02nd Aug2021

Friday Night Smackdown – July 30th 2021: Results & Review

by Nathan Favel

Welcome to the WWE Friday Night SmackDown review for this week, right here on Nerdly. I’m Nathan Favel and we are sponsored this week by the re-release of a classic 80s action picture:

Narrator: It was the war to end all wars. America…beaten…battered…bruised. Our enemy…had won…but now it was time to strike back! Vietnam 2: America Strikes Back! From Kukhold Productions and distributed by Mike Robahl Studios comes Chick Skubick’s action classic, Vietnam 2: America Strikes Back! This is the film the way it was meant to be seen, digitally re-mastered in stunning 7000K! All the blistering, heart-pumping, white-knuckle brutality we all know and love is back and better than ever! When Vietnam builds an atomic bomb for the Russians, there’s only one country to call to stop them…America! Attorney General Luther Thunder: Mr. President! Vietnam has the bomb! President Wight Mann: Assemble the team. I’m going to Vietnam to lead a squad of our best and brightest. America is going back for round 2.

Narrator: Starring Chuck Norris as President Wight Mann…Wight Mann: I’m Wight…James Brolin as Attorney General Luther Thunder…Luther Thunder: Sayonara Charlie!…Jim Brown as Blaq Mann…Blaq Mann: Wight, you’re lucky mom ain’t here to spank yo ass you bad little muthafugga…Robert Forester as Peter Piper…Peter Piper: I sure as Hell don’t pick pecks of pickled peppers…Stacy Keach as “Reckless” Randy Rage…Randy Rage: I kill people!…Sonny Landham as Brick “Fairy Prince” Kang…Brick Kang: Pussy…animal handler Jack Hanna as Felix Whistle…Felix Whistle: Get this tiger off of me!…and starring OJ Simpson as Martin Luther King Jr….Martin Luther King Jr.: I’mma kill Nicole!…

Me: Okay. That just seems offensive as all get out. At least…oh no! My magic ticket! The one I got from that old man at the movie theater that magically transports you into the movie you’re watching! Whoaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!! Wight Mann: Alright men! Welcome back to Vietnam! We’ve got to stop the Vietnamese before they get the A-bomb finished and delivered to the Russians. Me: Oh s–t. Well, I guess I’ll have to write the review while I’m in the movie. Randy Rage: Shut the f–k up! Me: F–k.

Match #1: Rey Mysterio b. Jimmy Uso

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

After losing the SmackDown Tag Team Titles at WWE Money in The Bank, Rey Mysterio gained valuable momentum for his son and himself, tearing a page out of The Usos’ recent playbook when Dominik added his feet to Rey’s quick pin attempt to steal the win over Jimmy Uso!

The Verdict: 4 out of 10 – This was short. That was what did this in. Also, they never had a chance to turn this match into a competitive contest. Everything here felt lacking. Damn. Wight Mann: What’s that soldier? Me: Ummm…nothing. Wight Mann: Good. It’s time to board the chopper. Me: Okay. Let’s see how this goes. Felix Whistle: Ahhh!!!!!! F–king bear! Get off me! Ahhhh!!!!! Me: We’re f–ked.

Match #2: Reginald b. Chad Gable – 24/7 Title Match (DQ)

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

After Reggie’s momentous victory over Akira Tozawa on Raw, the new 24/7 Champion journeyed to SmackDown where he used his tremendous athleticism to nearly pin Alpha Academy teacher Chad Gable before Otis charged in and brought an end to the action by disqualification. Nevertheless, when Otis hurled Reggie over the top rope, the incredible 24/7 Champion rolled his way through and flipped away unscathed and smiling ear to ear.

The Verdict: 3 out of 10 – This went a minute, but these guys actually found a good rhythm, thanks to Chad directing traffic and Reggie being very precise. It’s a shame it didn’t go longer, but at least it seemed on the right track befoe the abrupt ending. Blaq Mann: Shut up asshole! Me: Are you the white guy’s black brother? Blaq Mann: Yeah! What’s it to ya? Me: You don’t find your name offensive? Blaq Mann? A little on the nose isn’t it? Who wrote this thing, David Duke? Luther Thunder: Oh, you mean the greatest man alive? Me: …and that answers that question. Malcolm Tex: I love white people. Me: Huh. David Duke produced this as well.

