28th Jun2021

‘Impact Wrestling’ Review (Jun 24th 2021)

by Nathan Favel

Welcome to this week’s Impact Wrestling review, right here on Nerdly. I’m Nathan Favel and… Scooter: Heya Favey! Me: Scooter! Well I say boy I say boy I say boy it’s nice to see you here! It’s mah old college buddy! Played on the football team together! Scooter: Go Howlers! Both: Awhoooooooo!!!!!!!!!! Me: So, what brings you here? Scooter: Road trippin’ pal! Goin’ ta the Taylor Swift orgy out in San Diega! Me: Well, as long as she doesn’t sing. Scooter: Ain’t that the truth! I just need a spot ta sleep in for the night. Me: Sure pal! Mi casa es…mi casa es…es…es su casa. Scooter: Great! Just let me unload the semi! Me: S…semi? Scooter: There! Just hit the lever to make it all gush out at once. Me: I’m gettin’ the feeling that this may come back to bite mah keester. Well, Impact starts now.

Match #1: Rosemary b. Kiera Hogan

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

Following a backstage altercation that saw Rosemary and Havok throw Kiera into a trash bin, Kiera seeks revenge tonight! Rosemary hits a suplex out of the corner, then locks in the Upside Down. Kiera distracts the referee, allowing Tasha to attack Rosemary from ringside! Havok comes out to even the odds for Rosemary. Kiera continues her onslaught with a series of sliding dropkicks. Rosemary hits a flapjack to create separation, giving her an opportunity to regain her strength. Rosemary builds momentum with a reverse DDT for two. Kiera hits a roundhouse kick for a near fall but it’s not enough to put Rosemary away. Moments later, Rosemary connects with As Above, So Below for three.

The Verdict: 6 out of 10 – I’d say that this was a solid way to begin the day. Both athletes kept the bull-s–t to a minimum. The spots were few and far between. The whole thing was kept fairly competitive for a shorter match. The match felt competitive from bell to bell. Scooter: Heya Favey! Whatcha doin’? Me: Just one of my wrestling reviews. Scooter: Wrestling?! Remember when we were on the wrestling team? The ol’ twist n’ holler! The wammelbammel! Ass to chin! Lakookaracha! All those great moves! Why, we could turn any ol’ schmuck in half a second flat! Me: Yeah. Those were the good ol’ days. Scooter: How about the KKKrush? Me: How did that one gooooooooo!!!!!! Scooter: Whew! Haven’t done that one in a while! Me: My neck is up my ass! Scooter: Whoops! Forgot to light the cross! Almost lost a point for that back during regionals! Me: It smells like Mississippi is burning in here! What’s happening?! I see the floor only! Help! Scooter: Ha Ha! You are a character! Char-act-er! I’mma make me a sammich! Me: Is the room on fire? I don’t wanna die! If I was black this would be worse! This match was okay! Help!

Match #2: Deonna Purrazzo b. Susan

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

After Susan and Kimber Lee failed to capture the Knockouts Tag Team Titles at Against All Odds, Deonna Purrazzo told them that their friendship is over! Purrazzo snaps Susan’s arm back as she begins the wear-down process. Purrazzo pummels Susan in the corner with a series of boots. Susan spills to the outside where Kimber pleads with Purrazzo to stop. Purrazzo has her beat after a backstabber but decides to inflict more damage instead! Susan tries to fight back but Purrazzo counters a Superplex into the Fujiwara Armbar to win by submission.

