01st Jun2021

WWE Raw – May 31st 2021: Results & Review

by Nathan Favel

Welcome to this week’s World Wrestling Entertainment’s Monday Night Raw review, right here on Nerdly. I’m Nathan Favel and I’m on assignment guarding my latest client. I have to get him to Washington D.C. to testify in the Supreme Court on who let the dogs out. Samuel L. Jackson: Muthafukka! Hurry yo ass up! I’m dying in this corn-pone lookin’ dick-nut town! I wanted to go bowlin’! Me: It’s going well. (Gun-fire) S–t! Sam! Buckle up! We’re under fire! SLJ: No s–t asshole! What’d you think it was? Muthafuggen bird-s–t?! Me: Right. Okay. Monday Night Raw starts… SLJ: Move muthafugga! Spanish! Me: What? SLJ: Spanish! Do you speak it?! Me: Ummmmm… SLJ: El hurrio uppo muthafugga!

[Author’s Note: Riddle, who is accused of rape, is performing on this show and if that alarms or upsets you, then viewer discretion should be advised].

Match #1: Nikki Cross def. Charlotte Flair

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

Tensions quickly escalated into a war-of-words when The Miz & John Morrison welcomed Raw Women’s Champion Rhea Ripley and her opponent at WWE Hell in a Cell Charlotte Flair onto “Miz TV.” Nevertheless, it was the emerging Nikki Cross’ words that ultimately rang the loudest. After surviving Rhea Ripley in a Beat the Clock Challenge last week and earning The Nightmare’s respect, a slap from the determined Superstar led the 14-time World Champion to accept the same Beat the Clock Challenge. In the subsequent matchup, an illusive Cross initiating a game of cat and mouse to make lightning strike twice as she once again survived the clock and humiliated The Queen the same way she did Ripley last week.

The Verdict: 1 out of 10 – Nothing happened here in a two minute match. SLJ: My ass! They shot my ass!

Match #2: Randy Orton def. Xavier Woods

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

After Riddle utilized Randy Orton’s RKO to overcome Xavier Woods last week, The Viper returned from his week-long hiatus and, not only welcomed The Original Bro to ringside to watch him take on Woods, but to also overcome The New Day Superstar with the Bro Derek!

The Verdict: 5 out of 10 – Kinda dull. Orton was a bit lethargic here for someone who was trying. Woods gave another fine performance here, just like last week. SLJ: I’ll perform my foot up yo ass if you don’t drive faster muthafugga! Me: Also, this was shorter than I thought it would be. SLJ: Like yo dick! Me: Right. Next match.

Match #3: Reginald def. Shayna Baszler

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

After disobeying Shayna Baszler’s order to not come to ringside last week during the WWE Women’s Tag Team Championship Match, Reginald was forced to pay the price in a one-on-one matchup against The Queen of Spades. After Baszler punished the sommelier and nearly put him away with the Kirifuda Clutch, however, fire once again shot out of the nearly turnbuckle and allowed Reginald to pick up the quick pin!

The Verdict: 1 out of 10 – While not great, Reginald showed a lot of potential as a defensive wrestler/baby-face punching bag with his fantastic acrobatics. Shayna Baszler carried this for the two minutes they suffered through. SLJ: I’ll make you carry my dick up yo ass if I get shot in mine again! Me: For a bad match, this was less bad then it could have been.

Match #4: MACE/T-BAR def. Lucha House Party

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

The menacing team of MACE & T-BAR completely grounded the high-flying Lucha House Party with a dominant offense that culminated with the earth-shattering double chokeslam on Gran Metalik.

The Verdict: 3 out of 10 – T-BAR worked hard to make the match make sense…he failed. That being said, all three minutes of this was on T.V. SLJ: Adolf Hitler got one big titty and one little titty! Me: What? SLJ: That means shut the f–k up and drive muthafugga!

Match #5: Ricochet def. Sheamus

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

After Humberto Carillo and Ricochet joined forces to take down Sheamus last week, The Celtic Warrior was out for payback by choosing to take on Superstars one at a time. Ricochet emerged first and, when Humberto Carillo entered ringside mid-match, the distraction allowed the high-flyer to overcame and humiliate the United States Champion in a not-title contest.

The Verdict: 1 out of 10 – Nothing happened. SLJ: I wish nothing would happen for five minutes so I can not get shot in the ass! Me: I wish they’d aim for your head. SLJ: What muthafugga?! What?! Me: I can’t believe those assholes said that to you!

