05th Jul2021

‘Impact Wrestling’ Review (Jul 1st 2021)

by Nathan Favel

Welcome to this week’s Impact Wrestling review, right here on Nerdly. I’m Nathan Favel and…what the… John Denver: I am John Dennnnnnverrrrrrr…the King of the Foressssssssst!!!!! Me: Aren’t you dead? JD: I will killlllll youuuuuuu for being a pussyyyyyyyyyyy! Me: What? JD: I shall uuuuuuuuse myyyyyyyy…John Denver nuggetsssssssssssss! Me: Oh my G…seriously? JD: Throw throw throw throwwwwwwww throwwwwwwwwww…throw throw throw throw throwwwwwww throwwwwwwwwww!!!!!!! Me: Ow! Stop throwing nuggets at me you coked up stiff! Ow! Ow! Owwwwwwww!!!!!!! (dream sequence over) Me: Whoa! That sucked. Well, now that I’m awake, it’s time to walk around this theater and slap all these people while they watch Hamilton. The Old Hag: Ow! My face! Me: Shaddap! The Fat Cat: Ah! Me: Shaddap! The Pushy Broad: Good Lord! Me: Damn straight! Slap! Louise Marcus: Are you Nathan Favel of the clan Fav-el?! Me: No! I’m just an old man! Leave me in peace! LM: We need your help! The Shield that protects the planet has to come down! Me: What do you want me to do? (wall explodes) Shoidath: Favel! We have come for you! Gtztar: The rulers of Zeist demand it! Me: No. Not now. LM: Who are those assholes? Me: Go hide! Now! Shoidath: Favellllllll!!!!!!! You’re going to diiiiiiiiiiiiie!!!!!!!!!! Me: People! Get the hell out of here! The Old Codger: He’s slapping us! Me: Slap! Slap! Slap! The Snaggletooth Woman: Ahhhhhh!!!!! Me: Shaddap! Shoidath: Saving these fools will not save you! Me: Slap! Shoidath: You dare hit me?! Me: Shaddap! Gtztar: Die Favel! Me: Wet Willie! Gtztar: Ahhhhhhhh!!!!!! (head explodes) Shoidath: You fool! I shall avenge his death! Me: XYZ. Shoidath: My fly! (neck snapped) Me: There can be…only one! (The Quickening) LM: Oh my God! You’re… Me: Slap! Young? LM: Yes! Me: Slap! Impact starts now! Ramirezzzzzzzzzzzzz!!!!!!!!

Match #1: Satoshi Kojima/Jake Something b. Brian Myers/Sam Beale

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

Myers and Beale try to escape but Kojima and Something drag them back to the ring! Kojima takes control with a running shoulder tackle to Beale. Myers goes low and takes out Jake’s ankle. Myers and Beale wear Jake down as they cut off the ring and prevent him from making the tag to Kojima. Several minutes later, Jake overpowers both of his opponents with a big double clothesline. Jake tags in Kojima who quickens the pace with a series of chops to Beale! Kojima hits a top rope elbow drop on Beale for two. Myers charges towards Kojima but Jake cuts him off with the Black Hole Slam! Kojima hits Beale with the Koji Cutter, followed by the Lariat to win.

The Verdict: 6 out of 10 – Consto Marvez: To be or not to be! That is the question! Ramirez: Oh! Where am I? It smells like cabbage. CM: Get off the f–king stage, s–t-head! Ramirez: S–t-head? What’s a s–t-head? Also, I thought that the first match on Impact was good fun! Kojima brought his Japanese pedigree to the action to match against Myers and his gimp Sam Beale. Mr. Something brought something of value to the match as well: aggression. Just when the match was teetering near the edge of the cliff, these four warriors saved the bout from the height of tedium. I’d wager that this was a decent beginning for what could prove to be a worthy event. CM: What the f–k are you talking about? (punched in face) RM: Wrestling…s–t-head.

Match #2: Rachel Ellering b. Tenille Dashwood

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

As Ellering looks to put her issues with Jordynne Grace behind her, she must first turn her attention towards Tenille Dashwood tonight. Dashwood jumps Ellering before the opening bell to gain the momentary advantage. Ellering quickly turns the tide with a series of clotheslines, followed by a senton for two! Dashwood ducks, causing Ellering to collide with Kaleb on the apron. Dashwood takes advantage of the distraction and pulls Ellering down by her hair! Dashwood hits a running low crossbody for two. Ellering begins to build momentum with a Slingblade until Kaleb pulls her to safety. Dashwood hangs up Ellering on the ropes with a neckbreaker. Kaleb tries to blind Ellering with his ring light but Ellering keeps her composure and scores the pinfall!

The Verdict: 4 out of 10 – Me: This was a sloppy match. Tenille couldn’t quite get Rachel to match her speed. I like Rachel, but she has a lot of work to do before she is ready for T.V. Louise Marcus: I sure am ready to peg your ass again. Me: Um………… Ramirez: Highlander! En guard! Me: Ha! (f–king sword fighting) Ramirez: Excellent! You still fight like a molested duck! Me: Just like you taught me. RM: I’ve lost to many ducks. I did not want the same for you. LM: Who’s the baked potato? RM: Juan Lo… Me: Ramirez. He’s here to help with the shield. RM: Did you put that monstrosity in the sky? Our ass-plate almost crashed into it. Me: Ass-plate? RM: Indeed. This marvelous flying contraption called an ass-plate flew us here. I even had the chance to tell a raven-haired beauty about how Nefirtiri liked to sit on men’s faces. Me: So…middling match… RM: One Grand Quest! Highlander, your time is now!

