at Emergence! Trey flies in the early going with a springboard Moonsault to the floor. Jake takes control following a running crossbody to everyone on the apron! Jake launches Rohit who then hits Daivari with a DDT in mid-air. Jake hits Trey with a massive sit-down powerbomb but Rohit takes his attention away from the pin! Daivari trips up Rohit from the outside but gets caught with a Black Hole Slam from Jake for the three count!

The Verdict: 6 out of 10 – I’d call this standard fare for these kind of matches. It was very much in line with how these matches go, with two in and two out. Something did well for a guy booked to win, but I thought Raju was rather good here. Daivari has really come a long way after all these years. Daivari blended in so well with the more athletic Trey that you could be forgiven for forgetting that Daivari was once a bit rigid in how he moved in the ring. I enjoyed this as a formulaic stunt show and you may as well. Something winning is good for him, as he has been in need of another big win. Okay. Let’s get to the next match.

Match #3: Jordynne Grace and Rachael Ellering b. Fire n’ Flava

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

Grace hits a Spinebuster, then Irish whips her own partner into Tasha! Grace attempts the Muscle Buster but Tasha fights out of it and makes the tag to Kiera. There’s a huge momentum shift as Fire N Flava begin to wear Jordynne down on their side of the ring. Jordynne creates separation after a double vertical suplex to both Kiera and Tasha! Grace hits Kiera with the Vader Bomb, followed by a leg drop from Ellering. Kiera hits a superkick on Ellering for two. Ellering connects with an assisted Black Hole Slam to score the victory!

The Verdict: 4 out of 10 – This didn’t quite get off the ground, but at least the flight didn’t get cancelled. Grace was the big deal here, even though Fire n’ Flava worked hard to take their beating convincingly. There wasn’t much to this by and large, but there was something to be said for this match having no major issues. This was simply a dull bout that just about got good, but couldn’t quite fathom getting great.

Match #4: Steve Maclin b. Jah-C

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

Maclin destroys Jah-C with a running shoulder tackle in the corner. Maclin has him beat but decides to do more damage instead. Maclin hits his signature sitdown slam to make quick work of his opponent.

The Verdict: 3 out of 10 – This was a brisk squash that tasted better than some platters of it. Jah-C. Is that a fruit drink?

Match #5: (Main Event) Sami Callihan, Eddie Edwards and Frankie Kazarian b. The Good Brothers and Kenny Omega

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

Kazarian squares off with Omega and gains the upper-hand with a springboard leg drop. Gallows delivers a boot to the back of Kazarian, allowing Omega to gain control. Kazarian begins to fight out of the corner, then makes the tag to Eddie. Moments later, Omega brings his momentum to a halt by hooking his leg. Anderson capitalizes with a top rope flying elbow. The Elite crush Eddie with a triple splash but it’s not enough to keep him down. Eddie takes Gallows off his feet, then reluctantly tags in one of his fiercest rivals, Sami Callihan! The pace quickens as Callihan pummels Omega in the corner. Omega hits Kazarian with the V-Trigger! Kazarian sends Gallows toppling to the floor with a clothesline over the top! Callihan takes out Omega with a Piledriver on the apron. Eddie hits the Blue Thunder Bomb on Anderson, followed by the Boston Knee Party to win!

The Verdict: 7 out of 10 – Well, this was easy to review. You get the typical tag action melee with Kazarian picking up where he left off when he was last in Impact. Omega did his normal elbow drop to knee drop to finger bang to the ceiling routine and he seemed to like it. Gallows swiveled his hips in the name of violence as his partner Karl took the fight to Sami and his vagina haircut. Eddie is still wearing his Babysitter’s Club pants. Why? Listen. The action was very fun. I’m happy to tell you that this match was the highlight of the show. Also, Parminder K. Nagra.

Final Verdict: 6/10

This was a simple show that… Bunjo: I founda you baldies! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!! Me: Why are you trying to kill me? Other Nathans: Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!! Mysterious Nathan: He wants to kill you, because… Bunjo: I am you! Me: Oh. Well that make sen…WHAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

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