Match #3: Big E./Shinsuke Nakamura/Cesaro b. Dolph Ziggler/Robert Roode/Apollo Crews

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

After a scuffle last week over who will be Apollo Crews’ next Intercontinental Championship challenger, Big E, Cesaro, & King Nakamura battled Crews, Dolph Ziggler & Robert Roode. Rick Boogs suddenly distracted Crews with his guitar riff and paved the way for a bunch of mayhem outside the ring. Eventually King Nakamura picked up the pinfall on the Intercontinental Champion with the Kinshasa.

The Verdict: 5 out of 10 – This didn’t go too long, but it didn’t stink up the joint either. There’s enough here to remind you of why these guys are employed, but not enough to remind you of why these guys would remain on the roster…besides the money of course. Peter Piper: You got any jelly beans? Me: No. Brick Kang: Hey queer. Wanna have sex with my c–k? Me: No. BK: That’s ‘cuz you’re a h–o. Me: That makes no…makes no sense. Randy Rage: Shut up wussies! BK: Blow me! RR: Okay! Me: How many more matches do we have left?

Match #4: (Main Event) Sasha Banks/Bianca Belair b. Carmella/Zelina Vega

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

After returning to help Bianca Belair fend off Zelina Vega and Carmella, The Boss joined forces with the Superstar that took her SmackDown Women’s Championship at WrestleMania. Moments after making Carmella tap out the the Bank Statement, The Boss suddenly turned on The EST of WWE, unleashing a vicious beatdown that ended with more than one brutal Bank Statement on Belair and Banks standing tall over the fallen champion with the SmackDown Women’s Title raised high above her head.

The Verdict: 5 out of 10 – This was pretty standard stuff. Nothing really ambitious here, but it got the job done. Actually…what was the job? Was it to intrigue me in a Banks/Belair rematch? I was already into that match. This tag match did nothing to entice me. Carmella and Vega look no better than they did going in. This felt like a waste of their skills and momentum. Banks was wasily the star here. I’d call this a good tune-up, but it also wasn’t much of a showcase for Banks either. This was without question a paint by the numbers affair through and through. Wight Mann: Jump! Me: What? Blaq Mann: Don’t worry. I got you covered. Me: Ahhhhh!!!!!! You pushed me oooooooooouuuuuuuuut!!!!!!!! Felix Whisper: Help! This shark is eating my ass! Martin Luther King Jr.: I have a dream…of killing my wife Nicole! The b–ch gonna die! Me: I hope there’s a safety mat at the bottom of this dro…ow.

Final Verdict: 3/10

General Zowshiken: Kill them! Wight Mann: Not now, commie! Me: Hey! I found a grenade! WM: No! Don’t! Me: F–k you! I’m throwing it! Blaq Mann: Not at the atom bomb! Me: Don’t throw at the what now? BOOM!!!! Whoops! Ummmmm…is everybody oka… BOOM!!!!!! BOOM!!!!!!! It keeps exploding. Pretty! I…oh right. BOOM!!!!!! I get now why I shouldn’t have thrown the grenade at the atom… BOOM!!!!!! Well, these people are dead. Kinda a shame that I’m the only one surviving the bla… BOOM!!!!! Ahhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!! Where am I? Well, while I try to figure it out, I guess I can just summarize the show by saying that the mos that happened was that Seth Rollins attacked Edge and that Sasha Banks attacked Bianca Belair. Those are not matches. The wrestling on this show was weak. The matches were short and tepid. There was no rhyme or reason for any of this. No one contended for any title because of their match tonight. What a waste. Now, where am…what the… Another Me: What the… Both Of Us: Uh oh. See you next…that’s my line…no that’s mi…that’s my line! S–t!

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