28th May2021

‘Impact Wrestling’ Review (May 27th 2021)

by Nathan Favel

Welcome to this week’s Impact Wrestling review, right here on Nerdly. I’m Nathan Favel and we have the fallout from Violent By Design becoming the Tag Champions last week. It’s times like this that I’m reminded of the story of Stukanga Gaitoo. Stukanga Gaitoo was a farmer’s hand in ancient Mesopotamia, when the wind was dry and hot and cracked you across the back like a frayed whip. Stukanga loved the farmer’s daughter, but could not afford to marry her. So, when the moon rose upon the cusp of night, Stukanga returned to the farm and stole the wheat from the fields. Stukanga then sold the wheat to the rich merchant Makolinga. Makolinga bought it for half of what it was worth and made Stukanga very wealthy. Stukanga returned and lied about who had stole the wheat…and said that Makolinga had stolen the wheat. The farmer rode to the city to find Makolinga and, when he had, killed him. Makolinga’s brother in turn rode to the farm and killed The Farmer. Stukanga took the severed head of The Farmer to The Magistrate and convinced him that Makolinga and his brother had killed the farmer and stole the wheat. The Magistrate had The Brother brought to his home and The Brother revealed what happened with Stukanga and the wheat. Stukanga burned The Magistrate’s home down with both its owner and The Brother inside. Over many nights, Stukanga would burn down a home until half the city was in flames. Stukanga then lit the Emperor’s palace aflame and, before it could be destroyed, extinguished the flames and saved the Emperor. Stukanga was rewarded by being bestowed the role of Magistrate and then took a wife…the farmer’s daughter. For years, Stukanga was prosperous and happy with his wife and she would bear him three children. When Stukanga was to be honored by The Emperor, Stukanga fell ill and slept for many days. When he woke, Stukanga cried in horror as he lie in a field of wheat with his arms and legs severed. His wife stood over him and proclaimed that she had waited years to exact revenge against the man who killed her father. She had known that Stukanga had orchestrated her father’s death and pretended to love him so she could kill him unthwarted. The Farmer’s Daughter then lit the wheat field on fire and burnt her father’s killer to death. The Farmer’s Daughter and her children retired to her familial farm and prospered for many generations. They planted wheat. Do you know what the moral of that story is? Titties! Titties! Titties! Titties! Titties! I love tittieeeeeeeeees!!!!!!!! Play with ’em and make ’em bounce! Boing! Boing! Boing! Gonna motorboat the s–t out of them! Bugabugabugabugabugabuga!!!! Your eyes are up there? Who gives a s–t! I like them titties! Well, we have some matches to get to. Impact begins…titties!

Match #1: TJP and Fallah Bahh def. Josh Alexander and Petey Williams

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

The Verdict: 6 out of 10 – This was a fun, fast opener that didn’t waste time and didn’t miss a swing, even when that swing only got the ball halfway out field. Nothing dynamic happened, but it all packed a wallop. It’s nice when a tag match has some zip to it like this bout did. This may not be an instant classic, but it was a tantalizing tease of what these teams can do together.

Match #2: Rosemary, Havok, Rachael Ellering, Tenille Dashwood and Jordynne Grace def. Fire Nā€™ Flava, Deonna Purrazzo, Susan and Kimber Lee

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

The Verdict: 6 out of 10 – This was firm like concrete Jello. Both teams brought the offense and just hammered away at each other. You may not get that Dean Malenko stroke of technical grappling mastery here, but you do get ladies whoopin’ some ass, like Carol Channing in Thunderdome. Carol Channing: Two man enter…one man leave, you son of a bitch! Me: Not a bad follow-up to the opener.

Match #3: Decay (Black Taurus and Crazzy Steve) def. Johnny Swinger and Hernandez

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

The Verdict: 4 out of 10 – Meat and potatoes can be a pretty good meal if you cook it right. This match was meat and potatoes cooked in tin foil over a camp-fire and taken back off a couple minutes before it could finish. Hell, there’s even a few spices thrown in here, but even they weren’t quite enough to perk-up this piping-hot supper.

Match #4: (Main Event) The Good Brothers (Doc Gallows and Karl Anderson) def. Sami Callihan and Moose

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

The Verdict: 5 out of 10 – Over in a flash, this match was no match of the night, but it did a task worth doing and that does matter. The goal here was to push Moose and Sami not liking each other and that part turned out well. What didn’t work here was the match when it focused on Moose and Sami hating each other. The Good Brothers worked hard to keep the pace brisk and they were largely successful. I had fun while this lasted.

Major News:

  1. Josh Alexander and TJP fight for the X-Division Title in a 60 Minute Iron Man Match on next week’s Before The Impact.
  2. Jake Something will fight Rohit Raju in a Tables Match.

Final Verdict: 4/10

It took nearly a half hour for the first match to start and even then, the four we did have were not very long or overly thrilling. I’m very excited about the Iron Man Match next week, but I wish that Impact would have focused on making this week exciting as well.


Comments are closed.