11th Jun2021

‘Impact Wrestling’ Review (Jun 10th 2021)

by Nathan Favel

Welcome to this week’s Impact Wrestling review, right here on Nerdly. I’m Nathan Favel. What do you call the number two priest? Holy s–t. On this episode of Dipstick Paguski, we have…what the? Katie: Oh Jesperd! I love you! Jesperd: You’re hackneyed! Katie: Ow! You slapped me! Jesperd: Welcome to Wal-Mart! Katie: Ow! Stop! What do you want?! Jesperd: A solid gold house…and a glass of better daughter! Katie: Daddy! Nooooooo! Jesperd: What kind of a wife/daughter/son are you?! Your face attacks my hand when it beats you! Outrageous! Me: What the f… Jesperd: The vacuum salesman shall piss off! Me: Excuse me Fox News? Why don’t you kiss my ass?! Jesperd: I am exalted! Me: Wait. An interdimensional portal just opened in the sky! Wait…is that…a plane?! Who’s piloting that thing? Al Qaeda: HLALALALALALALALALALALALA!!!!!!! Sam Beckett: Al! This thing was flying into a building a second ago and now…what the? Brad Pitt: I have to kill John Lennon and pee in Garry Marshall’s lemonade! The f–ker will never know the difference! Sam: What the f–k is he doing here? Al Calavicci: I think you got caught in a wormhole! The locator has you all over the place! Can you see anything? Sam: Yeah! I’m about to crash into a bald guy, a talking computer that records what the bald guy is saying and everything else around it, an old man with an abused hermaphrodite for a wife/daughter/son and Katie Couric. Katie: I don’t have both! Jesperd: Twern’t nuthin’! Sam: How do I get to the controls without raising suspicion? Wait. I have an idea. Look over there! Al Qaeda: HLALALALALALALA? Sam: Got it! Steering away! Al Qaeda: HLALALALALALALALA!!!!!!!! Al: Hey Sam! This thing says you’re going off course! Sam: They turned the plane back! Me: Um…lady…move over here. Jesperd: Planes are weak! Sam: I’m getting the passengers off the plane! Al: At least Mark Wahlberg isn’t on there. Sam: Oh yeah. Thank God. Okay! They’re off! Al Qaeda: HLALALALALALALA!!!!!!!! Sam: We’re going down! It’s been an honor Al. Al: Goodbye Sam. Me: Katie! Dive! Jesperd: Bow ye feeble winged tin can! CRASH! Me: Holy s–t! Katie: There’s no priests here. Sam: Al. Al: Sam. Sam: I did it. Everybody’s safe. Al: Yeah. Sam: Al. I…wha… Al: Sam? Sam. Sam! Sam: Whoa! I’m…I’m fine! I’m alive! Al: HAHAHAHA!!!!! Yes! Sam: Where am I? Katie: Hey sir. Thank you for pushing me out of the way of the plane. Sam: Huh? What are you… Al: Sam, I think you leaped into th… Sam: The bald guy. Oh boy. What do I do now? Al: Well, it seems he was about to review a wrestling show called Impact. Start there and I’ll research the significance of the time period. Sam: Okay. Welcome to Impact Wrestling!

Match #1: Rosemary def. Havok

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

If Havok can defeat Rosemary, Deonna Purrazzo will be forced to defend the Knockouts Title in a Triple Threat match at Against All Odds! Rosemary hits two back-to-back spears to kick off the match! Havok turns the tide with a big running boot in the corner. Rosemary fights out of a Tombstone Piledriver attempt, then hits another spear to score the victory and keep it a singles match at Against All Odds.

The Verdict: 5 out of 10 – Sam: Ummmmm…this was good. Rosemary was…tough. She beaned the bigger one in the crotch a bunch of times… Al: Spear! Sam: What? Al: Spear! That’s the name of the move! Sam: Right! Rosemary seared Havok three or four times throughout the match to secure the win. This was kinda slow sometimes, but solid and believable. Both wrestlers looked formidable here. Is that good? Al: Yeah. Move on to the next match.

