02nd Aug2021

‘Impact Wrestling’ Review (July 29th 2021)

by Nathan Favel

Welcome to this week’s Impact Wrestling review, right here on Nerdly. I’m Nathan favel and maybe they could call it Ultimate Championship Wrestling? It’s available…except for all those indy promotions using it, but they don’t have a lock on the name anyway. We’ve got a surprise or two here, so…what the… Chimpy, The Stupid Monkey: Oo oo oo oo oo ah ah ah! Me: Not now Chimpy! I’m not in the mood! Chimpy: Oo oo oo oo oo ah ah ah! Me: Not now asshole! Chimpy: Oo oo oo oo oo ah ah ah! Me: Now now God damn it! (Chimpy has a gun) Me: No Chimpy! No Chimpy! Nooooooooooo!!!!!!! (gun is fired) Chimpy: Oo oo oo oo oo ah ah ah!

Match #1: The Good Brothers (Doc Gallows/Karl Anderson) b. Jay White/Chris Bey

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

After Jay White asked Chris Bey to join the Bullet Club, will they find success as a team here tonight? Bey quickens the pace and takes Anderson off his feet with a flying dropkick. Gallows hits Bey with a big boot, followed by a sidewalk slam. The Good Brothers cut off the ring as they begin to wear Bey down. Bey soars through the air with the crossbody to Gallows, then makes the tag to White. Switchblade is on a roll, hitting Anderson with a modified suplex for two. Gallows brawls with White on the outside. Moments later, Gallows catches Bey in mid-air and hits a thunderous chokeslam. The Good Brothers put Bey away with the Magic Killer for three.

The Verdict: 7 out of 10 – TalkTech Translationizer In Effect – Chimpy: Tall! Everybody tall! Long hair guy jump jump! Fat ass. I like match! Bald guys said they were good, but they were mean…very mean. Bald guys slammed Jay Jay and DY-NO-MITE! Whole match had less wrestling and more action jumping. Chimpy like jumping! However maybe, wrestler guys should wrestle more more? Bug! So much of match match was about about defense instead of offense. Butt! Bald guy team spent too much time stomping around when they should do grapples. Grape apples! Chris Chris did good good for the jumping super bounce, but where was the wrestle man stuff stuff? Chimpy like the jumpy, but people watch wrestle people because it have wrestling fighting combat banana. Hammock! Next time, you more wrestling in match and maybe Chimpy give better review. Still still, jumpy athletic stuff stuff really good good and that worth watch seeing. Boobs!

Match #2: Taylor Wilde b. Kaleb With a K w/ Tenille Dashwood

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

Taylor Wilde is back and she’s coming after Tenille Dashwood! But first, she must get through Dashwood’s personal photographer, Kaleb With a K. Taylor goes for a Hurricanrana but Kaleb counters into a clothesline. Taylor avoids an incoming charge from Kaleb, then successfully hits the Hurricanrana! Kaleb comes right back with a superkick for two. The fight spills to the outside where Taylor connects with a tornado DDT! Taylor hits a bridge German suplex to score the impressive victory.

The Verdict: 6 out of 10 – K? Say name Caleb Konely on the antlernet. Moose! He later. Corey Haim! He not…because dead. Oh well well. Mating ritual was excellent. Taylor and Special K work real well together. Why no as much man and a woman fighting on the wrestling? Both work well together for few minutes and Chimpy like a it. Parachute! If a this get a more time, then a Chimpy might be able to give a the better review now maybe? Zoidberg: You hairy bastard! That’s Zoidberg’s bit! I’ll kill you! Chimpy; Chimpy run from Jewish fish man! This one good! See you for next! Zoidberg: Zoidberg is tired of homeschool jackass! Die!