Match #3: TJP/Fallah Bahh vs. Rich Swann/Willie Mack (No Contest)

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

Willie puts his incredible strength on display as he lifts up Fallah for a Samoan Drop! Swann soars through the air with corkscrew flip from the second rope all the way to the floor. Moments later, reigning IMPACT World Tag Team Champions Violent By Design attack all four competitors at ringside, resulting in the match becoming a no contest.

The Verdict: 3 out of 10 – Me: They only got a couple of minutes to wrestle before the screwy finish. RM: Hit it dude! LM: Oh s–t! Machine gun guards! (gun-fire into the car) Guard 1: Got them! RM: Look at what you did to my splendid wiescall?! Guard #8: What the… Guard #12: Oh s–t! (beheadings) RM: They ruined my shirt! Me: Let’s get in there. Oh. The match was a shame. Let them have more time next time. LM: Can I peg these guys? RM: Peg away! Me: That woman has a problem. RM: Indeed! Not enough asses to screw!

Match #4: Chris Bey b. Petey Williams

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

Petey hits a jumping Hurricanrana, followed by a dropkick to the back of Bey. Petey traps Bey in the Tree of Woe, then pays homage to his home country of Canada! Bey crashes and burns with a standing Moonsault attempt but Bey instead takes out Petey with thunderous clothesline. Bey counters the Canadian Destroyer into a forearm to the back on the head. Bey hits a modified TKO neckbreaker for two! Petey locks in the Sharpshooter but Bey gets to the bottom rope in order to break the hold. Bey counters another Canadian Destroyer, then connects with The Art of Finesse to win.

The Verdict: 6 out of 10 – Lots of big moves got mixed in with fast action to make this match a minor hit, but not quite a home-run. Bey and Petey worked hard to keep the match steady and focused. There wasn’t a lot of junk to rummage through here. If you want excellent action in a meager package, then this bout will serve as a fine gift, albeit one that is a bit less than one would want from two gifted athletes such as Bey and Petey. RM: Coast is clear Favel! Me: Great. Where’s Louise? LM: I love pegging dead patrol guards! Me: That woman has problems. RM: Let’s go! Me: So we’re just gonna lea… LM: Oh yeah! Take it baby! Take it! Me: Yeah. Let’s leave her.

Match #5: Steve Maclin b. Manny Smith

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

Steve Maclin is set to compete in his second match since joining the IMPACT Wrestling roster. Maclin is intense and focused as he connects with a modified Olympic Slam. Maclin hangs up Smith in the Tree of Woe, then crashes into him with a running shoulder tackle! Maclin delivers rapid-fire elbows, then hits his signature sitdown slam to score the dominant victory.

The Verdict: 2 out of 10 – It was a squash match. That being said, Manny looked excellent here. Steve has potential in his new environment. Okay. Next match. RM: Look what I can do! FART! Me: Uh! Gross! RM: You love it!

Match #6: (Main Event) Team Callis b. Team Dreamer

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

It’s main event time as Team Callis battles Team Dreamer in a highly-anticipated six-man tag team match just a few weeks away from Slammiversary! Omega and The Good Brothers are in complete control of Sabin as all three of them connect with a Triple Timber Splash. After several minutes, Sabin finally creates some separation but Moose won’t tag in! Sabin tags in Callihan instead who comes into the match like a house of fire. Omega distracts the referee, allowing Anderson to quickly regain control with a low blow! Sabin hits a top rope crossbody on Anderson for two. Sabin is in the driver’s seat but Moose decides to tag himself in, bringing Sabin’s momentum to a halt! Sabin gets in his face and Moose snaps as he hurls him across the ring. Callis pushes Dreamer into Moose, prompting him to attack Dreamer! Back in the ring, The Good Brothers put Sabin away with the Magic Killer to win.

The Verdict: 6 out of 10 – While not remarkable, this was a simple bout that promised action and delivered it. Kenny was convincing here as the cuck to Sami’s dominatrix skank. Moose picked some berries out of Sabin’s ass after he betrayed it. Sabin was a big reason why this match turned out well. Gallows looked like a gypsy queen here. Look at those big ear-rings! Good God! Karl didn’t get drunk, which must please his wife (go home Karl). Kenny is starting to look like Vicki Lawrence on Mama’s Family. Is that little asshole done yet? Nyornk! RM: Okay Highlander! We’re here! Me: I’m from Alabama. RM: Oh no! General Katana! General Katana: F–k off Highlander! Me: I’m from Alabama. GK: Time to die! RM: There can be only one! Me: Noooooooo! (beheading) GM: Haha! (The Quickening) Me: You bastard! GM: No one understands this movie. Me: There can be only one! Also, this main event was decent, but it lacked the right stuff to really be a hit.

Major News:

  1. Jake Something challenged Brian Myers to a Respect Match.
  2. Susan and Kimber Lee fight Rosemary and Havok for a Knockouts Tag Title shot, next week.
  3. W. Morrissey attacked Eddie Edwards to end the match against Satoshi Kojima before it could begin.

Final Verdict: 5/10

Six matches that were un-even in length and quality kept this show from making the strides necessary to be a great show. GK: Die Macleod! Me: Uh uh. Not Highlander 2. GK: S–t. Sorry. Me: No problem. GK: Die c–k-sucker! Me: Ummmmm…better? GK: Yagh! Me: Look. A gun. GK: Oh s–t. BOOM! (GK head blown off) Me: Quickening? (Quickening blows up shield) Me: Terrific. LM: I’m f–king these corpses! Me: Okay. I’ll see you next week.

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