Match #6: Humberto Carrillo def. Sheamus

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

In the wake of Ricochet’s victory over Sheamus, The Celtic Warrior turned his attention towards the explosive Superstar one time too often and allowed Humberto Carrillo to hand the United States Champion his second loss on the night.

The Verdict: 3 out of 10 – This got a couple minutes, but was mostly just Carrillo evading and getting beaten. SLJ: I wish you’d do more of that instead of taking about f–kin’ rasslin’ the whole damn time! Me: F–k you! It’s my job! SLJ: So’s this!

Match #7: Mandy Rose/Dana Brooke def. Lana/Naomi

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

With the reigning WWE Women’s Tag Team Champions Natalya and Tamina getting a front row seat, Mandy Rose & Dana Brooke took a giant leap forward in the Raw Women’s Tag Team division by overcoming the electric duo of Naomi & Lana.

The Verdict: 1 out of 10 – S–t. SLJ: The match or this? Me: Both. A few minutes of lame wrestling. SLJ: Wow. How fascinating. Wait. I don’t give a f–k!

Match #8: Cedric Alexander def. Shelton Benjamin

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

After weeks of fielding insults and disrespect from his former tag team partner, Shelton Benjamin failed to put a cap on their back-and-forth with Cedric Alexander when his former tag team partner found a lightning fast win in their rubber match on the back of another thumb to the eye and the Neuralyzer.

The Verdict: 1 out of 10 – Nothing happened here. SLJ: That’s what she said!

Match #9: AJ Styles/Omos def. Elias/Jaxson Ryker – Raw Tag Team Titles Match

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

One week after Elias found himself on the other side of the ThunderDome after Omos unleashed hell on the Universal Truth, The Phenomenal AJ Styles and Omos put an end to their nonsense by triumphing in a Raw Tag Team Championship Match. In the hight of the action, Elias refused to tag into the action and (after a ruthless beatdown at the hands of Omos) Styles to beat Jaxson Ryker with the Phenomenal Forearm.

The Verdict: 4 out of 10 – AJ worked hard here, but the match just didn’t get going. SLJ: Are you gonna get us going to where we going any time soon, or are we just gonna go on a muthafuggen day-trip muthafugga?! Me: Main Event time! SLJ: Answer my question muthafugga!

Match #10: (Main Event) Drew McIntyre def. Kofi Kingston

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

With WWE Champion Bobby Lashley and MVP banned from ringside with the promise of a 90 day suspension without pay if they interfered in the rematch, Drew McIntyre and Kofi Kingston left absolutely everything on the canvas in their battle to determine who would challenge The All Mighty for the WWE Championship Match at the upcoming pay-per-view. In the final moments, The Scottish Warrior caught Kingston in midair with a earth-shattering Claymore Kick as The New Day Superstar was flying off the top rope and secured the huge victory.

The Verdict: 8 out of 10 – Hey! This was great! Yahoo! This was hard, meaty action froth with peril and suspense that you could cut with a knife. Drew was the hunter and Kofi was the predator. There was always a new wrinkle to this match, like on Sandy Duncan’s one-eyed face. SLJ: I don’t give a f–k about Sandy Duncan! Me: Drew and Kofi went hold for hold and made a big match matter on a night where it really needed a hit. SLJ: Speaking if hits…I’m being shot at! Me: We’re here! SLJ: Finally! Get me the f–k inside!

Final Verdict: 2/10

Outside of a fantastic main event, this show was a terrible waste of time. The matches went short and had nothing of great value to them. Justice McBang: Shut the f–k up! This is The Supreme Court! SLJ: Shut the f–k up! Justice McSlut: Shut the f–k up! Who let the dogs out?! SLJ: Shut the f–k up! It was… Adolf Hitler: HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!! It was me! With all of the dogs out, the barking will be incessant and you will all be annoyed to death! Then, I’ll be free to be naked! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Me: Holy s–t! He’s got one big titty and one little titty! SLJ: I told you muthafugga! Me: I’ll get ‘im. AH: Soon the world will stare at my tight, moist taint! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Shot in the head) Me: That was easy. Wait. So we’re the Nazis shooting at us the whole time? Oasis: We did! Me: Why? Oasis: We’re assholes. Me: Right. SLJ: Well. That was dumb. I hate you, but you alright muthafugga. Me: Thanks Delroy Lindo. SLJ: I’m Samuel L. Jackson muthafugga! Me: I’ll see you next time! SLJ: Don’t make me break my foot off in yo as!

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