The Verdict: 6 out of 10 – This was a fairly dry fight that was more mechanical than anything else. Deonna dominated the match and shut down her suited opponent. That’s an interesting way to push a woman in a suit. Then again, Susan wrestling in a suit was never a good idea. Scooter: Chicks in suits huh? Nuthin’ wrong with a broad in slacks! Ha Ha Ha! I had me a butch bitch one time Favey! Her eyes said “no-no”, but her mouth said, “You’re not a woman!”. Me: Huh. Well, I’ll be done with this in just a bit. Scooter: I found your pet owl! Me: I don’t own an owl. I…wait… D’Hootie: Hoo! Me: Oh no! If that’s D’Hootie, then… Ric Flair: Woo! I’mma f–k that owl! Woo! D’Hootie: Hoo! RF: Woo! D’Hootie: Hoo! Me: Get off my shoulder you stupid bird! RF: Come here baby! Get some d–k! Woo! D’Hootie: Hoo! Me: Ahhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!! This match lacked sizzle, but at least the steak had enough meat to make a good meal. Ahhhhh!!!!!! RF: I like it when the p–sy can fly! Gives my d–k a wicked tug! Woo! Jay Lethal: Woo! RF: Woo! JL: Woo! RF: You ain’t better than The Nature Boy! Woo! JL: Woo! Look at this big, black mallet! Woo! D’Hootie: Hoo! Me: At least Susan looked tough in defeat. Overall, this was not a bad match. Now get off of me!

Match #3: Rohit Raju/Shera b. Trey Miguel/Petey Williams

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

Petey traps Rohit in the Tree of Woe. Shera turns the tide with a massive powerslam to Petey! Rohit crashes and burns with a running cannonball in the corner, allowing Petey to make the tag to Trey Miguel. The pace quickens as Trey hits a cutter on Rohit. Trey takes Shera off the apron but pays for it, as Rohit gains momentum with a Flatliner. Ace Austin and Madman Fulton make their way to ringside, distracting Petey from hitting the Canadian Destroyer! Rohit hits his signature jumping knee on Petey to score the victory.

The Verdict: 6 out of 10 – Once again , this was another solid match. Both teams did well together considering neither is a regular team. Shera worked hard to keep up with the more talented members of the match. Trey and Petey brought the excitement and Raju did his stuff. Scooter: Heya Favey! I brought my old friend Andre The Giant to help ya with the reviews! Me: Andre? He’s dead! Andre The Giant: I hate n——! Me: Holy s–t! What did you say?! ATG: I hate n——! Me: Excuse me? ATG: I hate n——-! Me: I’m… The NAACP: Hello! Me: Oh s–t! Hellmunze Maionaize: As the president of The NAACP, I am happy to award you with the Good Neighbor Award, which is given to those who are not racist muthafuggas. ATG: I hate n——! HM: What?! Me: Ummmm…he wants a Snickers? ATG: I hate n——-! The NAACP: What?! Me: He said he wants a Snickers! Scooter: No, I’m pretty sure he said he hates n——. ATG: I hate n——! Me: Of course you can have a Snickers! HM: Whoop their asses! The Moody Blues: We’ll do it! We beat the s–t out of people! Me: Ow! Why are you only hitting me?! Ow! HM: We shall take the award back you cracker-jack muthafugga! Me: Why couldn’t you just want a Snickers?! Scooter: ‘Cuz Andre only eats Milky Ways! HACHACHACHA!!!! Me: If you like decent tag wrestling and breezy X-Division action, then check this match out. Now, I have to go die.

Match #4: Jake Something b. Sam Beale

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

Last week on BTI, Brian Myers and Sam Beale taught Jake Something a physical lesson when they beat him down after his match with Daivari! Tonight, Myers continues his teachings as Beale goes one-on-one with the big man! Beale launches himself off the top rope but Jake catches him in mid-air and hits a sit-down slam for two. Myers distracts the referee, allowing Beale to rake the eyes! Myers slides a steel chair into the ring but Something stops Beale from using it. Something puts Beale away with the Black Hole Slam for three.

The Verdict: 2 out of 10 – This was a squash. I have made my opinions on squashes clear. This squash was…a squash. Scooter: Heya Favey! I found this kooky kinda cat outside and let him in! Klaus Kinski: I am the greatest! Me: Aren’t you dead? KK: I will pull a boat over a mountain and f–k my daughter! Me: What?! KK: I am evil! I tried to strangle a woman to death! I am Klaus Kinski! My children hate me, because they are weak and I am evil! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! Scooter: Ain’t he a riot? Me: Frighteningly so. KK: I am Satan! Arise my damnation and bow before your vulgarity! Me: What’s that?! Scooter: It’s a cruise-liner! KK: My boat shall ascend the heavens! Cruise Captain: Welcome to Cabo! Me: My home! KK: My poop deck is glorious! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!! Scooter: Whew! Hell of a draft Favey! ‘Bout closin’ a winda? Me: Squash matches! My life is a squash match and I’m always on the losing end. Well, at least Jake looked good here.