Match #3: Fallah Bahh/No Way/FinJuice (David Finlay & Juice Robinson) b. Ace Austin/ Madman Fulton/Rohit Raju/Shera

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

After being targeted by Ace Austin, Madman Fulton, Rohit Raju and Shera, the team of FinJuice, Fallah Bahh and the recently debuted No Way join forces for tag team action! Fallah gets Irish whipped by his own partners as they send him crashing into Fulton. Rohit intervenes, allowing his team to gain control with a series of quick tags. Fallah fights out of a headlock, then sits on Ace to create separation! Finlay enters the fray as he takes out Rohit with a backbreaker. Shera brings his momentum to a halt but pays for it as FinJuice dropkick him to the floor! No Way hits a pop-up punch on Rohit. Fallah catches Fulton in mid-air and plants him to the mat with a Samoan Drop. Ace Austin flies as he takes out everyone with a Fosbury Flop! Finlay hits the Trash Panda on Rohit to score the victory for his team.

The Verdict: 3 out of 10 – Chimpy: It fast, but it a poo-poo. Justin Timberlake! N-Stink! Dancing “Not-Possible-Man” suck suck. Antlernet say he used to suck more, so he get better better. Anal bleach! Dave do the best. He great! Dave not here? Yes he was! Maybe antlernet mean not hear? Dave! You have mustache! He a hear me just fine antlernet. Cork! Penny man bisexual. He like a both! Ace and Ragu sauced their way all through the match. Very clever sentence by Chimpy. Pat on back. Who touch me?! FishJuice was a great team of people here. They very fast and when match slow down, they fast it by being very excited and moving quickly. You no get bored with FeelGoose in the ring place. Honk! Me like how…wait…this match suck. Me hate it! It too short and Bi Way dance too much! It not pro dancing! Pro Wrestling! Honky Cat! Shera bad. Why on TV? He blow guy? Swallow! Madman just teenage girl to me. He big though. Shera break throat if he blow guy. Come dumpster! It here. I throw match in it, cuz it a poo-poo. Nurse!

Match #4: Rich Swann/Willie Mack b. Violent By Design (Deaner/Rhino) w/ Eric Young/Joe Doering

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

After losing the IMPACT World Tag Team Titles at Slammiversary, Violent By Design placed the blame on Rich Swann and Willie Mack. Following VBD’s blindside attack on them last week, Rich and Willie are out for revenge in this tag team collision. Deaner and Rhino attack them before the bell to gain the early advantage. Rich and Willie turn the tide as Swann flies with a corkscrew to the floor! Moments later, EY distracts Swann by waving the VBD flag, which allows Deaner to regain control. Swann makes the tag to Willie, who hits Deaner with a standing Moonsault for two! Rich hits Rhino with a handspring cutter, followed by the Phoenix Splash to win!

The Verdict: 5 out of 10 – These guys good. Match fun. Chocolate versus vanilla. Chimpy down with the swirl. Plane crash! The Swan and Will He give STD the clap to the head. They no take a the Barbara Wawa. Doh! You getta lots of jumping again. These guys also do grappling. See? If Rerun would have listened to Chimpy in first match against Bald Guys, then 7 match could have been 8 match! 9 and 10 reserved for highest bidder. Crass! The Swan: How dare ye! How dare ye! Chimpy: Who you feather man? The Swan: I am The Swan! Bow mortal! How dare ye invoke the likes of me so carelessly? I am but amongst the heavens above God zillaself! For eons I beckoned mankind to indulge my whims and fetishes, but lo and behold man’s arrogance and feeble fealty! Twas I who moved the mountains! Twas I who touched the stars! Twas I who shot JR! Chimpy: You shotta JR?! The Swan: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! Now, I come to you in my infinite glory to review this match myself, or what pittance of it there may be to review! Chimpy: It good! The Swan: This tripe survives on it’s own effluence! When a prophecy such as this one fulfills itself, you must wonder why both teams simply do no just slumber betwixt the ropes of the ring and count sheep until asleep? Twill a man ever seek out this bout in the name of wrestling? Nay! The span of time allotted to this was but only enough to slander the possibilities of what could have been! Where is the ambition? Why have these four simply endeavored upon the road already traveled in the name a lesser quest? Why are we gazing upon merely moves and posturing, when the full breadth of their talent could be explored? Rich Swann was once a proud champion, like all great swans. Sadly, it would seem that his destiny is set as a momentary twinkle in the twilight of night instead of the return to providence that Swann had once so passionately embarked upon. Nay, my instupidable cur. This match gets a 5, as you already stated, but not for the reasons you state. 5 is the coffin. 5 is the grave. 5 is the tombstone. 5 is the epitaph. This match is a 5, for it chose to worship the dirt instead of the soil! Chimpy: Chimpy like match! The Swan: Silence! Be not so foolish, you simple twit! You should embody greatness, like me…The Swan! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! Chimpy: Bread crumbs! The Swan: Where?! Gimme gimme gimme!!!!! Chimpy: I guess this match fun enough, but maybe should a had more intrickcat wrestling. The Swan: I want bread crumbs! Give me bread crumbs! Chimpy: Maybe more ambitchion is good for matches? The Swan: Me hungee! Want bread crumbs! Chimpy: Next match! The Swan: Bread crumbssssssssssss!!!!!!!!!!!