Match #2: Tasha Steelz def. Kimber Lee

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

Fire ‘N Flava will defend the Knockouts Tag Team Titles against Kimber Lee and Susan this Saturday at Against All Odds but first, we get a preview of things to come with this singles match! Kimber is in total control as she drags Tasha’s face across the top rope. Kimber sends Tasha to the outside and it appears that the Knockouts Tag Team Champion may be badly hurt. Kimber hits a vertical suplex trio but Tasha counters the follow-up senton attempt with her knees. Tasha plants Kimber with a sitdown slam to win.

The Verdict: 5 out of 10 – Sam: This match was short but smart. Al: That works. Keep going. Sam: Tasha brought the intensity and Lee the…intensity. Neither woman took it east on the other. While brief, this bout was able to show how versatile each competitor can be. The right woman won and that is important.

Match #3: Trey Miguel & Petey Williams def. Rojit Raju & Chris Bey

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

It’s a stalemate in the early going as these four X-Division athletes match each other’s pace move-for-move. Trey gains the upper-hand with a snapping dropkick to Bey before making the tag to Petey. Bey trips up Petey from the outside, allowing Rohit to turn the tide in his team’s favor. Bey and Rohit wear Petey down on their side of the ring as they prevent him making the tag. Petey finally fights free and tags in a fiery Trey. Rohit gets sent for a ride via a snap German suplex from Trey. Petey hits Rohit with the Codebreaker, followed by the Hourglass Submission from Trey to win.

The Verdict: 6 out of 10 – Sam: This was of decent length and of fine quality. Everything happened in an orderly fashion and without delay. All involved looked impressive. If you were looking for superior feats of athleticism, then you were rewarded with a viewing of this match. The right team won this bout and I couldn’t be happier. Sam: How’s that? Al: Good. Next match.

Match #4: Eddie Edwards def. Joe Doering (DQ)

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

Doering overpowers Eddie to gain the early advantage. Doering targets his head as he begins to wear Eddie down. Doering hits a strong elbow drop for two. Eddie fights back with a burst of momentum, connecting with an impressive vertical suplex to the big man! Rhino tries to get involved from the outside but Eddie keeps him at bay. Moments later, Deaner trips up Eddie to cause the disqualification.

The Verdict: 5 out of 10 – Sam: These two fellows grappled very nicely. Both men seemed to be on the same page. Joe was rather convincing as a bruiser. Eddie didn’t have much difficulty setting-up a convincing fight with a nimble body like Joe. Hey! I’m getting the hang of this. Al: Just a minute. Something’s coming up on the read-out.

Match #5: (Main Event) W. Morrissey def. Willie Mack – No DQ Match

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

Willie tries a powerslam in the opening moments of the match but can’t take the giant off his feet. Morrissey turns it around as the fight spills to the outside. Morrissey charges but Willie sidesteps, causing Morrissey to collide with the steel ring steps. Willie wraps a chain around his fist, then targets the leg of Morrissey in an attempt to chop him down to size! Morrissey regains control with a big boot before choking Willie with a steel chair. Willie ducks and dives to create separation, then successfully picks up and slams Morrissey to the mat! Willie crashes and burns with a Six-Star Frog Splash into a steel chair. Morrissey connects with a violent chair shot to Willie’s head to score the victory.

The Verdict: 6 out of 10 – Sam: Mack lost to this less talented Morrissey creature. There was enough of a focus on…what’s that? Al: I see it. It’s a spaceship. Someone is coming out. Sam: What is that? Al: Based on the scan, it says…Yautja…Hish-Qu-Ten. These things go from planet to planet and hunt the best warriors they can find. They call them… Predator: HGLLLLLLLLLLLLK. Sam: Oh s–t. I wish I could kick this thing’s ass like Morrissey clobbered Mack’s face with the chair. Predator: HGLLLLLLLLLLK. Sam: Okay. Wait. I…ah! Al: Sam! Predator: HGLLLLLLLLLLLL…AL! Al: Sam?! Sam: I’m the Predator. Al: Holy s–t! Sam: The main event wasn’t too bad. Al: Okay.

Final Verdict: 5/10

Predator-Sam: This show had too little wrestling and too much talking. Wrestling ought to have more action in the card. Al: Are you okay? Sam: Yeah. I’m a f–kin’ alien now, but what else is new? Me: Ummmmm…why am I headless? Sam: How best to explain this? Me: Was the show decent? Sam: Largely. Me: Oh good. Well, see you next time.


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