Match #5: (Main Event) Violent By Design b. Satoshi Kojima/Eddie Edwards – Impact Tag Titles Match

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

Kojima hits the ropes but Doering kicks him in the back, allowing Deaner to take advantage with an Atomic Drop. Doering slows down the pace, driving an elbow into the chest of Kojima. Doering continues the assault on Kojima for several minutes as he begins to wear him down. Kojima displays incredible strength when he counters Doering’s vertical suplex into one of his own! Kojima makes the tag to Edwards who enters the ring like a house of fire. Edwards hits Deaner with a Blue Thunder Bomb for two. Kojima and Edwards soar through the air to take out their opponents on the floor! Rhino and EY provide a distraction from ringside, giving Violent By Design an opening to regain control. Deaner shuts down the offense of Edwards, as he and Doering employ quick tags. Moments later, Kojima quickens the pace with a flurry of chops to Deaner. The match begins to break down as Kojima and Edwards deliver stereo chops to their opponents! Edwards picks Deaner off the top with a Hurricanrana, followed by an elbow drop from Kojima. Doering takes both men off their feet with a thunderous double clothesline. Kojima hits Doering with the Koji Cutter. Edwards sets up for the Boston Knee Party but Doering counters into the Revolution Bomb for three!

The Verdict: 8 out of 10 – Well, I got my house tarped off and some boards to act as a make-shift wall. Back to the review. Our main event was the best bout of the night. This unique pairing of athletes led to a match that was immediately different from anything on the card. The tag action was never without momentum. From second to second, this was a match that always had something new to serve to the dining table. While this match was devoid of the kind of grappling I feel matches really need, the at least we had this duel of shot for shot to propel this forward. This was the most interesting tag team match to happen in Impact in a few months. All in all, this was a fabulous prize fight. Scooter: Heya Favey! I forgot to show you my box of dynamite! Me: Dynamite?! That’s on this Saturday. Scooter: No! This! Here! Let me get a match to show you how it works! Me: Oh. That’s ni…dynamite?! BOOM!!!!! Scooter: Holy smokes Favey! I forgot to tell ya to put it down before the fuse went off! HACHACHACHACHACHA!!!!!!!!!!! Me: Now ya tell me!

Final Verdict: 6/10

On a night where we had average matches championed by one excellent championship main event, Impact managed to set-up a Team Dreamer/Team Callis six-man tag for next week that has a mystery man on the Dreamer team to aid Sami Callihan and Moose. Jazz returned to talk Jordynne Grace out of turning on Rachel Ellering, which was then followed by Tenille Dashwood attacking Rachel for rejecting her latest offer to tag. This was a show that may not have been spectacular, but it was firm and that is a sign that Impact could be getting better. Scooter: Heya Favey! Look on the boob-tube! Television Host Marta Graveus: Sad news from Hollywood as Taylor Swift has died. While on set for the new James Bond film “One Foot In The Grave”, the prolific musician and occasional actor was eaten by the latest actor to play the role of 007, Frankie The F–kin’ Puma, who was previously known for attacking the Colorado jogger with the huge whammers. In this sizzle reel, you can see Frankie eating several crew members in a casino card game scene, all while wearing a white dinner jacket in true Bond style. You can also see such scenes where Frankie shoots a gun and flies a jet-pack, often rather well. While we all take time to mourn the loss of Taylor Swift, let us take the time to interview Frankie right here in the studio. Hello Frankie! Frankie: RAWWWWHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! Marta: Ahhhhhhhh!!!!!!! Get this f—er off me!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhh!!!!!! Scooter: Oh Favey! The orgy’s cancelled! Ohhhhh!!!!! Oh oh oh!!!! Me: Well, I guess it’s true what they say. Karma is a bitch! Heeheeheeheehee!!!!!! Porky Pig: That’s all f-f-f-fo-f-f-f-fo-f-f-fo-f-f-f-f…bitches! Me: See ya next time!

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