Match #5: (Main Event) Moose b. Chris Sabin

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

After Chris Sabin defeated Moose at Slammiversary, the self-proclaimed “Wrestling God” demanded a rematch here tonight! Moose catches Sabin in mid-air and whips his head into the steel steps. Moose takes a bottle of water from a fan and splashes it in Sabin’s face before delivering a series of thunderous chops. Moose takes a moment to gloat when Sabin capitalizes and bites his finger! Sabin soars through the air with a huge crossbody to the outside! Sabin spikes Moose with a top rope tornado DDT but Moose somehow kicks out at two. Moose fights off the Cradle Shock, then hits the Lights Out spear to win.

The Verdict: 7 out of 10 – Chimpy: This not quite as good as Slammiversary, but it close. Boat! Their Yearly Ouch match was great, because it have the action and suspense, but it felt like sports contest. This no feel like sports contest, but it still felt like fight. Now, it fight that had less action than it could and too much talking. People want wrestling in wrestling, not talking in wrestling. Godzilla! Godzilla: Hyannnnnnnnn!!!!!!!!! Chimpy: No Mister Lizard! Match excellent! Godzilla: Hyannnnnnn!!!!!!! The Swan: Oh Godzilla! He’s pissed! Zoidberg: Oh s–t! Let’s get the f–k out of here! Me: What the…? Why is there a bullet in my ass? What happened? Chimpy: Ummmmmmm…lizard did it! Godzilla: Hyannnnnnnnn!!!!!!!! Me: Well, I don’t care what happened! I’m finishing the review! Godzilla! Put a sock in it! Godzilla: Hyannnnnnnnnnhuh? Me: If the city of Tokyo would stop running around and let me talk… Tokyo: Oh s–t! It’s Godzilla! Me: Ahhhhhhhhh shaddap! Sabin and Moose worked hard to keep this one going and they did so quite well. This whole feud has done Sabin a world of good. Look at how aggressive he is these days? I could see Sabin getting the World Title at some point if he keeps this going. I always felt like he got shafted the first time out. Chimpy: His butt hurt? Me: No, not like tha…stupid monkey. Anyway, if you liked their Slammiversary match, then I think you’ll like this as well, but it felt a bit like empty calories, compared to the heftier and more substantial match they had at Slammiversary. Chimpy: His butt hurt! Godzilla: Hyannnnnnnnnn!!!!!! Me: Don’t encourage him! Chimpy: Butt! Me: Hhhhhhhh.

Final Verdict: 6/10

On a night where Frankie Kazarian returned to attack The Elite, a battle royal being set in two weeks to determine the next contender to the World Title, Francine turning down Brian Myers for Homecoming and whatever I can’t think of, this was standard fare that held together quite well overall. Chimpy: Lots of jumping. Me: Yes. There needs to be less leaping about in matches and more wrestling. At least the effort was there. Chimpy: Butt? Me: …but nothin’. Chimpy: Damn! Me: Well, I’ll see you next time.

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